Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change dd's contact arrangements with her dad, or stop them completely

36 replies

ChangedMyNameInDecember · 26/12/2017 17:22

First post in a long while, I know there is a lone parenting thread but posting here for traffic.
I'll try & keep it short.
Bit of background- Dc's father and I split over 2 years ago. He made little to no effort to see them until the beginning of this year, when he met his new gf, started to move on with his life and decided he wanted contact.
We agreed on every other weekend with ds6 staying over and dd3 coming home to me as she didn't want to sleep there.
Ds6 has a great relationship with his dad and really looks forward to seeing him....however my dd3 is often gets upset about going round.
Soooo.. He has been telling me for the last few weeks that he is entitled to have dd overnight and will be having her too from now on. I looked into it and it would appear he is correct as he has parental responsibility, so I stupidly agreed to let dd3 stay over tonight.
He came to pick her up and she started to cry, then scream. We couldn't reason with her. She hid herself behind the sofa and barricaded herself in. ExP said he was taking her and that was that.
My Dd3 was screaming for me and fighting him every step of the way. Begging me to help her, even as he was driving her off in his car.
He is now not answering my calls or messages so I have no idea how she is, or even where she is. I don't even know when ExP is bringing her back!
I feel like the absolute worst mum in the world. I have let her down and probably scared her for life.
So WIBU to say only DS6 can have contact from now on, and that DD3 can choose to stay with me if she wishes?
Any comments appreciated, I don't know what to do........

OP posts:
etap · 26/12/2017 17:26

He's clearly awful, being a man.

Marcine · 26/12/2017 17:26

3 is far too little to choose not to have contact!

Maybe go back to just days but with a plan to work up to over nights.

Try to make handovers upbeat and positive.

Tinselistacky · 26/12/2017 17:27

I would assume your ex had the night from Hell and won't ask again.

Notreallyarsed · 26/12/2017 17:28

Next time he asserts his parental rights, remind him that he has both rights and responsibilities. Responsiblity not to scare the shit out of a 3 yo to make a point, and not to distress her either. So no, I don’t think you are unreasonable to stop the overnights if she’s that distressed. And actually, he has the right to see her, NOT to have her overnight so he’s full of shit.

Sirzy · 26/12/2017 17:29

3 is too little to have too much say. Can your 6 year old shed any light on why the 3 year old isn’t happy? It could be as simple as her being used to being with you and needing time to adjust (which isn’t a bad thing)

You need to sit down and discuss things sensibly

hettie · 26/12/2017 17:29

I think both of you need to talk about how you help dd to spend time and then overnight with her dad... unless there is a back story? Think of it like planning how she'd settle I not a child minder? Could you drop and be in his house and make it clear he is ok. Your dd will take your cues from you. If you signal he/his house is nice and trustworthy then she is likely to go with that more (assuming he is responsive to her needs). TTY when gradually make it lo get?

Original poster
ChangedMyNameInDecember · 26/12/2017 17:30

But if she doesn't want to go, and it's making her that upset... why should we force her?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/12/2017 17:31

Because a 3 year old can’t make an informed decision. You need to work to help her build a relationship not put up blocks

DeStijl · 26/12/2017 17:33

Is she getting vibes from you that set her up for feeling anxious about going?

VimFuego101 · 26/12/2017 17:33

You need to work out a plan to work up to her staying overnight. You would not be unreasonable to say 'not now, but we'll build up to it' but it's not fair to say 'no overnights ever'.

VJM123 · 26/12/2017 17:37

One of my sons was like that I forced him for 2 years - got worse. He’s now 8 and doesn’t go, has no wish to go and not that bothered in ever seeing his dad again. His brother goes happily - personally I was given all the ‘hes Too
Young to choose’ I call bullshit and could have saved me and him years of awful awful weekends by just going with my instinct.

I wish you luck it’s a difficult road to tread

RunningOutOfCharge · 26/12/2017 17:37

You'd force her to go to the dentist and school right? It's in her best interests long term

A relationship with her father is the most important thing as she grows

You are wrong to stop contact. Very wrong

Motherofdaughters · 26/12/2017 17:37

My DDs found overnight contact really hard too, it's absolutely heartbreaking to hand over your child when they are begging you not too...that must have been awful for you OP. I would go back to regular day time contact and work up to overnights when your DD is happier, if your ex genuinely wants to put your DC first then he shouldn't have a problem with this

cod · 26/12/2017 17:38

agree it’s your job to facilitate this. Make it happy and smooth. He’s her father

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2017 17:38

That sound really upsetting but no, a three year old is far too young to decide she’s not going to have a relationship with her father.

If you can’t sort out a private arrangement between yourselves you’ll need to go to mediation and sort something more official with a third party. And at 3 she is old enough for overnight contact with her dad. If she hadn’t done if before it’ll take a while to get used to it. What did you say to her beforehand? Have you played up the benefits, told her she’ll have a nice time, that her brother enjoys staying over, that she can call you if she wants to when she’s there?

It sounds like he handled it really badly and it’s shit to be ignoring your calls when he must know you’re worrying. But she’s with her father, he’s not a random stranger. I’m sure she’ll be fine. There are ways to make overnight contact easier and pulling the plug isn’t going to help long term. If he goes to court, which he might if you try and stop contact, he’ll get overnights. So I’d try and work together when everyone’s calmed down.

Saladd0dger · 26/12/2017 17:40

I’m really sorry this has happened OP. My DD was also a refuser when it came to her dad. I don’t even have any advice. It was a truly awful time. Now she’s 13 and doesn’t see her dad anymore, more for the fact he can’t be bothered. But looking back I do think if it was left to my DD to pick and choose instead of feeling forced she would probably have chose to go to her dads because she is sooo stubborn at being told things. A lot has come out over the years about his emotional ways towards her and her half siblings and she did have counselling, maybe you could get some play therapy counselling for your DD??

Original poster
ChangedMyNameInDecember · 26/12/2017 17:42

NotReallyArsed Is that correct? Can I refuse stay overs?
She is very close to me. She was 10 months old when he left, and two years old when he came back into her life.
I agree she needs to build up a relationship with him but slowly, at her own pace.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 26/12/2017 17:44

My Dsd has these meltdowns every so.often even now she is 10. The ridiculous part if it is once her mum has gone she is absolutely fine and settles down fine. She's always had tantrums with her mum and only has them with us on very rare occaisions as we don't put up with them or try to placate her.

Poshindevon · 26/12/2017 17:45

You cant refuse contact for one child abd not the other.
It is up to you to help your DD have a relationship with her not to prevent her from seeing him.

KarmaStar · 26/12/2017 17:51

What a horrible man.
Making his point at the cost of his daughter's happiness?
I would definitely be checking how I stand legally and if he tries it again stand your ground and call the police.
He deserted her and now expects her to just accept him ?
He needs to grow up and look at this in an entirely different way,i.e.take into account what you advise and what the children want and need.
Stand firm OP,don't let him bully you.

HumphreyCobblers · 26/12/2017 17:54

If she was happy to go when it wasn't overnight then I would go back to that for the time being.

Remember this man buggered off for ages and ages....he can wait a bit to encourage overnights at a slower pace.

I personally wouldn't insist on taking a child who was so distressed anyway. And wtf is the not contacting you now about? Any normal person would know that you would want to be reassured she had calmed down.

Original poster
ChangedMyNameInDecember · 26/12/2017 17:54

Thanks everyone for your replies.
FYI I did try and ease her into the idea, told her that she had a big pile of xmas presents round there and they would all be doing something nice together tomorrow. She's just not bothered.
I know she needs a relationship with her father, ds adores him and its lovely to have him back in his life.
But it is heart breaking to see DD forced into doing something that makes her that upset. It was nothing like a trip to the dentist or dropping her off at the childminders for the day. She was inconsolable.

OP posts:
becotide · 26/12/2017 17:58

I think you need to give this more effort than "She went once and cried, she doens't have to go to her dad's

because what if she had gone,happily, and then never wanted to come home? What if she screamed and clung to daddy when you arrived to fetch her? Would that be it for you, no real time with your daughter? You'd walk away? I don't think so.

DotForShort · 26/12/2017 17:59

You would be very unreasonable to stop contact altogether. She has a right to a relationship with her father (if you are sure he will be a constant presence in her life, though his disappearing act is certainly a cause for concern). Perhaps she isn't ready for overnight visits. Her dad should be flexible about that for now as she is still so little. But regular, meaningful contact is important for her in order to build a strong relationship with her father.

BackInTheRoom · 26/12/2017 18:10

@ChangedMyNameInDecember that must have been hard to watch 😕. He should have left his DD at home and not forced her. I feel sad for her 😕