I am not who I want to be

[restofthetimes]

I am possibly a bit lazy but generally capable of lots of things. Especially when my mother but also when my husband is around I give up on having ideas and taking on tasks or organisation.

They bring me down with constant input (i call it bandwagon jumping), advice, comments like “isn’t she amazing” just so patronising. I guess I like to work alone and not be the centre of attention for everyone. Maybe I just want to be in control.

I think there’s something wrong with me because I can’t get on with these people to a sufficient level to achieve being the mum/homemaker/host I would like to be.

Are you guys in control at home? This is a horrible mine field and I am now hiding under the duvet while duh does turkey leftovers for supper .

Nope not in control in my house. I'm in the dog cos I dared to go back to bed for an hour yesterday after being up at stupid o'clock with the LO.
So he cancelled Xmas. Refused to go to family for lunch. And the man child is still sulking.
So guess what I'll be doing in the new year? Telling him to fuck off. Sick of the mind games & bullying.
Going to need help though as he's good at mind games so going to need to be strong.
Hope your Xmas gets better OP. Xx

Oh no. He sounds unreasonable. I hope you can get away, I don’t think I’m brave enough and it would be stupid of me, as these people love me, they just dominate me so easily.

Thanks. I hope you find the strength to stand up to them. It's hard.
Thank you for saying he is unreasonable. He honestly had me in tears today agreeing it was my fault he didn't have Xmas x

Why do you feel like you're not in control around your husband? Because he offers advice and encouragement? I'm struggling to see what makes you feel that way.

If you feel that way around your mum see less of her. You don't have to spend oodles of time with someone that leaves you feeling exhausted and controlled and in a minefield.

Why do you find praise from your husband or mother patronising?
Yes, I am in control not only in my home but in my life fullstop.

Thanks I find them singling me out patronising. I just want to BE not be commented upon. It’s always like they are surprised I can manage things like cooking.

Dh is a frustrated housewife and rushes around a bit like a martyr and I want to do it all myself but he won’t let me and we argue.

I try to see less of my mother but for reasons out of my hands she has to stay here for two more days.

It’s a bit of a fucking nightmare here today, but most of it is me not coping inside myself. I’ve been bulimic today for the first time in ages it’s quite a mess.

Why so you want to do it all rest? He wants to help. Let him. You're sounding more of a martyr there I'm afraid.

This sounds a bit.....odd

It sounds like they are being kind and appreciative.

That said, it is obviously upsetting you so you should talk to them.

It is odd it’s really hard to explain. I just never feel like I can get my will across. One example was for my wedding we had hog roast and I hate pork, it’s just easier to go along with things but then inside I feel terrible.
No idea how to talk to anyone about it, I think my mum going home will solve this on a few day’s time.
I want to do it all because it feels good to achieve things and be the mistress of my own home, but I’m basically not.

Sounds like your struggling with control, like you feel like you aren't in control of anything so you're desparate to feel in control of somethibg

"It is odd it’s really hard to explain. I just never feel like I can get my will across. One example was for my wedding we had hog roast and I hate pork, it’s just easier to go along with things but then inside I feel terrible."

Sorry OP but nobody can make you more assertive and force you to speak your mind except for you! Have you looked into any assertiveness training? Books, courses, therapy?

I’ve had various therapy. Part of the issue is that I don’t think things through..... maybe I need more.

So what was the problem when you had the hog roast? How did the discussions up to that point where it was being served go?

Did you not express your opinion at all, or did you express it well but were brow beaten into submission (or somewhere in between most likely)?

If you can honestly review past situations - and the honestly is important) you might be able to find clues on what needs to change in your life.