to think her presents are only given for her benefit!

[tiredandwornoutmumma]

There is a bit of a back story but a lot will be outing. Ex SIL has form for being quitee me me and loves attention/ a bit of drama.

Ex and I seperated in Nov, we have two DCs one aged 3 (she has a medical condition - relevant), and a baby aged 8 months. The last few months have been really tough adjusting to life as a single mum but I have struggled through, ex is on the most part fairly "helpful".

Ex MIL has planned a Xmas get together tommorow for ex's family. Me and DC were invited and ex will be working so I planned to take DC. MIL text me a week or so ago asking if I'd rather open presents tommorow or have them for Xmas day. I said if okay I'd find it easier if we exchanged gifts before as then ex could collect for me as I wouldn't manage taking lots home tommorow as DC1 needs a huge bag for his meds/emergency supplies/inhalers etc. plus all the extras the baby entails and I am bringing a portable highchair for baby to eat in. MIL fine and brought round her gifts, and the others from ex SIL, exs GPs etc.

We called SIL on Xmas day to say thank you, she kicked off big time on the phone to say MIL had no right to give us her presents and she wanted to see the DC open them tommorow. I got a bit emotional and just said I was sorry, thought she wouldn't mind as I will have so much to bring tommorow and couldn't manage to take much more with both DCs on my own, she is now in a huff with both myself and ex MIL and says she doesnt see much point coming tommorow when all gifts have been opened.

I do see her point that she may be disapointed but I think this kind of shows she wanted everyone to see what gifts she got the DCs (extravagant ones) rather than because she thought the DCs would like them/enjoy them.

I'm dreading tommorow now

Your MIL shouldn’t have made the decision for her though. If possible I like seeing children open the presents I have got them so I can understand why your SIL is pissed off at being told which way to do it rather than being asked.

You have nothing to apologise for. She is being a princess and absolutely wants to get all the credit.

You have enough on your plate at the moment. Ignore her strops tomorrow and enjoy the day with your DCs. I am guessing the family have been enabling her for years.

SIL is childish. You made an agreement with MIL, which was none of her business. She needs to grow up.

Yes looking back she probably should have been asked, I just didn't think to as 1) I didn't think it would matter because it wouldn't matter to me aslong as the children enjoyed what I had given and 2) because every year until now we have swapped presents before Xmas and opened on Xmas day.

Its really between her and mil as mil had no right to pass on her presents. I like seeing my nephews and nieces open their presents and its amazing how ages after they will say ..thats the game you gave me at Christmas. Your dd now has no idea who gave her what as won't associate it with the giver. But l wouldn't cause a strop about it my presents were given out without me knowing especially when you have so much going on. Sounds like your exs family are good to you so keep that door open. But l wouldnt be accusing sil of being all about herself.

Will you be giving presents? I would feel bad excepting presents in front of children if they had none to open. I do prefer the exchanges to happen at the same time. But equally I would completely understand your reasons.

To be fair when my DCs opened my families gifts on Xmas day (e.g. my parents, brother etc.) there was so much that if questioned now I doubt she'd remember what was from whom anyway.

Your sil is being very silly. Not thinking of you and your needs. Only thinking of herself

Very odd your sil can’t see the bigger picture.

DCs will a few (small) gifts to open from ex's GPs who are bringing down gifts tommorow, all the gifts I have given are at ex MILs and have been for a while as I assumed they would be taken back by SIL when they visited before Xmas.

I do understand in an ideal world we would all open together but this would mean I would have to take home both DCs (baby in arms as not walking obviously), and masses of gifts, MILs gifts were a sack load each, SIL bought each of them a large heavy gift, the babies was so big you would have to carry that and that alone so I do feel she is being quite "me me me" that she'd rather the DCs had to open gifts then leave them at MILs until a time they can be picked up.

It's happened, she needs to talk to her mum, it's not like you can undo the unwrapping is it.
Just thank her for the gifts if she is there and say how nice they were..

I actually insist on giving my dn and dns presents in person for that very reason. It’s very disappointing to know that your gifts have been ripped open and discarded for the next ones without even knowing who gave what.

Obviously at 3 a child can’t know this. How about you take some nice pictures of the dc with their gifts and show them today ( along with a thank you armed if you have time).

Have a nice day and just apologise if she’s disappointed. It sounds as if you are up against it. I hope they all pitch in today and help.

Exactly, as you say they can't be rewrapped now and have been opened so I'd have thought if she was just disapointed she would have just said oh I wish I'd have seen their faces, glad they liked them.

It seems more the drama she enjoys and she can't seem to see it through anyone elses perspective but her own.

I actually insist on giving my dn and dns presents in person for that very reason. It’s very disappointing to know that your gifts have been ripped open and discarded for the next ones without even knowing who gave what.

I do understand what you mean, but this happens at christmas regardless with children even if you are present, they are given lots at once, rip open the paper and open another. If I asked my DD now what I gave her, she probably wouldn't remember specifically but has sat there playing with them all, all morning.

I'm torn between apologising (again), tommorow and doing as you say making s big deal out of the gifts but at the same time I then feel I'm playing up to her tantrum and allowing her to act up when I truly think she is just being really unreasonable and not understanding or caring at all in how little it really matters in the grand scheme of things and now she has created tension for everyone involved

But even if they do move onto the next thing you get the joy of seeing their reaction and I don’t think wanting to see that makes her a bad person.

How are you getting to and from MILs?

Ignore her.

Given your circumstances, and how much stuff you have to cart around, She can just suck it up.

Can't someone give you a lift home?

If you were travelling in your own car, yabu.
If you were travelling by public transport or taxi, yanbu.

I actually insist on giving my dn and dns presents in person for that very reason

Would you insist on it even if it made your DN’s parents life much more difficult? OP has explained why this would have been very hard for her.

I wouldn't apologise again. By apologising, you are saying MIL did something wrong. I would be effusive in thanks for the gifts and say it in front of the gathered throng how much dc's 'loved' the particular presents. Quick change of subject, Job done.

No I don't think her wanting to see their reaction makes her a bad person but the following tantrum is OTT in my opinion, yes in an ideal world she wanted to see them but given she didn't come to us over Xmas, or even before to swap gifts and knows how.much I have to carry there and back I thought shed understand and not make unnecessary stress for everyone.

I will be driving to MILs. The car is parked right down the end of the street normally though as it gets so busy so I use the pushchair to the car with DDs medical bits in the basket, and change bag on the bars. Even if they all helped me but gifts in the car from MILs i would need to wait until I had someone to watch the DCs to get it all out the car as I'm not comfortable leaving them alone whilst I go down to the car in various trips to collect the gifts and bring them up to the house.

The babies gift would have to be built up anyway and isn't a toy' so not something she could have seen being enjoyed but it is a bulky heavy item for me to take alone. She also wanted me to pass on 3 gifts to ex (were amongst the DCs gift sacks).

This is ridiculous. Even if you do have your own car, it means lugging the kids and all the stuff they have been gifted into the car and then into the house whilst simultaneously keeping an eye on the children all by yourself. SIL is be VVVU.

Why didn’t Sil bring the presents with her when she was visiting Mil the same time you were, why did she leave them at Mil’s in the first place I can understand why Mil thought it was ok to give them as Sil was ok with leaving them and wasn’t protective about them to do that.

How hurtful and awkward that she made an issue out if it. I'm guessing your first Christmas apart was not easy and you had more on your mind that SILs feelings about seeing the reaction to her presents.

Negotiating ex-inlaw relationships is not easy. Right now you are probably trying to protect the relationships in place. I imagine long term it might be easier to leave SIL to your ex.

Fwiw my ex PiL dropped all presents off before Christmas without tags in case I wanted to increase the "Santa pile". They expressly said that as long as the DC got enjoyment they didn't need any further thanks.

So while I understand some feel differently, not everyone would have been disappointed.

Yosh how you described how your PIL dropped the gifts off is exactly how MIL did, she said she was sure DC would like to open them on Xmas day, and was happy with that. I sent thanks and some pictures of them enjoying the gifts and she was pleased. I didn't expect this reaction from SIL.

SIL does have form for this kind of tantrum and tends to have a "reaction" of sorts whenever the attention isn't fully on her or things don't go precisely how she wanted. I was already dreading tommorow as I know it will be stressful stopping the baby putting her older DCs toys in his mouth/non baby friendly home, juggling DDs treatments, bringing baby food etc. and having the gifts before just made my life so much easier and I hoped they'd understand that.