Christmas-related rant

[WellAlwaysHaveParis]

AIBU to have a little Christmas-related moan please?

I'm staying with my aunt (mum's side of the family) this Christmas, as we have done for quite a few years. It's me and DSis, our parents with my aunt, uncle, cousin (aunt and uncle's daughter), cousin's husband and my mum's sister.

For the past couple of years, my mum's cousin's son has also come with his wife and son for Christmas with us. He basically invited himself to stay over at Christmas during a phone call with my aunt two years ago, and has stayed over at Christmas since then.

I really really really want to be tolerant and accepting, and just let things go - especially because it's Christmas.

But MCS's behaviour is really starting to frustrate me. He will literally just talk at everyone about stuff that only he is interested in. Sometimes for up to twenty minutes, he can corner people, and it's just so boring.

And (this is the thing that frustrates me most!!!) he never, ever, ever offers to help out - either by cooking, clearing up, washing up. And he never ever says thank you or please!!!! His wife sometimes does, but he never does. Their son sometimes does (help out), but in fairness, he's only ten. Ours is the sort of Christmas where everyone just pitches in and gets stuck in.

My cousin's husband (who's stayed for the last two Christmasses or so, and is an absolute saint of a man) helps out with the cooking, clearing up and is just generally amazing to have around.

MCS, on the other hand, never said thank you for his Christmas presents today - neither did the son!!! It just made me really sad. It just feels so fucking self-centred.

Sorry. Rant over. I'm probably being U for ranting. It feels good to get it out .

Anyone?? Sorry - I know it's really really late!!

Yanbu to be frustrated.

Give him tasks to do if he doesn't volunteer. Be specific. e.g. Collect the dirty glasses and wash them up, and X will dry (make sure X is a firm sort who will be looming with the tea towel in hand in wait of freshly washed glasses, and send the most eagle-eyed child round to check for any glasses missed at collection time).

I would just start giving them jobs to do. E.g. "the dishes need doing - would you prefer to wash or dry?". And next year I would communicate your plans well in advance, e.g. "We are just having Xmas as the 5 of us (or however many) this year, we'll see you after New Year's". People will only take the piss as much as you allow them to.

My (now) XFIL was much the same and the entire family moaned about it behind his back but never addressed it.

His first Christmas with us gave him something of a shock. After dinner I stopped MIL before she got to the kitchen and parked her on the sofa with a brew.

FIL had been in the kitchen to get himself a can of lager (didn't pick one up for his son who had just cooked three courses for him). I spun him round by the elbow placed him in front of the sink and gave him some rubber gloves. Told him I was putting his beer in the fridge for when he had finished and left him to it.
He came out of the kitchen about 40 minutes later looking slightly stunned and without his can. In his shocked state he had also dried up.
He was still shit at home, but that wasn't my issue. He always mucked in at ours after that.

Thanks everyone! Sorry to hear about your similar stories!

MCS never goes in the kitchen!! He's always in the living room and we always have to bloody watch what he wants to watch and listen to him explain his way through all of the tropes and trivia of every goddamn programme!!!

How do I get him into the kitchen?! He once followed me into the kitchen while he was talking to me, but he hasn't since.

Announce jobs for Boxing Day (if he’s still there)
If aunt ok with plan of action announce that all the chefs from CD get to chill on sofa. All lazy arses from previous day organise the buffet.

There's another poster who RIGHTLY keeps saying the only way to deal with these cheeky fuckers is to call them on their shit!

Weezol played it exactly right!

EVERY TIME he "forgets" to say please, thank you remind him "er manners please!" When he is trying to force his choice of programme call for a show of hands on who wants to watch what, TELL him a clear job to do "a is doing X, b is doing y so YOU need to do z, here's the teatowels/rubber gloves/bin bag - crack on!"

Cheeky fuckers don't do hints!

You get him into the kitchen by saying 'Mr Cockwomble (you could also use his real name) please come into to the kitchen with me, I could do with your input'.
Thinking you want his advice he'll probably move like Usain Bolt.

You get him in the kitchen by being very upfront and telling him it's his turn to make the tea/pick up all the dirty dishes/wash up/dry/put things away/etc.. (I wouldn't volunteer him for cooking if you don't know that he's any good). And if he objects say in a very nice way "Everyone else pitches in, you need to too.". I would try him on the bigger tasks first (like the washing up) or pair him up with someone (who has a backbone) so he doesn't just do one thing and then go and sit down.

Stop thinking of this as him being a CF and think of it as him needing a different communication style. I wouldn't advocate this for a relationship, but for a guest it's fine. He doesn't have the social programming to know when he should offer to do things automatically so you need to add instructions manually. That's all. It isn't a power game. It doesn't have to have anything to do with him avoiding responsibility or putting everything on you just because he can. He just needs the right prompts when he's in someone else's house.

At your own house you can also say "no" to his choice of TV - Try "Oh, we always watch X in this house." and turning that on or "You chose last time MCS. Mum, what would you like to watch? [or just - I want to see Y]."

When he corners you, interrupt - "That's lovely but I really need to peel some spuds/talk to mum/I'm not in the mood for a discussion on this."

Your aim shouldn't be to be being polite in your normal terms (which he probably doesn't recognise anyway), it should be to be direct so you don't get too annoyed with him and can continue to welcome him into your home. But that means being nice but firm about the boundaries re: his behaviour. And it means putting those boundaries up early enough and far enough that you aren't already too pissed off with him for anything to feel OK. Also, you shouldn't expect to make up for his years of shirking - that needs to be put in the past.

Thanks again for your brilliant advice!! Sadly, I left to go home earlier today, but your advice will come in so handy next year! All of your tips are so useful in general as well, as I'm trying to work on my assertiveness anyway (I need a backbone!!)

Lol weezol

Applauds Boomboom