Crap Christmas!

[sarahjaneg]

Anyone else had a really crap Christmas Day??
Feel like in torn, on one hand I know I should be grateful, I have a beautiful family and a good husband, however I'm now sat alone downstairs having a glass of wine by myself while everyone else had gone to bed! I just feel so rubbish about today, I have four kids, 15, 14, 9, and 6. Work full time, still do the majority of the house stuff etc myself and today has been no different, I have literally cooked, cleaned up and waited on people since 7am, went to work this evening, asked my older children and husband if we could watch a movie and spend some time together when I got home, got in and they're all in bed, looking back on the day, not one person has so much has made me a coffee!
Just feeling so alone!

Go away next year.
Put your foot down. It’s what I made my mum do after years of being out upon by inconsiderate relatives who did nothing to help and only argued ok Christmas Day, spoiling it for us. The Christmasses we then had abroad were the best we ever had. Mum relaxed and we all got waited on and enjoyed our holiday. I’d strongly advise those who had a shit Christmas to do the same.

Time to make a New Year resolution about making your needs known.

Your family have got used to you doing everything. You may enjoy it most of the time, but you sound totally taken for granted. Your kids need to learn to muck in too. They are not toddlers! even the 6 year old can do simple tasks! have a good talk with your DH about your feelings, and get him onside.

Time to stop being everyone's unappreciated skivvy!

BouncyTigger85

I had an occasional small glass of something during both my pregnancies. Both my children have done very well academically.🙂 Both training for professions.

Have another glass tomorrow. It’s still Christmas.

I’ve had a shit day suffering with a kidney infection and fibromyalgia. Thankfully I have a husband who has cooked and cleaned and done all the washing so I don’t fret. I just wish I could go back to what I was like before the fibro and the pain but I can’t so every day is a new day with new memories. I think it’s time you sat the family down & told them how you feel and what you were hoping for when you came home from work. Xx

Expat I can't believe it's been six years since you lost your DD. I followed your thread at that time and I have thought of you and your family at times. Much love to you and yours.

OP that really does sound shit! But really only you can change the situation by being very clear what you expect from people. If you very subtly say you’d love everyone to be up when you get home, they’ll probably ignore you. But there’s no reason why the oldest two plus dh couldn’t have waited up, so make it very obvious.

Also, if you think about it, why should you be expected to do everything. It’s really ridiculous and exhausting. I used to run myself ragged cooking for everyone and then clearing up, making cups of tea and coffee, getting the house straight, buying and wrapping presents, looking after small ones and even dropping elderly relatives home afterwards while other family members just chilled.. Now I can’t believe I’m the same person! No way would I be having that!

Now dh cooks the meal and buys the food. We all help clear up. We share present buying. I take responsibility for the card writing and sending. The world still turns but the difference is, I enjoy myself too.

If you do most of the wifework normally, point out that there’s even more reason that you get a break in holiday times. The older two can certainly help too. You’ll find yourself a lot less resentlful.

Expat, so sorry for your loss . We lost my only DN last Christmas and it’s v tough on all of us.

Bouncy your relative sounds v rude and ill informed. I really don’t think half a glass of champagne would have that affect, otherwise most people of my generation would have vv low IQs, bearing in mind my parents generation didn’t stop drinking when planning to get pregnant and didn’t have early pregnancy testing and liked a few G&Ts!

First, have a good lie in. Then relax & recover today. Tell them after they left you to sort absolutely everything yesterday, it's their turn today to rustle up breakfast lunch and dinner.

sarahjaneg Tell them! People get used to things being a certain way in a family and they won't change spontaneously - you'll have to give them a nudge. Not a row - just 'I'm so glad we're all together at Christmas, I love you all and it's a special day for me, but getting all this organised is tiring and I'm knackered. Next year let's divide up the jobs so I don't have to do everything.'

Use this as a starting point to bring up the topic of who does the work in your house. Responsibilities have to evolve, otherwise you'll end up with blatant inequities, and resentment on one side matching entitlement on the other. It's pretty important for your kids to learn not to take advantage of loved ones, and to have the practical skills to look after themselves and their environment. You could be splitting the housework four ways! Get the ball rolling on some changes.

OP that is crap! I think you need to talk to dh and maybe the older kids about how you feel. Hopefully they can make up for it today.

I think we put soooooo much pressure on ourselves for one - yes, just ONE day of the year, feeling like it has to be perfect in every way... and so often it's not.

We went to my DBros yesterday and he cooked lunch. It went pretty well, but I still had a real sense of disappointment last night with everything. It's just like having thought of nothing BUT Christmas for what seems like months, and then 'poof'!! It's all done.

It's at times like this that I have to remember all those who are on their own this (and every) year. My NDN is in her late 70's with a son in Devon who I know could easily have her, but doesn't. Or won't. She always refuses to come to us, but I make sure I drop round food every now and again, and have her round here a bit more over the Christmas period.

Anyway, it's all done now! Onwards and upwards, and the days are getting lighter!

I think things have to change! Whilst you wait on everyone and do everything, this is normal for them and why would they think to do anything differently.

Use small steps and make changes gradually. They should all be pulling their weight but they won’t while you’re doing everything. Give them specific jobs to do and make them do them. Your children will not grow into capable, independent adults if they are used to you doing everything. Me and my brother did our own cleaning, washing, ironing, packed lunches etc., once we were into our teens and I fully recommend it.

Mum also taught us to cook, a useful life skill for everyone.

You must stick to what you introduce. There will be moans and groans at first because they’re not used to it.

DH must also start to pull his weight! Train the lot of them to spoil you regularly. Do it, life is 365 days a year not just Christmas. 💐

As is usually the case, your DH needs to step the fuck up.

@Abra1d thank you for the reassurance 😊 I know I’ll be fine in reality, but I’m a worrier by nature. It didn’t help that last night I dreamt I miscarried 😔

🥂

Also had a bit of a low one this year. It was always going to be a quiet one. Lots of our extended family are away and my husband is recovering from quite major surgery so we're not getting out much. We had a lovely meal, the four of us plus my parents but it still felt like a massive anticlimax. I do feel very aware that that's totally down to the build up to Christmas which now feels ridiculous. I basically spent 6 weeks looking forward to my mum and dad coming over for a roast! It was always going to fail to live up to the expectation!

Why do you do most of the housework if you also work full time? Surely your DH should be splitting it with you (if he also works FT), or doing the majority of it (if he works PT or less)?

As for xmas, I agree with having a calm conversation in a day or so about how you didn't really get time to stop and enjoy xmas this year, so next year you'll be expecting DH (at the very least, and maybe some of the older kids) to take on one or more of the jobs.

That does sound shit. But some people had a shit Xmas they had no control over - whereas you chose yours.

Tell them. And change how your family operates on ordinary days too.

Thinking of you expat. Your girl will never be forgotten on here.

I'm in hospital. They didn't send me a Christmas dinner (special diet) so I just had veg. I didn't see my primary school age kids, or any other friends or family. No alcohol. So yes, I had a crap day too. Just be glad it's over!

Sorry to hear all the stories on here.. :-( Mine was shit too, my car broke down, I got to my parents and my dad bickered with my autistic son all afternoon who also himself was being unreasonably demanding and fussy then my mum kicked off screaming at my ASD son not to be so selfish and that she never wants to see him again, and I kicked off as well because I was so stressed with all of it. My son went to bed in tears and then I went to work this morning after only 4 hours sleep to work as a paramedic working a gruelling 13.5 hour shift helping other people who can't help themselves, and some genuine people, only to come home knackered and feeling totally deflated. Pleased it's all over