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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say than money is a lazy gift?

40 replies

jinglebells123 · 25/12/2017 22:22

Unless you have specifically asked for it?

Once again because I didn’t specify exactly what I wanted this year my mum gave me cash and while I’m grateful for the gift I’m also annoyed that she spent so little time and effort on it.

I was in the same boat with her - when asked she didn’t want anything specific but I suggested she needed a new phone which she agreed and when offered the choice of me picking one or giving her money she said she would prefer money (which as requested I gave her) but I also got her some really thoughtful and personal gifts such as a memory book to share with my dd, a personalised photo calendar, personalised key ring. I spent time and effort on it while she basically visited the cash machine.

I know I ABU to a point but I’ve got a good job while she is on benefits and I’d rather she spent less and put more thought into it,

For me, this year has been crap for gifts as DH also put little effort in - we had agreed just to get a couple of small things but again I put in time and effort to get gifts that wouldn’t cost a lot but that he’d love whereas he got me chocolates and the same booze I always drink which I already have a supply of in the cupboard!

Sorry just feeling a bit rubbish that I’ve spent time considering thoughtful gifts and haven’t received the same in return:(

OP posts:

BenLui · 26/12/2017 05:17

Gifts are not tests of love.
Some people are rubbish at buying gifts, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
How much time someone spends picking a gift means nothing (Other than that they like shopping)

If your Mum doesn’t know what to buy you, give her a list of suggestions.

Stop being resentful that she’s failing a test she doesn’t even know she’s sitting.

FireCracker2 · 26/12/2017 05:33

Yabu.cash is the universally appreciated gift.stop being so moany and ungrateful

NoCanoe · 26/12/2017 05:37

I'd be happy with cash.
I'm giving cash to family members. I hope they don't think it lazy!

NoCanoe · 26/12/2017 05:38

I'd love cash!! No one ever gives me cash!

Blackteadrinker77 · 26/12/2017 05:56

I must admit I prefer not to give cash as it seems so impersonal.

I've had no choice this year due to ill health for a lot of people though. I'm going to make it up to them on birthday this year. They won't be bothered but I hate it.

Oblomov17 · 26/12/2017 06:05

Both ds's prefer cash. Which is good because we are a huge family and all 7 sil's and grandparents give cash.

I think you will find OP that you are the minority!!

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 26/12/2017 06:14

This thread and its ilk are the reason that so many people dread buying Christmas presents (yes, that’s s reference to an earlier thread)

mumof2sarah · 26/12/2017 06:35

Some people don't receive anything at all at Christmas! I'd be very greatful that even though it wasn't really thoughtful it's still a gift and if you really want something thoughtful you can choose it yourself now OP. My DBIL went to visit his family (new grandson and 3 sons yesterday) runs ragged around them constantly and he didn't even get so much as a card yet there were presents under the tree for the sons mum and their MILs, he looked so deflated when he arrived here!

JUST BE GREATFUL that DH stuck to what was agreed and DM gave you a gift she probably thought would mean you could choose what you wanted!!

BaffledMummy · 26/12/2017 07:33

I love getting wrapped presents - don't even really care what's in them (which is just as well as usually it ends up in charity shop or lying around the drawers for years) but I just get the giddy childish joy of the surprise

My heart used to sink when I was a kid and I was given an envelope instead of a wrapped present - although I was always very thankful to the giver. I think for me it is because I associate gift giving more with thoughtfulness and effort - taking the time to pick something you think the recipient will like is worth more to me than the actual gift....but I know I'm in the minority there!

Now I'm a bit older, I don't get upset about it...I know people find it stressful and difficult buying gifts. I've never had a wrapped gift from my DDad since my DM died - he is just utterly hopeless and I know he gets really upset and stressed about it. My DM used to do all the present buying and she was brilliant at it. He overcompensates by giving far too much money which I always feel a bit awkward about taking as we have a similar imbalance of income - I feel like I should be giving him cash!

We also have 4 stockings hanging up at home for Christmas - every year I fill the stockings with thoughtful bits for DH and the DC - every year my stocking remains empty. I'm not sure my DH has even noticed!

Try not to let it get to you - as long as you feel loved in other ways, take comfort from that. Hope Santa is good to you next year OP!

TangledInTinsel · 26/12/2017 08:17

My parents ask what I want, then they tell me to get it and tell them how much it was. Then they never give me the money. I've spent money I can ill afford on things I thought were gifts. Now I don't ask for anything and they give me cash. Much prefer it. Just ordered some shelves for my bathroom 😀

Baffled why don't you buy yourself some treats and fill your stocking instead of DH's?

JustHope · 26/12/2017 09:34

*Gifts are not tests of love.
Some people are rubbish at buying gifts, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
How much time someone spends picking a gift means nothing (Other than that they like shopping) *

^
This

I cannot understand why grownups behave like spoilt kids over Christmas gifts and think they are some sort of symbol of a persons love for them. Does a personalised key ring really mean that you care more about a person?

Be grateful that you have family and loved ones around you, be understanding, kind and compassionate. None of know what lies ahead and how next Christmas might be.

k2p2k2tog · 26/12/2017 09:41

Of course it is.

My inlaws like the idea of giving Christmas gifts but can't be arsed to get online and order things, or pick something up at the shops. So they set a budget of £50 per person and at the beginning of December they just trasnfer the money into our account. If we want the kids to have something to open from their grandparents, we have to then sort it out ourselves.

It's thoughtless, minimal effort and sends a huge "can't be arsed" message.

JustHope · 26/12/2017 09:56

I don’t think it’s always about ‘can’t be arsed’ but sometimes they just don’t know what to get or are worried that it will be the wrong thing. My DPs have given money this year because there’s nothing in particular that DH and I want. We will probably use the money to have a lovely meal out with the DCs over Christmas. I would rather have this than another scarf or a token set of shower and body lotions.

scaryteacher · 26/12/2017 11:08

My Mum put cash in my account, and I sorted all the presents. She doesn't shop online, so I do it, get it delivered to ds at uni,then pick it all up when I'm back in the UK to collect him at the end of term. I know what the present requirements are, so can get it done far more easily.

This year ds wants a sparring jacket, but there is a better and more expensive one just about to be launched, so he got an IOU, and the money from my Mum will go towards this for him.

It works for us in terms of presents from my Mum and makes her life easier.

IsaSchmisa · 26/12/2017 11:33

I really do feel a bit down about my gifts this year - which I know sounds ungrateful but I wish someone had spared a bit of time to put some thought into it.

Mmm, thoughtful is kind of in the eye of the beholder though isn't it? This is the problem with present buying. People can put as much thought into it as they like but you might still not like it. It's a skill. It isn't a necessarily a test of how much the giver values the recipient.

I'm going to be blunt here as well: you're throwing stones in an at least partially glass-built house when she asked for money and you chose to buy her things she may not have wanted, one of which was partially a present for your child.

You may well think those are nice presents to receive, perhaps they are what you'd like yourself, and I believe you when you say you put thought into them. But an equally valid conclusion to draw would be that it would've been more thoughtful to use the money you spent on the presents and add to the cash you gave her. Especially as she's on a low income. I can actually well imagine her AIBU now.

I don't say this to upset you btw, just to try and get you to reflect on whether the idea you have that what you consider thoughtful presents are better. It sounds like you feel less valued because you don't think your presents had any thought put into them: I really don't think you should feel that way at all. They have actually got you presents you will use. That shows thought, doesn't it? Maybe they both know they're crap at this type of thing and have instead chosen to ensure you're not left with something you'll just chuck away.

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