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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and embarrassed at his drinking

30 replies

LilGblue · 25/12/2017 19:25

Long story short DH is too fond of a drink and it causes arguments with us almost weekly. Asked him if he could please stay the right side of sober today whilst my family were over for dinner. By 4pm he was drunk having had at least 12 lagers plus vodka then staggered by and passed out on the bed until about an hour ago.

I was so embarrassed and angry sitting there trying to make out it didn't bother me but it really has.

My family have went home now and I've fell out with DH as he thinks I'm being unreasonable as "everyone drinks and goes to sleep on Christmas day".

I can see this tuning into a massive fight now and he'll probably disappear out drinking for the night.

So basically AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
HollyBerryHolly · 25/12/2017 19:27

What a prick, did he say he got drunk and did you kinda know that he wouldn't stay sober? I hope you still had a good day op. 🎄

Ummmmgogo · 25/12/2017 19:28

everyone does drink and fall asleep on Xmas day. no-one argues with their partner weekly about how much they are drinking unless they are an alcoholic. sorry but you will have to ltb for anything to change xxxxxxxx

HollyBerryHolly · 25/12/2017 19:28

Did he say why he drunk

Groovee · 25/12/2017 19:28

I think if this is a regular occupancies which is causing frequent arguments then it sounds like he has a problem and that he is unreasonable. I will say that I have a family member who has issues around alcohol so I may not be someone who sees the picture clearly.

madein1995 · 25/12/2017 19:30

Yanbu. Yes most people like a drink on xmas day and an afternoon snooze but not to that extent! I've been drinking 'all day' since 1pm but savouring each one. So chilling a bottle of cherry brandy, cleaning a nice glass, putting ice in the glass and making each drink last 40 mins/1 hour. It's drinking to relax not get pissed and as a result I'm just feeling the nice effects and enjoying myself.

Quite beside that is the fact that you argue weekly, so it's clearly an issue. Also I don't know anyone who could drink 12 cans without being sick so his tolerance is very high. Not normal also to go to bed when you are hosting people. It sounds like he has a problem op, you don't have to put up with it

just5morepeas · 25/12/2017 19:31

12 lagers plus vodka by 4pm?! Sounds like he has a very high tolerance for alcohol and is probably an alcoholic.

Hermagsjesty · 25/12/2017 19:31

I think getting drunk and falling asleep at Xmas is not unusual but arguing weekly about drinking definitely. It must be rubbish - you have my sympathies

TooManyPaws · 25/12/2017 19:31

Dear gods, you are so so not unreasonable. Maybe a lot of people get tiddly but passing out in bed is most definitely not normal.

I would look into getting some support and guidance for yourself such as Al-Anon. He is not going to realise the problems his drinking causes until he is ready to so all you can do is decide what you want to do. To be honest, I eventually gave up on my ex because drink would always come first. I still know when he is drinking because I get the pleading "but I love you" texts but it wasn't worth it in the end for me. You need to get some support in whatever you choose to do. ❤️

Cherrycokewinning · 25/12/2017 19:32

That’s not normal for someone older than 30, no. How long has this been going on? Is he particularly stressed or unhappy at the moment? Is it just your family, does he hate them?

Of course lots of people overload at Xmas and snooze on the sofa. That’s not quite the same as getting wankered and being put to bed though

Stillme1 · 25/12/2017 19:34

Not everyone drinks on Christmas. In fact Christmas day was the only day a family member did not drink any alcohol. It may have been wiser not to have had any alcohol in the house if you know he will act like this. Many people who are sober but have cooked all day would love to fall asleep today but they are not.
I really love (hate) his wide statement that everyone does this or that.
It is tough love time. Either he stops drinking and embarrassing you especially in front of your family/parents or you leave. It is that simple. His behaviour is just not acceptable

Eltonjohnssyrup · 25/12/2017 19:34

It does sound like there is a problem. I think your best course of action would be to tell him he needs to leave until he has dealt with his drinking. (That is presuming you want him back). Are there DCs involved?

It sounds like you need drastic action to make him face up to it.

Spartaca · 25/12/2017 19:34

Well, no-one I know is drinking to excess and falling asleep on Christmas Day so it certainly isn't the norm in my circles. Hugely unattractive as a trait so would fuck me off no end.

Dozer · 25/12/2017 19:35

it was unrealistic to expect someone with an alcohol problem to moderate their drinking. You can’t control it. You can only decide whether to stay with him.

Cherrycokewinning · 25/12/2017 19:38

Agreed. The idea that you just have no alcohol in the house is mental

placebobebo · 25/12/2017 19:39

Let him go out for a drink tonight OP. Then lock the door and message him telling him he can sleep elsewhere tonight and collect his stuff tomorrow. He is an alcoholic.

CheeseyToast · 25/12/2017 19:41

Ugh how revolting. Sorry OP but there's only one thing to do and that is to remove yourself from the drinking by removing yourself from the relationship.

Make no mistake, you cannot change his drinking. it is entirely within his control. And he will not change unto 1. He decides to, 2. Gets a lot of support (including professional) and 3. Makes big adjustments to his lifestyle ie quitting pub habit and therefore contact with drinking friends.

Sorry OP, been there, done that and I truly feel for you. Love my new, drunk-free life.

Original poster
LilGblue · 25/12/2017 20:15

Thanks everyone ❤ I know myself he's not going to stop drinking, he won't get help cos he doesn't think he has a problem so I think it may be time to call it a day. Just need to find the guts to end it.

He's away out so I'm gonna tidy up and have an early night. Thanks x

OP posts:
SomewhereEast · 25/12/2017 21:11

By 4pm he was drunk having had at least 12 lagers plus vodka then staggered by and passed out on the bed until about an hour ago

As the child of an alcoholic parent (now deceased) this sounds depressingly familiar Sad. Having a drink or two on Christmas Day is normal. The above is not normal.

specialsubject · 25/12/2017 21:13

12 lagers is an alcoholic, sorry. Throw him out. How far further down he goes is up to him.

RJnomore1 · 25/12/2017 21:17

A few drinks and a nap is normal at Christmas but you know that isnt.

Do you have children?

Don't be embarrassed. It wasn't you. Your family don't think any less of you. But they may have seen what you put up with and be ready to help you get out.

Flowers
Lellikelly26 · 25/12/2017 22:00

That’s a lot of drink. No offence but he sounds like an alcoholic. My ex was, he did eventually go to AA after I left him and is now sober. But he used to cause arguments to go out drinking too. And someone can still be an alcoholic if they don’t drink everyday. Binge drinking to excess I.e. not being able to stop is also alcoholic

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/12/2017 22:02

Why did you pretend you weren't bothered? If I was your family I would be seriously worried about you not being openly bothered by such obvious alcoholism.

Sweetpea55 · 25/12/2017 22:21

What sort of turd is he...?
And no every doesn't get drunk and pass out on Christmas day.

theabysswithin · 25/12/2017 22:26

Hell no. Your husband has a serious alcohol problem. 12 lagers and vodka by 4pm? That's off the chart. Christmas has nothing to do with the price of fish.

Sorry to be blunt but he's an alcoholic and there are only two ways this situation can improve: he stops drinking completely (and it doesn't sound like he's up for this) or you leave him.

yousignup · 25/12/2017 22:30

My DH is a drunk. He has missed so many special meals and events because he's passed out or still in the pub. It's awful and now we are separated. I know how you feel, OP, and I'm sorry.