Can't tell if I'm being unreasonable (miscarriage and SIL)

[JustGandering36]

So I can't genuinely tell if I'm being unreasonable or not so maybe some mumsnet perspective will help.

Roughly 2 weeks ago I miscarried, confirmed by doctor but was classed as an early miscarriage, and I still don't think I've processed it properly. I was still very unsure as to whether I was going to keep the baby however that decision was firmly taken out of my hands. My sister in law announced the day I told her I had a miscarriage that she was pregnant. I am happy for her and have congratulated her as it means I'll be an Auntie however all she ever talks about now is the bump/baby. It's all about names and what she's going to do with the nursery and what life's going to be like with a baby.

It doesn't help my mom isn't exactly the most supported as she told me it was a good job I miscarried as I'm not with the father and still young but she constantly talks about my SIL pregnancy and how everyone is reacting and while visiting family that's all the news she has announced. I'm not sure if I just feel bitter that she's not given me any support and showered my SIL with it or whether I'm genuinely being unreasonable. I understand everyone is excited as it's her first baby but still it does rather sting...

Apologise that's rather long

YANBU regardless of whether or not you had decided to keep the baby or not a MC is a horrendous thing to go through. The lack of support from your family along with the lack of sensitivity is VU!!

A most unfortunate comment your mum made there. You're not being unreasonable.

There is a chance you not being sure how you felt about the baby came out as you not wanting it hence they don't think you're in pain ...
Sorry for what you went through

You're not being unreasonable at all. Take care of yourself xx

Yanbu
So sorry for your loss. And it is a loss even if you weren't sure what to do.

I don't think you can underestimate the power of emotion from a miscarriage. It shook for me a long time. I'm sorry you don't have the support from your family. Is there anyone else in rl you can talk to? (Mumsnet Is pretty nice too of course)

Have you tried telling your mum how you feel? she can be excited when you're not around. She doesn't have to rub it in your face.

Take care of yourself

this was the same for me with my first pregnancy I was 18. Doesn't make it any less painful. Express to your mum that it still hurts plus you'll still be having hormones going nuts in your body so it's no bloody wonder you're emotional.

Sorry for your loss, please be kind to yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself re you weren't sure what you were going to do (same for me too).

Aw, honey, no, you're not being unreasonable, they're being insensitive, or at least they're not stopping to think about how you might be feeling.
Take good care of yourself and either see a bit less of them while you're still raw, or try and tell them how you're feeling if you think they'll understand.

Your mums comment is horrid.

But you will need to accept your sister talking a lot about this big thing happening in her life. If she knows you're feeling bad then she could do with being a bit tactful, but honestly it's only going to get more and more as baby's arrival gets closer. So you will have to learn to cope as time goes by or avoid her a little bit until you feel better.

Thank you very much for all your kind words! I just thought it was all in my head and over reacting but I guess not. I do have people in real life to speak to about it as my friends are absolutely amazing! I just don't really know how to process everything right now it just feels a bit numb and weird.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I was the same: early and didn't know what I'd do but it floored me. Your mum mightn't really understand the "what if"s that are probably going round your head right now. It's natural for her to get excited about SIL, but you should ask her for support because it sounds like she wrongly thinks you're relieved that it's been taken out of your hands, and that there's no conflict or sense of loss. So she won't see that she's treating you and SIL differently as she doesn't know that you need support.

Maybe have a look on the MC board on here. At the time I felt that in the circumstances I had no right to be so upset, and it helped me to validate and process my feelings. Good luck

Hugs.

I too lost a pregnancy when I was unsure what I wanted to do. I was around 90% sure I'd terminate but the choice being removed is heartbreaking. Your mother is being insensitive, and I'm so sorry about that.

Be kind to yourself, and try and ignore her as best possible.

I think that's what I'm feeling @therealnigeltufnel like I have no right to be upset. I've said this to my friends that I can't be upset because I 95% didn't want the baby but my emotions just feel all over the place.

I know just and I'd thought: women lose pregnancies when they're quite advanced and wanted, so what right do I have to feel like this so early and in this situation. I think for me it was the what-ifs, and having the possibility taken away so suddenly. No, you need to process all this and it might take a bit of time; it's complex and there's probably conflict going on between hormones and logic and emotion. You have every right to your feelings.