Aibu to be annoyed about this

[SylviaTietjens]

Dh’s parents are staying with us for Christmas. They’re lovely people but very much expect to be waited on, won’t get up and make a cup of tea or anything. Dh works very long hours and I’m a sahm. This year I have chosen, purchased and wrapped all presents for dc, my family, his family and mutual friends. I am also cooking Christmas dinner for us all.

Dc1’s main present is a micro scooter. Which again, I’d chosen, bought, put together and wrapped. Dc2 needed his afternoon nap. Obviously no one else was going to put him down, so I stopped cooking and gave him his bottle and put him to sleep.

I come back downstairs and they’ve all (dh, mil, fil and dc1) gone out. No note or anything, but scooter gone so they must be going up to park on his scooter. I can’t come too because dc2 is in bed.

I wanted to see dc1 try his scooter for the first time! I’m just a complete fucking skivvy. Now I’m just sitting on the sofa drinking sherry while the dinner burns. Actually I don’t care if iabu or not, I’m really fucked off.

I would’ve been really cross. YANBU.

Pil have now gone home and I’ve had an earful from dh about being unfriendly and unwelcoming. Every thing I do is wrong. I’m taking dc’s out on my own today so no one can point out everything I’m not doing perfectly.

Cheeky bastard having a go at you!!!! This doesn’t sound good OP

Did you ask for any help though?

Are they the type that would help if you asked?

@SylviaTietjens

I realised after 20 years in a relationship that I always put everyone else first and this made me inadvertently passive aggressive. You cannot expect people to mind read or put you first. YOU have to put YOU first in order to be happy OP. I hope that seeing the selfishness around you will be your wake up call because I kept denying it. 💐

Could you have a calm conversation with him about how you would have liked to enjoy xmas too, and what would have made that possible?

Does he normally leave all the chores to you, or was this unusual?

If my dh had started giving me an earful he’d have got one back about how he’d done fuck all.

In future I’d tell him what needs doing and when. Don’t stop cooking dinner to out dc2 down, tell him to either take over the cooking or get child to bed.

I sat down with dh and told him this afternoon how upset I felt yesterday when they all fucked off. Dh huffed off and said I spend my life whinging, nothing he does is ever enough and loads of women would love to be a sahm but can’t afford to.

I don’t complain. Ever. I asked pil’s to help put the buffet out on xmas eve and dh to iron the xmas table cloth. 10 minutes later mil is ironing the table cloth as her poor son has been at work all week. Fil is wandering around with a tray of sausage rolls, putting it down on a bit of table, standing back and looking at it to admire the effect, picking it up and moving it to another bit of table, then rearranging the sausage rolls on the plate into a pyramid, going back to admire and move the plate again. So yeah, in the end I just did it all myself.

I didn’t complain then. I didn’t complain when I had to give up my career to be a sahm as dc1 has asd and wasn’t coping with childcare. I didn’t complain when I was doing a 4 hour round trip twice a week with my asd child to help my dying gmil as my (retired) il’s were too busy gardening to have time to visit her. I didn’t complain when I missed my one evening out a month because dh was working late again and didn’t let me know.

Maybe this is my fault for just taking the path of least resistance all this time. But this isn’t the life I wanted. I wanted a fulfilling career, children that could enjoy things rather than finding everything terrifying and a dh who fucking noticed what I did jus once in a while. I’m fucking angry and sad and I want to go home.

Oh Sylvia you shouldn’t have to put up with this. I can picture the scene you describe exactly. You describe it so eloquently - you should show your OH this post & thread.
He seems to have no idea about how much you’re doing. How insulting to tell you other women would love to be a SAHM like you. I don’t think anyone would sign up for a Christmas like the one you’re having. You’re a skivvy, not an equal partner.
Could you get any extra help at home, childminding or cleaning? Of course this won’t solve everything but you shouldn’t be shouldering all of this yourself. Your husband must start pulling his weight too.

Do you want to continue being a SAHM? It sounds as if you don't feel valued, and I wonder whether a PT job where you can feel appreciated for skillful work would help? How old are you - might you still have time to develop a career?

Obviously with your DC having ASD, you and your DH will need to discuss how that could be achieved. Would it be financially viable for him to reduce his hours to 4 days a week so that you can be at work PT? After all, 'loads of women would love to be a sahm', so I'm sure he'll jump at the chance to do it one day a week...

... or does he not fancy giving up the status that paid work affords him, to do all the housework, and run around after the family with no recognition of his work? Perhaps he needs to consider why he doesn't want to it, and that maybe the life of a sahm isn't quite a rosy as he's making it out to be.

You need to find a way to make him see that you're an equal part of the relationship, and (currently) deeply unhappy. Even though the status quo is working for him, it isn't working for you, and so it needs to change.

(As a side note, why are you bothering to iron a table cloth?!)

I've just remembered that DC1's main present was a scooter. Of course you still have plenty of time to have a fulfilling career!

If that's what you want to do, you should absolutely have the opportunity to do it. Two PT jobs can give you the same income as one FT job, whilst still allowing you to cover childcare.

I am sorry your Christmas has played out like this. . Let 2018i be the year you do things differently. Getting a job has to be your first place to start. You need financial independence from your dh. He sounds really unsupportive ungrateful and demanding.

If you need to look into retraining. If your dh is working long hours and you are well off look to get some help with cleaning and childcare. Make these sacrifices now to get your life back on track.

Next Christmas dont buy all pressie. Make your dh do his share. Also go out to eat. Send PIL home or just dont have them over. Stop waiting on them. Stop waiting on dh. Lower your standards. Who irons a tablecloth?!

Sad for you that your full time job is being domestic servant and no one thought that you deserved a break from your old routine. Your dh thinks you have an easy life. He is the only one 'working'. Your contribution to and facilitation of his life has been completely overlooked. Make this the point at which that changes.

No making excuses. You need to woman up and stand up to your dh. Otherwise you are being a martyr.😕😕😕

It sounds like you both feel unappreciated by each other. I totally see where you are coming from, being expected to feel grateful all the time for not having to go out to 'work'. But perhaps his long hours at his job and the financial responsibilities are getting to him too? Time for an honest talk about how you are both feeling, can you have an evening out without the children?

I get it. I also get that it's also often not possible for you to find work to fit in with dc/dh, or him to reduce hours, etc. The only thing you can really change is his perception of your roles in the family. Make sure he knows how much you do. Don't back down on making him do his fair share. Hopefully when he sees how much you do (and he doesn't notice atm because it just gets done around him with no fuss), he might get a bit of initiative. Mind you, his DM isn't helping with the ironing thing.
Try making a plan for more independence for when DC are a bit older.

Having a child with ASD certainly makes it difficult to have a career, but not impossible. What did you do before? Is it something you could do on a freelance basis? Could you look at hiring a part time nanny or similar home childcare instead of dealing with after school clubs etc?

Sorry you had a bit of a shit Xmas. It all sounds grim.

Your DH is a twat.

I would have been fuming at them fucking off with my child that I do all the work for and leaving me with childcare and cooking. How dare they all treat you like a skivvy and then your DH has the audacity to get annoyed with you.

I'd honestly tell him that something changes or you will seriously rethink your current life, with him.

I’m liking your (D)H less and less