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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask is this emotional abuse

23 replies

confusedpineapple · 24/12/2017 22:52

I am asking as I have no clue. One moment I feel I am being abused and the next moment I feel over dramatic

Basically the issues I have with H that make me feel I'm being abused;

he is very controlling. He doesn't like me going out, more than twice a month and he will make sarcastic comments to me which are quite horrible, he has called me a bad mum for going out and leaving my 19 year old babysitting my younger teenagers previously. He expects text updates of where I am etc
I do ALL the housework. He literally just works and maybe washes up sometimes. If I didn't have his shirt ready for work or socks or anything he would shout at me, something along the lines of "I'm tired, why haven't you fucking done it?"
I am so anxious about shopping, I also do all this and I can never get it right. He's thrown things on the floor as it's not the "right fucking steak" and as soon as I get in the door "have you got xx item" no hello or how's your day
he undermine me and makes me feel stupid and weak with regular sarcastic and vile comments. Will threaten to "Jab me in the cunt" as a joke then laugh it off or makes jokes about my appearance or weight sometimes
vile comments about family members. My mother is an "upright bitch" for example.

I shall post more examples later but any help?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/12/2017 22:54

Yep ring women's aid and work out the best way for you to leave.

Greensleeves · 24/12/2017 22:56

Sorry, is there anything good about him at all?

He's a cunt. Get rid.

pinkyredrose · 24/12/2017 22:57

He's a digusting abusive arsehole. Make next year the year you kick him out and start enjoying life.

Angie169 · 24/12/2017 23:04

Get out , get out NOW . this man is controlling you , get in touch with the Samaritans Crises he is not worth your time and energy, take your kids with you and go,

Original poster

confusedpineapple · 24/12/2017 23:31

I said last night I wasn't happy, he kind of shrugged it off because it thinks I don't mean it but I do

He's started to treat my eldest DD the same. Have seen some controlling of DD's expenditure and he hates her going out too. She will want to go out clubbing and he then says no, he's not happy with this, does she understand that?

He also shouts at DS over housework. Gets up. First thing he says "why haven't you fucking hoovered"

I was doing all housework at 9 months pregnant with no help at all

He can be funny. And kind sometimes. More often than not just moody. But then he goes too far and will make homophobic and rascist jokes. He's extremely rude and vile viewed. He's either depressive and sullen or over the top, hyper, telling the kids we're 'getting it on' and teasing DS

He said yesterday this is him and I knew it when we got married.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedpineapple · 24/12/2017 23:37

I can afford to leave now, this is why I'm thinking about it. I've recently come to this decision as I believe he's now treating my DDs how he treats me

My DDs lie about where they are, are anxious at home and stay in their rooms. When he's at work they are happy and relaxed and stay downstairs. They are always walking on eggshells

My younger DD also seems to have issues with men in general. She will fervently apologise to a male in a situation where she wouldn't to a female and with her boyfriends she seems on edge almost like she expects them to act like her father

They are like mice as they are scared of him flipping out and shouting

I fully intend to leave now as I can't put my kids through this any longer it just wasn't financially possible until now.

I know if I actually ask him to move out he will do so as he has another property but he will most likely threaten to kill himself or majorly guilt trip me so I'm preparing for this emotionally

OP posts:

Littlechickenleg · 24/12/2017 23:46

Watching this as I'm in a very similar situation. When he's nice I feel awful, as if I'm making it all up and he's the innocent one.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 24/12/2017 23:47

From what you have said, yes you are correct and you need to get out. BUT... Please seek support before you do this as it is, as you’ve said, likely he will manipulate you should you call it a day.
You need to know the best way to deal with this both mentally and financially. Please contact women’s aid, they are great and really warm and friendly. There nothing to fear from them xxxx

Ginpasta · 24/12/2017 23:48

For the sake of yourself and your kids you need to leave. You already know this. It will be hard but you can't live with a man that treats you or kids like this. Good luck!

Maelstrop · 24/12/2017 23:51

Are they his children?

You need to get out of the situation. Whose house is it? Please remove him from the situation if possible, he is ruining your life and that of your dds. What an absolute nutter he sounds.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 24/12/2017 23:58

You have no option really but to go. Awful way to live and if he threatens to kill himself, well, he's a grown man and his choice. I don't say that flippantly, it would not be your fault. He is reaping what he's sown.

Indigokitten · 27/12/2017 22:35

I’ve had a huge catch up on MN tonight, and your post really resonated with me. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I left my hugely EA and PA ‘partner/ fiancé ‘ many years ago, mainly as I wouldn’t accept my child growing up, thinking that his behaviour was normal. If you are able to get out of this relationship, please do so, as soon as possible. Seek advice as PP’s have said. Sending you 🤗

Fishface77 · 27/12/2017 22:40

Tell him to leave.
He's a piece of shit.

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2017 22:51

Is he the father of your 19yo dd1. He has no right to tell her not to go out. She's an adult.

impossible · 27/12/2017 23:25

You are describing abuse of yourself and dcs.

You need to get out but get advice before you make a move. He won't take it easily so you and dcs need to be supported and in a safe place.

You will also be giving a strong message to your dcs that his behaviour is unacceptable and that bad situations can be challenged.

impossible · 27/12/2017 23:25

Good luck.

Spangles1963 · 28/12/2017 19:33

He sounds awful OP. Please don't let him emotionally blackmail you by threatening suicide. Anyone who does this is really not worth it,as I discovered,years ago. It's all talk,designed to make you feel guilty and force you into staying with them.

frieda909 · 28/12/2017 20:14

It doesn’t matter a jot if he’s nice some of the time. Most abusers are lovely sometimes because if they weren’t, then it would be ten times easier to leave them. If he’s abusing even a fraction of the time then that is not good enough.

Making you doubt yourself and feel like you’re overreacting is all part of the abusive package, I’m afraid.

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 22:56

He is abusing you and your children. You need to leave him ASAP. If you can't do it for you, do it for them. You need to put them first.

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2017 23:19

You need to get out for all your sakes, you aren't responsible for his actions

brizzledrizzle · 28/12/2017 23:21

He's abusive to all of you.

Haffiana · 28/12/2017 23:30

Why on earth does his threatening to kill himself fill you with anxiety? He is an adult, and that is one of the choices he is entitled to make, rather like choosing to be an abusive cunt is. It isn't you choosing it, is it?

If you know that he is just saying it to guilt trip you, then it isn't a real threat anyway.

Lalliella · 28/12/2017 23:48

This is definitely EA OP. You should get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. Otherwise lifelong damage could be done to your DDs. Please throw him out.

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