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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that I think his ex is being unreasonable?

22 replies

newgf · 23/04/2007 14:08

Name change for this one!

I have been seeing a wonderful new man for around 6 weeks. He has met my 2 young DDs and they like him a lot (I have them FT). We have told each other we love each other and all is going sooo well.

BUT

He has his young daughter every other weekend and whenever else work allows him to. His ex wife is refusing to let him introduce his DD (same age as my youngest) to me and my DDs. We are both very keen for our girls to meet and obviously are going to take it slowly and gradually. DP has explained this to his exW, but whenever he mentions it she threatens to stop all contact between him and his DD.

AIBU to think that she should trust the father of her child's judgement on this?

OP posts:

Mum07 · 23/04/2007 14:16

She prob is a total witch who's jealous to death that he's moving on BUT remember you're in that wonderful stage of the relationship where you only see how marvellous he is and it's impossible for you to be objective about their problems.

Have they been apart long? I always think that men move on more quickly than women following a long-term relationship, it might be that she thinks he's not as serious as he is and she doesn't their daughter forming attachments to people who may not be around long... not that you won't be she might be hoping you won't?

marieg76 · 23/04/2007 14:16

Hi newgf - whilst I understand how excited you and your new man must be at how well the relationship is going, perhaps 6 weeks is too soon for the kids to be introduced to each other? It may be that his ex is simply safeguarding her daughter's mental well-being and ensuring that she doesn't get confused.

HAving said that, I've never been in this situation so please feel free to tell me to naff off! Good luck with it all.

serenity · 23/04/2007 14:20

Absolutely honestly? the six weeks might feel like a long time to you, but it sounds like a very short amount of time to me (and maybe other people outside of the relationship) How are you being introduced? As a friend of daddy, or as his girlfriend? Maybe she feels she's trying to protect her DD? I can see where she's coming from, but I do think she's being unfair to threaten to stop contact.

beansprout · 23/04/2007 14:22

6 weeks is not long. I waited months to meet my step-daughter. She is not being unreasonable - she wants to protect her children by not having them introduced to people that may not stick around. You'll meet them soon enough, just enjoy your bloke in the meantime!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 23/04/2007 14:27

how long have they been separated? has he had other relationships before you? IMO six weeks isn't very long and being together for six weeks is by no means an indication of a potentially serious relationship. I would give it much longer - six months at least. is it possible that he's introduced his dd to previous girlfriends and they haven't stayed on the scene hence the ex's reluctance?

Mumpbump · 23/04/2007 14:30

I first met dh's children 4 months after we met at which point I insisted in being introduced as a friend. We told them we were in a relationship 8 months after that. It was at my insistence as I didn't like the idea that the children might be exposed to a series of girlfriends. But I was the first girlfriend after his divorce anyway...

NKF · 23/04/2007 14:31

I'd say that six weeks is no time at all. It doesn't sound like "slowly and gradually" to me and probably doesn't to her either. Sorry, not what you wanted to hear. But six weeks is such a short period of time.

mrcandmre · 23/04/2007 14:35

At the end of the day, she is probably alone, and still not over him(or at least their relationship).
It sounds like she has no one on the scene herself, so she's probably a bit hurt that he's found you.

I'd give it time. She will come round to the idea.
You both have kids and they're your life, so at some point both parties will have to meet.

Don't worry too much and bide your time.
Enjoy what you have at the moment
I know it's difficult as you're probably sooo loved up, but it'll be worth it if it's meant to be.

EllieKthePA · 23/04/2007 14:38

my last relationship was with a man who has children from a previous marriage. we waited about 4 weeks before he met my ds who lives with me ft, and much longer before i met his dc's that visit him once a fortnight.

i think she's just trying to protect her children

Original poster

newgf · 23/04/2007 14:42

Thanks all for your insights, I have been trying to take in her POV, which I can up to a point. I think that I just assumed that most people would have the same thought that I did, which was that if my exH wanted to introduce my DDs to someone, they must be very special to him, and I would trust his judgement.

To answer a couple of questions, AFAIK I am the first girlfriend since they split, which was around 9-10 months ago, definitely the first one he has mentioned to exW anyway.

Definitely enjoying it anyway

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 23/04/2007 14:47

I think I'd want to wait for a while if I were in her shoes, too. I would want to wait until I knew that your relationship was a serious one and that the children wouldn't be spending time getting emotionally involved with you, only for you to move on and hurt them.

She's being a bit OTT threatening to stop all contact, but I think she's doing the right thing by her daughters. Sorry.

Paddlechick666 · 23/04/2007 14:54

i didn't meet my dh's kids for around 3 months and when i did it was quite a brief meeting and their mum was there too.

after that we planned a day out as a treat all together to chessington. we gave the kids some leaflets and a map and their mum helped them choose what things they wanted to see and do while we were there.

i think it's really important that the mum is on side in order for you to have a successful relationship with your potential step-child.

6 weeks is a very short space of time and i hope her reluctance is just her being wise and protecting her child.

it's really not been long since they split and it will be a big event for the child to meet a new girlf.

hth and that you guys all have a successful healthy relationship.

agnesnitt · 23/04/2007 15:55

From the point of view as the mother of a child, there's no way I would let my daughter meet either the woman he is seeing or her spawn. No offence to you, but my priority is to my daughter, not her father. Maybe this woman feels the same?

As I said, no offence to you, your circumstances are probably vastly different to my own, but I can utterly see the reasoning of the mother on this one. As far as she knows you could just be a casual fling, a psychotic nutter or somebody with morals and childrearing capabilities she doesn't approve of. You'll just have to wait it out I'm afraid.

Agnes

chocolattegirl · 23/04/2007 16:08

I'd say that 6 weeks is quick to be introducing children to each other. My DP met my daughter (v briefly) about two months after we started dating and we went out for a day together about 2 months after that. We've had about 3-4 days out altogether in about 10 months even though we're just as serious as you might want to be . I've never told my dd that he is my 'bf' (it sounds a trifle absurd to say I have a bf at the age of 35!!) but she has worked it out for herself that we're in a relationship. She informed me that if we got married then she'd be my bridesmaid . DP hasn't got children so our situation isn't quite the same but if it was I wouldn't expect to meet his children or mix ours together when we're still getting to know each other.

lucyellensmum · 23/04/2007 16:10

6 weeks is too soon, for everyone concerned, tbh i think you are rushing things, your children also should not be introduced to this man apart from as mummy's friend. Such an impressionable age. His ex is absolutely not being unreasonable, she probably feels her little girl has been through enough with the split, who ever was at fault.

sunnysideup · 23/04/2007 16:21

yes, if I were her I would want to make sure the kids were only being introduced to long term partners - which six weeks isn't!

So I do understand where she's coming from.

And I'm sure for the kids it will be easier if for some time their dad can mention you, talk about you, tell them about you as time goes on; not all the time or in a pressured way, just mentioning you as someone in his life...then when they meet you they will have a clear idea of who you are etc.

MrsWho · 23/04/2007 19:25

My xh gf met my kids after about 3 months (he only nmentioned her to me about 2 weeks earlier though so I then went mad about him introducing them so early ) He also didn't tell me it was going to happen which wasn't a good way to do it as dd1 thought it was a secret and got upset.
Everything has to be open and very slow with kids involved.
I actually get on better with my xh gf than I do with him now and she is very sensible about the whole thing.

sheepgomeep · 23/04/2007 20:47

I didn't let exp gf meet my kids until a year down the line. I didn't trust her, she was an immature 16 year old.

Also she split us up (he was 27 at the time) and there was no way I was going to let them both play happy bloody families to my already screwed up kids.

I had a couple of flings myself but I kept them apart from my kids, they never even knew I was seeing people, it didn't feel right anyway and I wanted to protect my kids form all that.

Until I met dp and he met the kids about two weeks after we got together (i'd known him for a while before anyway) as it felt right.

But I never met his kids until a couple of months later, his were only 2 and 3 and I knew his ex was wary of me because of his last gf and I completely understood. As it is now we all get on reasonably well, and its really nice.

I just think 6 weeks is a little too soon for you to meet his kids and no she isn't being unreasonable. She's also probably hurt, sad and jealous that he's moved on, and she just wants to protect thier children. Give her time

zookeeper · 23/04/2007 20:53

6 weeks is too soon - glad it's all going well but can you love someone after 6 weeks? Slow down!

mistressmiggins · 23/04/2007 21:01

6 weeks is very soon so I can understand his exW

my ex left & went back to his mistress - he wanted to play happy families str away but Im afraid I made him wait as the children needed time to adjust to daddy not living with us.

I have been with someone for 9 months now & my 2 have only met him in the last couple of months because I wanted to be absolutely sure I felt long term about him.

Do you not think that 6 weeks is a little soon to start playing happy families from your DDs POV?
While I accept if you ahve them FT, its hard, but it is possible - I did it for 6 months

be patient with your P exW & give her the time she needs

Nightynight · 23/04/2007 21:47

she should trust his judgement on this, unless he has a history of a new relationship every few weeks, imo.

I agree it would be tactless to start playing happy families, but it neednt be like that. my children are very cool about their fathers girlfriends, I dont think its ever occurred to them that these strange women might be related to them.

Twiglett · 23/04/2007 21:50

yes you're being unreasonable as you've only be seeing him for 6 weeks .. that isn't a relationship its a first flush and the mother is protecting her children

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