To not shout at my toddler

[Mammylamb]

My mum told me that I am not strict enough with my 2 year old and that I need to shout at him for him to obey me. I honestly can't see why shouting at him is going to make him behave. I would shout at him if he went to do something dangerous (ie hand on the cooker, hitting the dog, that sort of thing)

Background is that yesterday my son started going into her cupboard which contains crockery. As I could reach him I shouted over for him to shut the door and come to me. He shut the door and started toddling over. In the meantime my mum pushed past me and started full on yelling at him. He started crying, so I picked him up and told her to stop shouting. Every time I discipline him; my mother feels like she needs to join in. Or she will actually start shouting at him before I get a chance to speak. I prefer to bend to his eye level, get eye contact and then speak (not shout) to him, but when I go to do this she starts telling me not to as she has already told him off.

Generally I get on really well with my mum, but I really think she is undermining me here. Am I being unreasonable?

Ps the reason I am so against shouting (unless necessary) is that growing up it was my parents default way of communicating with us. It made me anxious as a child, and I personally think that in many occasions when an adult shouts at a child it's because the adult has lost control rather than the child being badly behaved

YANBU. Tell her you don't need her to reprimand him when you are there.

She sounds harsh - and punitive.

It’s one thing to shout when a child is totally ignoring you, but you said yourself your son had already obeyed your command to shut the crockery door.

YANBU. You sound like a lovely parent and the way you communicate with your child is far better.

My mum probably sounds like a horrible person from this but she really isn't. She does adore my son and he adores her. But her default setting is loud, and when she shouts it's bloody loud! But I just feel like she doesn't respect that I'm the parent here; I'm the one responsible for my son. Not her

YANBU-shouting is very unreasonable. I will confess that I do it sonetimes but only when the children are in immediate danger or I am just beyond parenting properly after a long day. There is absolutely no reasonable n to shout

OP, you know YANBU - YABU even to ask!

You do not have to justify your stance on shouting - or indeed anything else. Your child, your rules - just tell her.

Yanbu

It sounds like you’re method is working, as he obeyed you.

I also don’t like shouting at my son; I would be really pissed off if anyone else did

*your

Ffs

Well she certainly sounds unreasonable but I'm pretty sure if your son responded immediately to your polite requests she wouldn't be shouting about it afterwards for no reason. Did your toddler shut the door and walk away immediately for eg or did you ask 4/5 times and sit there until he was good and ready to come away with your mum was imagining the plates coming crashing down on him?
I'm not a fan of shouting myself but in the situation you describe a bit of urgency and physically getting up and moving him away yourself might have been an idea.
Of course it's possible that your son does respond immediately to your requests and your mum is then unnecessarily shouting them again but if I was you I'd try and have an honest look at what's going on and try and see it from your mums perspective.

YANBU

I personally think that in many occasions when an adult shouts at a child it's because the adult has lost control rather than the child being badly behaved

I agree with this. I shouted the other day as my car broke down and my DD was fussing and immediately felt awful as it was me that lost control of my emotions rather than my daughter's actions.

I think your current approach is fine.

One thing I respect about my mum is the way she has stayed up to date on parenting ideas and admits some of the things she did when we were children were wrong. She used to spank us but she says she gets as good results discipline wise with a stern look and sounding very serious in what she says. Plus it is much better for the relationship she has with the grand kids.
I'm not sure how you can get your mum to change as its hard to do. But don't let her undermine your self confidence. You need that to be a good mum. At the same time be willing to learn new things yourself and keep an open mind so you can become a good grandma one day.

I do shout occasionally, but it's very much the nuclear option (for emergencies, or doing something dangerous having been previously told not to) and because it's held in reserve it tends to get results... whilst I think maybe thirty years or so ago the nuclear option was smacking...

I have a don’t mess tone of voice. It means I don’t have to shout for my 18 month old nephew to stop whatever defiant thing he’s doing immediately. He even froze as he was opening the remote control and then gave it to me no questions asked.

Some people have that tone of voice, others don’t. If you don’t you have got to do what it takes to ensure your child isn’t doing something dangerous. You don’t want your mum shouting at your kid for opening a cupboard full of crockery? Fine. But don’t shout at her when he ends up hospitilized for doing something else as preventible because u prevented her from shouting at him.

yesterday my son started going into her cupboard which contains crockery. As I could reach him I shouted over for him to shut the door and come to me

so you did shout?

OP the problem here isn’t the fact that your mum is undermining you! It is that she is shouting at your poor 2 year old!

Tell her she's scaring him & you don't think its necessary to shout at him. Just be honest & tell her that you're happy doing the disciplining.
She sounds like an authoritarian & you sound like you have a more respectful & gentle approach. I know who I'd want to be my mum x

Raving. He stopped straight away and toddled over to me. He was away from the cupboard with the door shut when she started shouting.

Fire. I did shout. But not agressively; more to make myself heard over the din my mum and husband were making.

She didn't actually know why I was shouting over at him; she thought he was ignoring me. She is hard of hearing and sometimes doesn't know what is happening; so makes her own assumptions and jumps in!

Corbyn. He shut the door straight away. He wasn't asked 4 or 5 times to do it. I would have swooped him up on the second request

It seems unlikely to me that your mum would be joining in if your child was following your instructions? Why would she do that? And why would she think you need to shout for him to obey you if he’s obeying you anyway? Either your mum is unhinged or you are one of those parents that passively requests that their child stop wrecking people’s houses whilst actively doing nothing to stop it.

Corbyn. I can only assume that as she is hard of hearing she misunderstood what I was telling him to do. My husband was standing there shocked that she was shouting and also told my mum that our son had come away from the cupboard and was doing as he was told. I am not one of those parents who let their children run wild. But with the best parenting in the world, 2 year olds are going to be curious ! She does this in my house too; so it isn't just something she does in her own house

She is hard of hearing and sometimes doesn't know what is happening; so makes her own assumptions and jumps in!

That is rather a large detail, OP!

Does she know that she’s shouting?

She does!! To be fair her default setting is loud. But in this case she knew she was shouting. She told me that I should also shout at him as I am too soft with him.