to dread the "uneven" present giving every year!

[georgiejinglebells]

DH is one of 3 siblings. His DB is reasonably "well off" and gives us all modest gifts, roughly the same as we gift his family. He has 3 DC, so when we gift around £10-15 a person it is still £50 for his family alone.

DH's sister isn't so "well off" but over gifts every year. She has 2 DCs. We are also not so well off, and due to our landlord selling, we are moving in the new year, the new house has no cooker or white goods, plus we will need to arrange moving vans etc. so this year we are tighte than ever.

Last year we suggested only gifting for the children, both his siblings agreed, but both ended up buying us "token gifts", the brother was just some chocs, but sister again elaborate gifts.

This year we aren't seeing them on christmas day so left our gifts for sisters family when we visited last. We bought modest "token" gifts for sister and her husband and spend £10 on each child.

She has tonight passed on our gifts through DH's brother and they are huge. We each have 3 gifts (me and DH) and both our DCs have 3 enormous,heavy gifts.

AIBU to find this awkward every year? She wants to open her gifts from us when we see them after christmas but I cringe thinking about watching them open hours given the difference.

I know I am being a little unreasonable that if she wants to gift us at christmas she can but we cannot possibly match it without going into debt . I know she can't really afford it either as she has had some financial troubles and I think most of this went on credit card so I also feel guilty aswell as embarassed.

You don't need to match the value on gifts. Get that out of your head! The way I see it people spend what they can and want to spend and there doesn't need to be any correlation between their income and gift value. Let people treat you and let them enjoy doing so.

I feel your pain. My DBIL is like this. And it's not just gifts, we holidayed together last year. We were in two cars and when stopping for fuel we bought a big pack of chocolate bars. We took one each for our car and gave the rest to DBILs car. Next fuel stop he suddenly appears with bags of chocolates and sweets for us. It's just a constant competition for him to be more generous.
The best method we've found is just to do what we want and leave him to have his little competition on his own.

Do you think she does it to embarrass you or to keep up appearances, or just because she wants to?

Assuming the later, try to think of the present-giving as a pleasure for her. I know I enjoy watching people open their presents from me much more than I enjoy opening my own presents. So it's really a gift to me as well as to them.

I think YA a bit U
I love giving gifts, and frequently buy my sisters something they will not be able to match in value as I earn significantly more.
I don't expect them to match but I will see something I know they will like and would not otherwise afford, they are happy with the gift and I am always happy with what they give me.

I don't think she does it deliberatley to embarass or show anyone up and I do understand perhaps she just likes the gifting but I'm finding it increasingly uncomfortable.

It obviously wont be completely equal everytime but it is a bit embarassing when she splurges on elaborate gifts and we give her a token or small gesture.

I know income doesn't matter too much but it would feel different I suppose if she was loaded as a "small" gift may be different to her, but knowing she is also struggling it makes me feel more uncomfortable.

This is awkward, maybe next year suggest a limit? I am not being rude but I find some lower income people whom I know personally try harder to show they are ok financially to people, and yes gifting expensive gifts is a way to buy 'face'. The really wealthy ones I know are tight with presents because they don't need to impres anyone.

We have exactly this with my SIL. I am not exaggerating when I say we have one of those giant gift bags, bin bag style, EACH from her.

This happens every year. I just don’t compete. None of us are particularly poor but not drowning in spare cash either. There are five of us and three of them. It really does make me uncomfortable every single time. Birthdays are the same.

We buy them one or two gifts pp totalling £20-£30 each. We get a sackful each back which she claims is all under that total but there’s honestly no way it can be. For my birthday last week I got three tops, a pair of pyjamas, a Ted Baker gift set, several ornaments, a lamp, some books and a candle. It’s embarassing, but after 11 years I’ve learned that she just loves to give and goes a bit bonkers with it.

I don’t know what the answer is.

I love giving gifts, and frequently buy my sisters something they will not be able to match in value as I earn significantly more.

But OP has said that her SIL is not well off, and suspects she's using s credit card to pay for the gifts.
I expect OP doesn't want to feel that SIL is getting into debt to give these presents. I know it would make me feel uncomfortable, and slightly guilty, to receive these gifts.

Thanks everyone. Yes it shouldn't matter what we all earn/spend but relatively it does make a difference as if they were very wealthy a "token" would probably be on a different scale to ours and I wouldn't feel too guilty knowing that it wouldn't make a huge dent in their finances.

However I know they are struggling, a week or so ago they took a pay day loan out for some work to be done to the car (it was a reasonable amount under £200) so I feel uncomfortable that they have spent so much on christmas presents.

We do put a limit every year, year before last we said lets not to adults (only we ended up sticking to it - a bit embarassing come Xmas day), and this year we said lets just do a small token. I budgeted £10 for each of the siblings and their DH/DWs.

I understand some like giving but I always try to roughly match for who we buy for, i.e. an aquintance who would normally give chocs, I'd buy a box of biscuits/small bottle of wine, I wouldn't turn up with a huge hamper because I'd know that would make them uncomfortable.

Next year agree children only again, and email everyone at the end of november remindng no adult gifts. if she buys for you hand it straight back and say no, we agreed no adult presents.

I’m like your sil but to be honest I love gift giving & so my siblings have just accepted it as a quirk. I don’t expect equal value gifts and I’m sure your sil doesn’t either. Just relax and enjoy christmas

In our family we have a strict limit of what you spend on each person, would they consider that?

I’m like your sil but to be honest I love gift giving & so my siblings have just accepted it as a quirk.

But do you get into debt buying them? If not, it's not the same thing.

I’m like your sil but to be honest I love gift giving & so my siblings have just accepted it as a quirk. I don’t expect equal value gifts and I’m sure your sil doesn’t either. Just relax and enjoy christmas

I really don't understand this attitude. Surely the joy in giving is in making someone else happy? By giving significantly more than the other person gives you just makes them feel awkward and embarrassed.
It sort of makes gift giving all about you and your enjoyment in buying and giving, rather than the happiness of the other person.