To think being too strict can harm a child's development ?

[darkcandlelight]

Obviously not suggesting that we don't discipline them at all. But aibu to think that if you're too strict it stifles a child's freedom but also sense of identity and who they are ?

Yeah of course.

I don’t know, I think clear boundaries, strict rules and values make the child more secure therefore more confident and happier. They need to feel like the adult is in charge and knows what they are doing in order to develop and be a child.

I don’t know, I think clear boundaries, strict rules and values make the child more secure therefore more confident and happier. They need to feel like the adult is in charge and knows what they are doing in order to develop and be a child.

Completely depends what you mean by 'too' strict. What sort of thing are you thinking about?

For example, I think that requiring my kids to clear the table, put clothes in their laundry baskets, do music practice each day without whining etc are pretty normal and standard. Others might say this is too strict.

Bring too lenient can also hinder a child’s development. Too much of anything is bad.

I don't know really. I was quite frightened of my parents growing up and I don't think that was normal.

Most of us grow up ok, despite how our parents raise us.

Yep. I wasn't allowed to do anything. I'm now scared of my own fucking shadow.

I agree OP. Strict boundaries are good and needed in my view. But, with my mother, having our own thoughts and opinions (when they didn't align with hers!) were seen as a major infraction and treated as such. Discipline was applied in a 'prevention is better than the cure' manner so it all felt extremely oppressive.

Growing up there was one way I was allowed to do things - my parents' way. I soon learnt not to make any decisions myself or to to form any opinions of my own that weren't the same as my parents.

I'm now in my 40s. It's taken me years to work out it's ok to have opinions of my own or to "stand up" to authority figures. So yes, being too strict has had a huge impact on me.

You need to explain what you mean, really.

I was once shouted at in an incident that led to me being horsewhipped and sent to bed without dinner, then ignored by my father for 2 days.
The thing I'd done wrong to spark it was write an envelope with the address not correctly started 1/3 down and 1/3 in.
FWIW: my dad had MH issues.

I would say he was possibly a little strict over envelope etiquette

Depends what you mean.

I think it's really important for children's 'no' to be heard when it comes to touch/deciding what to do eat/ do etc as it will teach them good boundaries in later life. But there is no good which comes from indulging a child. It's a balance!

What's too strict? Many children in countries in Africa and Asia are probably raised in a way many British parents consider too strict. They aren't all emotionally stunted/maladjusted, whatever.

too strict or too indulgent both harm children. generally people grow up ok regardless of their parenting and most parents try their best.

I can think of a few ways being too strict can be harmful to kids.

It sends a message that they can't be trusted, their judgement isn't trustworthy, they lack capacity to learn or recover from bad experiences. Or that they aren't tough enough to solve problems and need to be ultra-protected. Undermines resilience.

Anecdotally, among the kids I know (my parents generation, my generation, and DC & their friends), the ones raised by strict parents are the most likely to go wild when given freedom & take too many risks. The ones raised with grades of freedom & encouraged (or even expected) to take age-appropriate risks, are more thoughtful & less reckless (as a group, individuals may vary!).

Fearing your parents is not good for self-esteem. :(

Ellisandra, sorry you had to go through that.

I personally think there’s a fine line between ‘strict’ and abuse. I always thought the way my DF handled me was ‘strict’ but actually it was emotional abuse. However, it swings the other way too. Too lenient also can be emotional abuse and neglect.

I think boundaries are good, realistic expectations are good, discipline is good but changeable in tactics depending on the child. For instance my DD responds better to reward than punishment. Respect is key but that works both ways. I ask for respect in turn to the respect that I give.

Strict is good. Fear not good.

Pinky, I think that too. Some parents are EA under the guise of discipline. Far too stric and damaging to self esteem.

Boundaries are good, living in fear not so.

Look up the difference between authoritative and authoritarian.