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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt that best friend keeps cancelling on me?

15 replies

GarysElephant · 24/12/2017 12:34

My best friend of around 12 years had her first baby 2.5 months ago. I have 1 DS who is 2, and we are the only two in our group of friends who have DC so far.
I have met her DS twice, she lives around a 20 min drive away. Whenever we have plans to meet nearly always she cancels on me last minute, stating “a cold” or “DS didn’t settle last night”. It’s getting to be every time we have something planned I almost know for certain it won’t happen, even though the plans are literally only us going to their home for an hour or her to ours. We were supposed to be meeting up at her home last week to exchange Christmas presents for DC and she cancelled and said they would come to our home today instead. Low and behold, an hour before they’re due to arrive she cancels again as she is tired. She always apologised profusely and sends a very long winded “you’re going to hate me” text.
Now I 100% completely understand first hand how tiring and draining it is having a new baby (much as it is having a 2yo!) but I feel that if you cancelled plans every time you were tired because of your DC you’d never leave the house until they moved out!

We have been through some tough times together in the past and are very close, but I do feel that she is doing lots of things with her DPs friends and family but not a lot with her own. I am upset I have only met her baby twice, and I feel like she’s treating me more like an acquaintance who she must be at her best for rather than her best friend. I literally wouldn’t care if I went round and she was there in her pj’s, no make up, half asleep, I want to be there for her if she’s struggling but she won’t let me.

I replied to her cancelling text today telling her how disappointed I am and that I’m upset ive not seen much of her and DS, but that I understood but felt like tiredness is part and parcel of parenthood, wished her a merry Christmas and said I hoped to see her soon.

I am the kind of person who will only cancel on plans as a very last resort- extreme illness etc, especially if they’re plans with dear friends that have been made for a while. She is somewhat dramatic and has always had a tendency to be a little flakey I suppose, but I’m now wondering whether I should be taking it personally, or if there is something else going on. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 13:02

yabu. She has a ten week old baby and for whatever reason, you are not a priority. Nor should you be. Maybe she's depressed, maybe she's not coping, maybe she's fine but just want to spend time with you/anyone. It's up to her.

How you react is up to you. You can flounce and get mad at her, or ask if she needs help, or leave her be. Personally I would message asking if everything was ok and then give the space she is clearly looking for.

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 13:03

*doesn't want to spend time

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/12/2017 13:03

Christ, give her a break. Her baby is ten weeks old. YABU.

DearMrDilkington · 24/12/2017 13:04

Yabvu

Situp · 24/12/2017 13:04

She may be feeling completely overwhelmed or depressed. It is a different experience for everyone. I know you may be frustrated and hurt, but the best way to support her is to keep that door open.

Kochicoo · 24/12/2017 13:07

At 10 weeks, some people have a baby who does sleep a bit, some people feel like they've been in the spin cycle in a washing machine. Just cause you might have been able to get out and about at that stage, doesn't mean she feels able to. On the bright side, she does want to see you if she keeps making plans, she just can't make it. Just be supportive.

MatildaTheCat · 24/12/2017 13:08

Just keep lines of communication open and she will be back. Maybe send her a text or call to ask if she is ok and if you can help at all? Making her feel guilty by expressing your disappointment won’t be helpful although I do understand how this makes you feel.

Can you talk to her partner and ask if she is ok and maybe you could, with his help drop by for a cuppa and a chat soon.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 24/12/2017 13:13

Sorry but I think yabu. Her baby is still so very young and there could be any number of reasons that you’re not her priority. To be honest I think if I was her and received a text from you telling me you were disappointed it would make me want to keep you at arms length as I would feel an immense pressure on meeting.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 24/12/2017 13:17

Yabu

Original poster

GarysElephant · 24/12/2017 13:22

Okay fair enough maybe I am BU to be hurt that she’s cancelling or to take it personally. Of course I do understand how life changing it is, I had a very traumatic pregnancy and labour myself and wasn’t in the greatest of places in the first few months. But I always felt that I could rely on my best friends (as I always had been able to do before) so it’s more that I feel like she’s shutting me out a little- but I know people are different. It’s not that I think I should be her priority, not at all. It’s more the fact that if she’s struggling I’m sad she can’t/doesn’t want to talk to me about it, or let me help out with the baby if she needs it.

I of course will be there for her whenever she needs it and have let her know that several times.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 24/12/2017 13:31

bloody hell. SHes only just had a baby. Give her a break.

Branleuse · 24/12/2017 13:32

I would have been so devastated if someone had criticised me for my unreliability at this stage of parenting. You dont know how she might be feeling

Original poster

GarysElephant · 24/12/2017 13:40

I haven’t criticised her reliability. I’m not upset at the fact plans are cancelled as such. She isn’t just a mate she’s my best friend and we’ve always been there for each other for 12 years, so the fact that at this very important time I’m not involved is a bit new to me. And of course I know she’s just had a baby, that’s why I want to be there for her and help her out as a new mother. I’m saddened at the fact she feels she can’t do that atm.

However I appreciate your responses and understand I was taking it too personally and have text her again to apologise and admit my response was unfair.

OP posts:

BenLui · 24/12/2017 14:06

Without being harsh or rude, how is your two year olds behaviour?

Even the best two year old visitors are a lot of work. Could it be be she just can’t cope with that on top of the new baby?

Perhaps arrange a meet up that’s just you? See if that makes a difference?

(I’m sure your toddler is adorable)

Aeroflotgirl · 24/12/2017 14:23

Just let her know your there, and give her space and time to settle down. My friend not best friend, did this to me recently, as I kept cancelling, no childcare, or ds unwell. I have 2 children, one 10 and tge other nearly 6. My dd 10 has ASD and learning difficulties. Life can be hectic. We have no family near who coukd look after the kids, unlike her, who have both sets of parents and who are fairly young and fit (in their 60s. She just gave me a piece of her mind when I had to cancel because ds had a stomach bug. Tgat is not what I needed when I was tired and had been up all night. That was it from us. I told her there was no point in continuing.

The friendship was limping along anyway. That was the final nail in the coffin anyway. I don't miss her, I felt she only came to me when she had nobody else, and she was not sincere. I hope that it would fizzle out eventually.

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