AIBU regarding this gift

[Bluebirdbook]

I’m seeing a guy very casually. We know each other about 3 months and have been on about 4 dates. We live about 3 hours a part so have sometimes met when I’m in his city. It started off as something fun. I explained I’m not looking for a relationship, especially not a long-distance one. The last time we met he mentioned Christmas gifts and I specifically asked him to not buy me anything. I explained I’m not comfortable accepting gifts from people I don’t know well and it would make me feel very uncomfortable if he bought me something.

In the meantime he started to get a bit intense. If he text me and I didn’t see my phone he’d text me another two or three times and ring me if I still didn’t text back. I suffer from anxiety and this made me feel really anxious. I had to be honest with him and explain it made me uncomfortable and he backed off a bit.

Anyway I’m back in his city for Christmas and last night he asked me to go for a drink and that he had a gift for me. I couldn’t go for a drink as I was meeting friends. I was upset that he bought me something though when I specifically asked him not too and told him this. I said I was aware I probably sounded ungrateful and rude, but that wasn’t my intention. He kept on saying he was doing a nice thing for a friend and that he had listened to me but knew I’d like the gift so bought it anyway. I felt really guilty but still annoyed that he hadn’t respected my wishes. Eventually he wore me down and I agreed to accept it. I think im posting here because I’m still really uncomfortable about it and it’s making me feel anxious and I wanted opinions about whether I am being unresasonable.

Dump him. You can’t be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel this anxious

It ain’t going anywhere

You sound intense but not unreasonable. I can understand he might not have taken your no preesnt thing at face value at first. He might have thought you were just being polite and secretly wanted a surprise but he should have backed off when you told him a second time that you really didn't want it. He isn't listening to you or respecting your choices.

I would send one final text saying you are uncomfortable with the whole situation and you won't be contacting him or seeing him again. Then block him.

Are you having sex? If so he probably thinks it’s odd you refer to him as someone you don’t know well enough to accept gifts from tbh.

If you aren’t enjoying his relationship and he makes you feel nervous, dump him.

You may have asked him not to buy you a gift but you can't control what he decides to do.

That's not unreasonable.

If you're feeling anxious however, don't accept said gift and dump him. At least then he can give it to someone else of return it and you will be free from your anxiety involving him.

Good luck.

Thanks for your messages. I’m aware I am a bit intense and my reaction was a bit over the top. I have been working on my anxiety but sometimes it spirals out of control and not and I haven’t been great this week anyway so that doesn’t help.

Thanks again for the advice.

Dump him. He obviously thinks he knows your mind better than you do.

Also, regarding the texts, he might have backed off a bit, but I bet that won't last.

Don't meet him, send him a text (don't ring, or he could wear you down again) saying that it's not working for you. Then block his number.

You need to decide if you want this guy I your life...

Honestly, if the relationship is stressing you out at 3 months, that would be a really good sign that it's not going to work out. I would let him go.

It doesn't matter if you're "intense" or not, OP. (You don't sound intense to me, btw.)

The fact is that you stated very clearly what you wanted and you didn't want, and he ignored it.

No, he's not being "nice" - he's being fucking manipulative, and your discomfort is not your so-called intensity; it is your response to being manipulated, and it's serving you well, imo.

I would totally ignore him. You have no obligation to be nice in order to please someone. For him, I fear, it will simply be a green light to violate your boundaries again. Be a bad-ass instead :)

@AFistfulOfDolores, thanks that made me feel better and less crazy!

@Bluebirdbook - I grew up being told I was "intense" and after a while I began to believe this was a Very Bad Thing.

I realised it was usually thrown at me by my mother when I wasn't behaving the way she wanted me to; and then by men when they felt the same.

It can be a subtle and not-so-subtle form of undermining - which did nothing to lighten me up, and, in fact, did the opposite!

I learned to let my guard down when I began to choose people and relationships where my guard didn't need to be up, if you see what I mean :)

My 2c fwiw

I also don't think you're being "intense". You set out your boundaries (which were perfectly reasonable ones imo), you've only been on 4 dates, yet he's already pushing those boundaries.
If you give in to them, he'll have a green light to ignore any other boundaries you try to put up.

Just end it.

I was the poster who used the work intense and I am sorry it has offended people. I meant it in the context of feeling deeply and taking things seriously. It wasn't intended as a criticism but as a description of someone who does not say or take things lightly but I can to see how it could interpreted as a negative. Sorry OP I did not mean it that way.

Oh don’t worry loonoonow. I do take things very seriously, too seriously at times, so you’re not wrong there. Thanks all again, you’ve been very helpful.

Just tell him. Tell him you aren't ready to be in a relationship, and that this feels too relationship y for you.

To be honest, lots of people really enjoy giving gifts, if they see something that really suits someone.

Loonoonow - I agree: "intense" isn't always negative. It can simply be a descriptor, and I'm sorry for being a bit intense about it, really :)

Hey OP

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the idea that when you say 'please don't get me something', you mean what you say and it's not because you're being polite or trying not to make someone go out of their way?

And if someone chooses to ignore that, like this man in this case, they've crossed a boundary you've set. Which you've been pretty clear about?
The fact that he's done it (although it is a nice thing to do) ultimately what you see is that he's ignored your request.

Does it sort of make you feel a bit 'woah' and suffocated? Like you need to take a step back?

I don't think you are being intense. I think you set a boundary for yourself and what you're comfortable with and someone has ignored even though they probably thought they were doing a nice thing.

I get it.

I got given a present when number 1. I wasn't expecting it and 2. I specifically asked them not to.

It's been a few days and I cannot understand why they ignored me and the relationship feels a bit much now. In fact I'd happily not see that person again even though I like them.

I think that had this person told me and I was aware I was going to receive something then that would allow me to at least reciprocate.

Does that make sense?

I've always masked it (without realising) as an 'I don't like surprises' issue. And to some extent that is true, I really don't enjoy being surprised as it makes me feel stupidly anxious. Some surprises are okay but only little ones.
But reading what you wrote and being able to relate makes me realise it probably is more of an anxious thing.

That’s exactly it @Munrow. And yes, it does feel a bit suffocating. We seem to be in a very similar situation. I also don’t like surprises and do think it’s a part of anxiety.

The person who gave it, though, isn't thinking in that way at all. They are thinking of previous times they have been caught out, or wanting to show you they care. It's not ok- but it's not intentionally pushing your boundaries.

How do you know that for sure, mull? You have no inroad into their thoughts, so you're making one hell of an assumption there.

I'm basing my response on his actions. "No present, please" - but then he gives a present. Couple this with multiple texts after no response and then a call, and that spells insecurity and therefore manipulation.