About My Husband and the Parties

[HarrietSmith]

Last week I was working longer hours than usual and only finished work at lunchtime on Saturday.

I came back feeling this was a chance to spend some time at home -
properly catching up - with my husband and daughter who is back from university. There were a couple of parties held by different friends of mine (neighbours). They started late afternoon and we'd agreed to drop in on both.

The period after work and before the parties wasn't that peaceful - apart from a pleasant late lunch - because of a crisis involving my daughter's boyfriend. He has major problems at home so we had to decide whether to invite him to stay and wait for him to decide what to do. (We invited him but he's trying to stick things our.)

I've realised over the years that the way in which I enjoy parties involves not staying that long. I don't drink - even quite small amounts of alcohol make me dizzy and ill. I find it quite hard work standing up and having to talk in a louder than usual voice because the room's noisy and/or the music is at a high volume. My husband enjoys a few glasses of wine. Like most people this just makes him feel that he's having a good time.

So if we're going to a party a long way off in the car, there's usually a compromise about how long we'll stay. If the party is near home and we're walking, I tend to leave and he'll come back an hour or so later.

I left Party A after an hour, after saying goodbye to my husband and agreeing we'd meet later at Party B. I came back home and encouraged my daughter to come to Party B where some of her friends were likely to be present. She agreed - and clearly enjoying talking to her old friends there . I spent getting on for an hour and a half at Party B,- my husband hadn't showed up - but the room was getting incredibly hot so I felt that I'd done enough. On my way home I met my husband walking in the other direction to Party B. It was only about 8, but he told me he would probably be back late so why didn't I put all his stuff in the spare room.

I was a bit puzzled that he'd decided in advance that he was likely to stay for several hours at Party B, but just said 'Okay'.

I felt a bit sad at home. Part of me wanted some peace and quiet, but part of me regretted that it seemed unlikely the evening would end with me catching up with my husband. I wrapped some presents for my mother and brother, and looked for a bit of food - but didn't find much. All the shopping my husband had done was for planned Xmas evening meals. There wasn't , for example, a carton of soup I could heat up. I read the newspaper.

My husband and daughter both arrived back at around 11 while I was still awake. My husband came in and it emerged that he'd agreed to go back to Party A after an hour or so at Party B. He'd done lots of dancing - he quite enjoys flamboyant Travolta style moves and I always find him a bit tricky to dance with because he's so caught up in what he was doing.

He babbled away about Party A and how much better it was than Party B. Then my daughter wanted some help getting red wine stains out of a cream coloured jumper. (She'd spilled the wine at Party B). So I gave her a hand.

When I'd finished doing that my husband had disappeared to bed in the spare room.

Our relationship has been a bit up and down over the last week and he'd also gone straight to the spare room on the two previous nights. This was after a minor domestic quarrel..

However, I had thought we had got through that. We do mostly end up sleeping apart because he tosses and turns a lot before getting settled. (Slight knee problems.) I sleep badly because I wake up frequently with overheating. (Menopause). But we would normally end up starting the night together unless I've been sleeping very badly and also have to get up early for work the next day.

Sorry this is so long. But I just feel it's been a rather unhappy beginning to the start of Xmas, and don't know what to do.

Why not just mention to them now about the lack of port and oranges and let them get on with it.

I'll be honest, if someone who hadn't shopped and wasn't cooking kept bobbing up with recipes and waving them under my nose I'd lose patience with them quite quickly. And you know what? If they haven't planned it properly they're going to need to improvise, during which time you can sit down with your feet up, a nice cup of tea and a film and leave them to it.

Stop looking for problems.

I am really aware of the problems caused by not drinking and am acknowledging that this comes over very negatively to many people on Mumsnet

There are no problems caused by not drinking. The problems are when non drinkers like you judge and belittle people for having a drink. That is what comes over negatively.

Did either know you didn't have port and oranges? Perhaps rather than being half involved you need to be a bit clearer with them. We often cook a recipe to use up what we have so I would rarely see a recipe my DH has indicated then rush to buy everything. Again, though, making a big drama over her forgetting two things on what sounds like quite an extensive list of food for your evening meals. She can easily pop out today to rectify things.

Op, you do sound very down and every little thing is a mountain to you. It seems everything has to be done your way and you feel your needs and you should be thr ptime focus, and if it's not then you take it as a personal slight.

Your husband is clearly going out of his way, he does the shopping, he does the cooking, he sleeps in the spare room to not disturb you, he accepts you don't want to spend more than an hour at a party as you're not particularly sociable. You also seem to resent working when you're husband is retired.

I'd maybe think about speaking to your gp. Possibly you're suffering from depression. Life should be easier and more fun than you're making it. Where is the joy? Everything doesn't need to be perfect. Spending a few hours at a party doesn't mean your husband doesn't want to be with you.

I'd try to think of it from others perspective. It must be very hard indeed to live with someone behaving and feeling as you currently are.

Speak to your gp in the new year, explain how hard and joyless you're finding life and how controlling your behavuour is becoming. Depression is an illness and you can get help for it. Good luck 💐

Don't dismiss how your hormones affect your mood at the moment either. I'm not in any way "diagnosing" you at all, just thinking that your posts sound quite similar to a friend of mine at the moment who - on top of everything else - is suffering a bit with the menopause. May be way off the mark, of course.

Your husband is clearly going out of his way, he does the shopping, he does the cooking

Does he? Or has he done the shopping for Christmas Dinner which he is going to cook? Not clear on how much 'wife work' the OP is still doing on top of working longer hours. Once you are feeling rested after Christmas, I do think you could have a chat with him (as a pp suggested, going for a walk together) and talk about what you both want for 2018 and how to make that happen.

I second everything Mirialis has said. Take care of yourself OP, it's not until the new year, use 1st of Jan as your first stepping stone to feeling happier for yourself, the things such as the ones you wrote in your first post might not seem as big a deal after that

not long until the new year

The duck stuff is sorted.

My husband has been known to cry with frustration when making Christmas dinner using unfamiliar recipes or different dishes - which has alarmed my daughter who has then coming running to me.

So I have wanted to avoid a repetition of that.

This is the first year where I have been working full-time in the run up to Christmas and my husband has been more in charge on the domestic front. It's also the first year when my daughter has wanted to take part.

So inevitably there are a few glitches. Other stuff like my husband buying really expensive croissants for Xmas breakfast well in advance, only the best before date is earlier. So do I chill and eat stale croissants? Do I freeze them myself? Do I ask him to freeze them?

It's not stuff I had to think about in previous years because I was doing more of the organising. Doing less isn't necessarily restful - though of course it should be.

Freeze the croissants and take them out first thing. Pop in the oven and they’ll be lovely.

I think this all boils down to lack of communication or you expecting them to read your mind and know what you want. Maybe it’s the menopause making you low: have you considered a visit to your GP?

Other stuff like my husband buying really expensive croissants for Xmas breakfast well in advance, only the best before date is earlier

Sorry, but that did make me laugh. Chuck them in the freezer and tell him you've done so and why without it being a big deal. I know exactly what you mean about doing less not necessarily being more restful in this situation. Give yourself a strict 30 minutes to spot any potential glitches. You could make a list of them + proposed timings for prep and cooking and pin them up in the kitchen. Tell your DH and DD it's there in case it's useful but you're sure they'll do a great job... and then do NOTHING else. The meal is not going to perfect, can pretty much guarantee that - don't get sucked into their drama though. You've got enough on your plate - take yourself off and let them deal with any disasters or drama without running to you.

buying really expensive croissants for Xmas breakfast well in advance, only the best before date is earlier. So do I chill and eat stale croissants? Do I freeze them myself? Do I ask him to freeze them?

Do I stop looking for problems where there are none? Why ask him to freeze them - if you've noticed it just do it!

She has been called "hard work" and "very controlling" etc. etc. She's been told to back off and now she's wondering if she should just stop interfering altogether - MN is helping to create the problems we are also accusing her of looking for!!!

Op you sound very sweet to me. You are perhaps dealing with a big change from general hone maker to worker and this throws up difficulties... And it sounds like you'd like to have a hug with your husband and a bit of tlc. Not too much to ask. It sounds like you'd like to know you're loved?

How much earlier is the date on the croissants? Christmas Day is tomorrow, if you freeze them now you will have to defrost them prior to breakfast tomorrow morning. Are they already stale bullets, if not it's less than 24 hours before you are going to eat them are they really going to go hard and stale in that time? If you warm them up prior to eating them they should be fine.

However, the croissants and what to do with them amongst all the other minutae of your posts says to me that you and your husband are not operating as a team or even a couple in this relationship. To me you sound like two strangers who just happen to share the same living space.

No do not defrost the croissants before putting in the oven!

Going out of his way! Only in 50s England. Poor lamb he can’t be expected not to fuck up the shopping and cooking.

I quite understand OP. Your DH has failed on the basics, which take practice —and a bit of common sense—

Why would he do an unfamiliar recipe on Christmas Day? It’s a big enough job without challenging his skill set. If he struggles with cooking why not buy a ready stuffed bird or a complete meal from Cook or M & S?

YANBU to be frustrated with all this.

You appear to look for problems where there really aren't any, all your posts are a bit on the odd side & very much a pity party. Drinking has nothing to do with that so try to stop sounding so sniffy about it. Chill out & leave them to do whatever it is they plan to do for the meals-if it goes pear shaped who gives a fuck? It's really not the end of the world.

Drinking does have something to do with it - as a pregnant pp said, it can be hard to be the only sober person at Christmas. On top of being hot and hormonal people are very loud and talking utter shite after a while (come on, even us drinkers know that). By the time her DH is limbering up to crack out the Saturday Night Fever moves she's ready for a bit of quiet time at home and a cup of tea, not least as she only finished working that day and then her DD's drama to deal with pre-party. The mentioning of the lack of drinking and joining in with the dancing is because she's aware she comes across as a party-pooper while he's the life-and-soul and that's probably why her DH was more interested in the parties than in spending time with her, not getting to party B in time to meet up with her there as agreed, and telling her to make up the spare room for him and not wait up.

I don't think DH did wrong but I don't think she's wrong either for feeling a bit down and overlooked by her DH when she wasn't expecting to spend 24/7 with him but was expecting a bit of family time. A lack of communication, no doubt, but in fact all this "you're controlling", "you're a martyr", "stop with the pity-party", "poor DH" shite is actually more melodramatic than the OP's posts and pretty grinchey.

Is this for real, it seems there really is no pleasing you, Christmas does not fall flat at the lack of bread cheese port or orange. The atmosphere must be awful.

I think it is useful to have some appetising stuff for lunch during a holiday period, as eating baked beans on toast for lunch isn't terribly celebratory. As a family we do eat a lot of cheese.

And it's probably useful to have the accompaniments for the main Christmas meal sorted in advance - as shops are shut on the 25th and my husband does get in a bit of a state about not having the right ingredients.

So if that's being pernickety I shall admit to pernickety-ness.

I'm not surprised you husband is stressed, it seems the consequences of getting it wrong with you would be earth shattering!

ffs can't you stop bashing the op?

It's shit having to mop up other peoples lack of organisation, especially if your out working and they have the time to do this. I totally get this - have had to go and get presents this morning for my kids to gift (to be fair they did try but the youngest has had a migraine for two days and the older one has been helping his dad at a market)

As teenagers they're not great on organising themselves. And before anyone says "I would have let them deal with the consequences" I'm not having my DSD, her Husband and DGS go without.