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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has changed her mind about xmas, now im alone

31 replies

Reddlion · 24/12/2017 02:44

My friend has said from last week she is coming to mine for xmas. I will be alone i dont have family. I planned to go away but she said not to as she will be coming over I have spoken to her today whilst talking about Xmas shopping and said i have everything and she said she needs to get a chicken and she doesnt knoe what she is doing.
I am pissed off tbh she also cancelled todays dinner which was pre booked in mayfair.

Aibu? Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 02:46

And i think she has cancelled because she want to be with her ex who she cut off because he always did what she is doing to me but he does it because hes a cocaine addict and she wants to have a child with this man!

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 02:51

I'm sorry. She's not much of a friend. Sad

Do you have anyone else at all that you could invite over?

Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 02:53

No not really. Do you think i should say something?

OP posts:
bretonknickers · 24/12/2017 02:55

Sorry, Op.
Have you wasted much money on food etc for the day?

Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 03:05

Not really a waste as I can cook it just for me got basic whole chicken and veg potatoes ext might just cook it up and give to some homeless people who always sleep under the train bridge. I can never finish a whole chicken

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 24/12/2017 03:13

Why didn't you just say, you don't need a chicken you're coming to me remember? Ask her!!

Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 03:15

I did say that and she told me she doesn't know what she is doing and might come to mine in the evening

OP posts:
AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 03:20

If she's had a longstanding arrangement to spend Christmas Day with you and knowing full well you will be on your own she's now trying to worm out of it to be with her flaky selfish cocaine addict ex then I think you are within your rights to tell her to fuck right off and not to come crying to you when he's a complete shit to her in the new year.

Some people really do get the lives they deserve.

Oldsu · 24/12/2017 03:21

Reddlion so sorry you are on your own and to think about sharing your food with homeless people shows what a kind person you are who deserves a better friend, but why not combine helping the homeless and having company on Christmas Day by contacting your local homeless shelter or the Salvation Army to see if they are doing Christmas lunches and volunteer to help out.

I am volunteering at our Local SA Christmas lunch again this year, I do have family but we eat in the evening they don't mind as they know how important it is for me its great fun and I meet some wonderful characters both volunteers and service users

treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 03:27

Yes, I think you should definitely say something. Ask her outright why she asked you not to go away at Christmas when she wasn't actually planning on spending it with you? Spelling it out for her like that makes it very clear.

Frankly though, in your shoes, I'd say the damage is done. I'd try to make the most of the day and make it a new year mission to find some nicer friends. Sad

Gaudeamus · 24/12/2017 03:35

I think it would be a fantastic thing to take Christams dinner to the homeless - that's a wonderful thought.

Having Christmas alone doesn't have to be sad - even if it's not magical and full of joy, it can still be a proper day off, a rest and the chance to do a few things you enjoy just for you. What sort of things do you like doing at home normally? Lie in? Walk to a beauty spot? Bubble bath? Film and a glass of wine? Maybe have a think about how a nice quiet day would look for you and use today to get ready so you can relax 100% tomorrow.

Most people wouldn't think twice about telling your friend how crappy her attitude has been, but it seems like you're doubtful of your right to do so. Do you think you have particularly low self-esteem, or assertiveness problems? It might be worth reading up on these topics at some point so you have a better chance not to be messed around in future, because her behaviour is very obviously rubbish and it's seriously put you out. You should definitely say something to her over the next week or so - you don't have to be aggressive or confrontational just explain to her that she's really let you down and ask for her commitment that it won't happen again. Perhaps you can sort out an arrangement where you will contact each other near the date of your plans to confirm, and after that the event is going ahead and neither of you will pull out.

It sounds like your friend is in a dysfunctional situation with her ex (to say the least) and that might explain her chaotic behaviour, but your friendship and peace of mind will only improve if you can put some boundaries in place to avoid her flakiness affecting you any more.

I wish you a lovely peaceful Christmas.

Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 03:40

Thanks guys
I have just applied to Crisis at Christmas to volunteer

OP posts:
Caulk · 24/12/2017 04:13

Crisis at Christmas here has months of training, DBS checks etc. I’m impressed they let you apply this late in the day.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/12/2017 04:33

I'm sorry Thanks

Just to make you aware; most of the charities/homeless shelters/etc are now taking applicants for next Christmas - the slots fill very fast; there are a huge number of volunteers at Christmas - so don't be too disappointed if they contact you early next year.

Original poster
Reddlion · 24/12/2017 04:59

Ok what should I say to her about this should i send a message or phone?

OP posts:
FirsttimemumJan18 · 24/12/2017 05:09

@reddlion I wouldn’t waste anymore energy on her. She’s more than happy to let you her friend down for her Coke Head Ex. I def appreciate your disappointment and annoyance at her, but i wouldn’t be horrible and send a nasty text or be horrible to her face to face. You are obviously the better person. The fact that she has told you she ‘Might’ come over in the evening is just damn rude! So she can keep her options open she is willing to let you Slave over getting a dinner ready for her to probably not turn up. Let her know that you have made plans for Christmas now by volunteering and wish her a good festive season and leave her to it with her loser ex! You’ll have a much more rewarding time doing volunteer work. I’m sorry she has let you down x

thatslow · 24/12/2017 06:13

She isn’t a friend, she’s a user!

She’s keeping her options open. Don’t let her. Tell her you’ve made other plans to volunteer as she’s not committing. otherwise the disappointment you feel today from having found out she probably won’t be coming, will be felt on Christmas Day when you’ve made everything and have no time to change your own plans.

I heard of a local pub putting on Christmas dinner for anyone who would be spending the day alone, maybe see if there’s anything similar in your area? Would open up the opportunity to make some new (nicer) friends.

Have a lovely day whatever you end up doing, sorry your friend is so mean.

thatslow · 24/12/2017 06:16

It sounds more like she’s spending the day with her ex but wants the option of coming to you in case he lets her down.

NoKnownFather · 24/12/2017 06:39

So sorry your ?friend has done this to you, she's not a true friend or she wouldn't have treated you as second best.

No way would I bother to get in touch by phone or message, she has proved she is not worth the effort and next time when she comes crawling back I wouldn't reply or have something else arranged.

She will soon get the message. So sorry for you.

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2017 06:45

You do need to get in touch or chances are she'll be banging in your door at some point when it suits her tomorrow

TheRottweiler · 24/12/2017 06:52

Oldsu

Off topic slightly - sorry.

But I would just like to say a massive thank you to you for volunteering to help the Sally Army on Christmas Day.

I am an Assistant Manager at 2 SA Charity shops and it fair gladdens my heart to read posts like yours.

Have fun, make friends, help out, make memories - what could be better? And you still get time with your own family.

You are an inspiration and very much appreciated.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/12/2017 06:54

Tell her not to bother coming over. Ever again. She doesn’t sound much of a friend.

octonaught · 24/12/2017 07:12

Well done you volunteering. Do not give your "friend" the time of day.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 24/12/2017 07:15

Let your friend know that as she has let you down, you have now made alternative arrangements and as such, you will not be available to host at any time as you will be busy with your other plans.
Volunteer at crisis is a wonderful idea. You’ll definitely feel good about that by time you get home, when you do get home, put your feet up and watch crap on telly with a nice glass of something and don’t give a thought to your friend.

When her sorry arse bf dumps her — and we all know he will — don’t be there for her. As pp said, some people get the life they deserve. Have a great Christmas.

bimbobaggins · 24/12/2017 07:22

Of course you should say something to her. Let her know in no uncertain terms how badly she has let you down and now you will be spending it alone. Then cut her off. A real friend wouldn’t treat you like this.

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