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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy selection boxes for them?

18 replies

Chunkymonkey217 · 23/12/2017 22:14

Hi all! Xmas Smile
I’ll get right to it. My DB and his partner have 2 children together, my DNs (obviously!). His partner has 3 children from a previous marriage who I don’t see very often, and even when I do they don’t speak much, which is fine as some children just don’t like speaking to people. The ages are 11, 13 and 16. So altogether there’s 7 of them including DB, partner and all the children Shock
I also have another DB, his DW (my SIL) has a 17 year old from another relationship. Would I be unreasonable to buy both of my DBs children toys etc and get the others selection boxes? I don’t want to leave anyone out, but it does get expensive buying toys and other bits for ALL of the kids. Like I said, I don’t want to leave anyone out and I have bought both DBs step children (?) selection boxes, but I feel like it’s not enough and they’d be annoyed/gutted. Xmas Sad
I’ve still got time to pop out and buy them something more substantial, but it would be stretching the purse strings a little bit! AIB(an)U Grinch?

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 23/12/2017 22:28

I think it’s best to treat all of the children the same, though I had my own recent thread about a similar issue, and opinions varied widely.

Lollipop30 · 23/12/2017 22:32

I think it would seem unfair. I think you need to treat all the children the same, as your DB has chosen to make these children his family you need to treat them as such also. Whether this be selection boxes for all of them or a small gift for all of them.

Original poster
Chunkymonkey217 · 23/12/2017 22:32

Thanks Peachy! I’ll try and find your thread now and see what people said.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 23/12/2017 22:32

I would treat them all the same. My sister has a baby with her partner. Her partner has 3 sons (her stepsons). I will admit I have spent a little more on the baby, but before she came along, the boys have always got the same gifts, even though I had never even met the eldest.

RachelRosie · 23/12/2017 22:32

I think you should treat all the children the same even if that means reducing DB's gifts (I know its not easy this late in the day).

Do the SC live within the family home and will be spending Christmas together... I certainly don't think you can get away with singling the SC out with cheaper presents.

WrittenandGrown · 23/12/2017 22:34

I don’t think it’s ok to buy them selection boxes because they aren’t your blood relatives but I would probably buy selection boxes for older children (who wouldn’t want toys) and toys for the younger ones (who are presumably at the toy stage) regardless of their relationship to you.

elliejjtiny · 23/12/2017 22:35

I think you need to spend the same amount. It doesn't have to be much though, I spend £5 on each of my nieces/nephews at Christmas.

Original poster
Chunkymonkey217 · 23/12/2017 22:38

Thanks all! Got my answer Smile I did think I was being unfair, should have listened to my gut instinct. The youngest SC is at an in betweeny stage where I think she’d prefer “big girl” things. I’ll pop out and get them smellies tomorrow. Thanks again! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
foodfrax · 23/12/2017 22:43

I think it’s fine, they’re not you’re relations and they’re old enough to understand that.

foodfrax · 23/12/2017 22:45

Sorry, your

CharlieSierra · 23/12/2017 22:45

I think it would seem unfair. I think you need to treat all the children the same, as your DB has chosen to make these children his family you need to treat them as such also

Doesn't that mean they end up getting twice as much as his natural children? Presumably it applies to the father's new partner's family as well in these circumstances? They are all old enough to understand the relationships.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2017 22:48

I lean towards yanbu on this one but on the assumption that you're discreet ie that you wouldn't hand over gifts to the younger dc while the others are sitting in the room too. I'm also taking it that you definitely don't have an auntie type relationship with the step children as you say you rarely see them.

I know some people say they should all be treated the same but I think that's for their parents more so than relatives by marriage. The fact is those children likely have aunts, uncles and GPS who will be buying for them and obviously not for your dc. I'd say a selection box is a nice token gift and I doubt the dc expect anything from you given their ages.

Having said all that I actually do buy for my dns siblings who aren't my dns but that's because they're all close enough in age that when they were tiny my dn really wouldn't have understood why their baby siblings weren't getting a gift from me. It would have caused them to feel sad on behalf of their siblings which obviously I didn't want! To be fair I can afford to do that, not everyone can.

froshiechipandbrickie · 23/12/2017 22:57

I think it depends. Are you celebrating Christmas together? If yes, I really do believe that treating them differently because of their blood relation isn’t the answer.

What about one or two ‘bigger’ presents that are for ‘everyone’ / would be used by everyone and therefore stay ar your DB’s house and selection boxes (or something similar) for everyone individually?

NotEnoughCats · 23/12/2017 22:58

I'd treat them all the same. What about an Amazon gift card each? That way they can buy what they want.

SockUnicorn · 23/12/2017 23:08

i was a stepchild and also have this issue now. When I was younger my step family would buy my half-siblings (same DM, Im 6 years older than them and didnt live with them but would visit around christmas and holidays). It was noticed and I felt very hurt and embarrassed to watch these gifts being passed around or see them under the tree or have people stopping round to do drop offs and basically leaving me out - even when I was only around 10/11 I noticed. I now have a DN with a younger half sister. DN is 19 and gets a £35 gift card for xmas whereas her brother gets a £20 one. They open them separately but its essentially "the same" and still a decent gift. Would hate to leave her sister out despite her not being blood. Lifes shit enough. Would possibly spoil your DNs and then get her siblings a £10 itunes card each and a selection box. So more than just a token but not quite whatever you spend on DN (depending on how much you spend obviously).

SockUnicorn · 23/12/2017 23:10

*leave her SISTER out not brother

Original poster
Chunkymonkey217 · 24/12/2017 01:53

Thanks all for the advice! Sock that sounds horrible Sad see, I kind of had a similar experience when younger. My DBs have a different dad to me, so I can remember on Christmas their uncles and aunties getting them presents and obviously didn’t buy for me. It didn’t really bother me much (that I can remember!) as I knew I was getting presents off my aunties on my mums side. But that’s why I at least wanted to get them a token gift, so they wouldn’t feel left out. I’d hate for any child to be sad on Christmas Day.
Can’t sleep-No definitely not an auntie relationship! I don’t think they’d recognise me in the street to be honest Blush but they do live in another city so I really only see them once a year if that, sometimes it’ll be longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkymonkey217 · 24/12/2017 01:55

Ah Froshie that’s a good idea! I could have gotten them a board game or something that they could all play etc.

OP posts:
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