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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break a confidence.

61 replies

BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 16:30

Sorry this is so vague. I won't be adding any detail. I have name changed too obviously. A relative told me something in confidence about an institutional situation where children are being treated badly. Not physically harmed but discriminated against and scared and sidelined and denied their rights. Their parents don't know.

The trouble is that there is a cover up. The institution isn't accepting the situation's gravity despite it being known about by the higher ups and nothing is set to change. The same man who yells at and ignores these kids while their parents think they're being cared for will stay in charge. I'm sorry I can't provide more explanation of the specifics.

My relative has a personal involvement in the situation and is adamant it should remain secret (but has told me obviously).

WIBU to tell more people about it just so that the truth comes to light? Specifically an independent influential person with the power to make sure things change?

Is it ok to break a confidence to make a situation better for children facing bad treatment though not physical harm? Is it ok to secretly manoeuvre to have this man sacked?

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 23/12/2017 17:07

Well, too bad for your relative. The well- being of children who can't protect themselves trumps his desire to keep this a secret.

This.

I was bullied and scapegoated throughout my childhood, and it's still troubling me, fifty years later. Those children deserve much better and anyone who lets such miserably bullying abuse continue is as bad as the people abusing those poor children.

Speak up. Shout about it. Get it stopped, right now.

TheOnlyWaysTitsUp · 23/12/2017 17:08

Your relative isn’t following the safeguarding or whistleblowing procedure: he would be U to be angry with you and his interests are secondary to the interests of the vulnerable children / young people being mistreated.

This.

He's complicit if he knows but it keeping it secret. Except he's not actually keeping it secret. He's told you. Maybe he wants it to get out but doesn't have the nerve to act himself?

I wondered this.

The welfare of children comes before the feelings and sensitivities of adults. Every time.

Absolutely. Report it.

humblesims · 23/12/2017 17:09

I think you have to tell. I would not be able to keep that to myself. I would tell my relative "I know you told me in confidence and asked me not to tell but my conscience wont allow me to remain silent." They have to understand that they have put you in an impossible position. You cant remain quiet, honestly you cant. Not in this day and age when lessons have (hopefully) been learnt about keeping quiet. What if it were your child and how do you know that there are not worse things happening?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2017 17:09

A child being emotionally abused (and it sounds as if that's what's going on) is going to be just as mentally/emotionally damaged by that abuse as a child who is beaten.

A person who knows this is going on and does nothing is complicit in the abuse. That person does not deserve to have their request for confidence respected. The children's safety must come first.

A person who would be complicit in the above is not someone I could not respect, nor would I want that person in my life anyway. It wouldn't matter if this person were my spouse, my parent, or a nodding acquaintance from next door. His 'resentment' would mean less than nothing to me and he deserves any 'consequences'.

Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:13

My relation has reported (sorry am a drip feeding twat) and been told its all in hand and things will probably change in the medium term.

He is happy with that. I think he's been palmed off and this man should not be left in post for a single day. I want to complain beyond the institution to make it faster and certain that this man is thrown out. In that sense my relative has been playing by the rules and I want to play dirtier.

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 23/12/2017 17:14

Every Beaver, Cub and Scout Group have a Group Scout Leader, who is not the person who runs each section. They are overall in charge, in an admin role. You should be able to get their contact details and email, phone, write or message them. You can do it anonymously if you prefer.
It is a safeguarding issue and needs to be addressed.
However, ignore my advice if your explanation is not the real situation!

Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:15

By the rules I mean by the stated complaints processes of the institution. I think the moral rules are that I am a person with influence and I need to use that to shout this from the rooftops.

OP posts:
Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:16

It's not actually scouts was just trying to find a non identifying equivalent

OP posts:
AnnetteCurtains · 23/12/2017 17:23

sorry to be blunt but why does it matter if they know it was him ? He has withdrawn his child
He needs to push/report this
Does he know the other parents ?

Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:26

He doesn't know the other parents and it only matters to him if he is exposed as the leak beeause he wants to protect his child from the attention of the local area, doesn't want his child to feature in the gossip IYSWIM. We are a very retiring sort of family.

But you have all confirmed what I knew, that this needs to be done by hook or by crook and it falls to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:28

We are in a small Welsh village and it will probably cause a lot of gossip and side taking if it comes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:28

But so be it

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2017 17:30

I think the moral rules are that I am a person with influence and I need to use that to shout this from the rooftops

You are 100% right to use any influence you have to get this dealt with as soon as possible. I've also found that in situations like these there can often be a conspiracy of silence by 'people in positions' eager to protect an institution's reputation. These people may not actually obstruct, but they move too slowly with their first consideration being 'things not getting out'. Much better to have as many people as possible in the institution aware of what's going on.

Absolutely escalate it up the chain of command. That's not 'playing dirty' in any way. That's doing the necessary be sure something gets done.

AnnetteCurtains · 23/12/2017 17:37

well done Bang
You are doing the right thing

Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 17:37

Thanks all, I am heartened to find you share my views and I will draw comfort from that if the shit hits the fan and my relative disowns me for telling the secret. For complete disclosure I told him at the start I wouldn't tell anybody but I have lost faith in things changing otherwise so that's the way it's got to be

OP posts:
Jux · 23/12/2017 17:40

Yep, go higher. It doesn't have to have come from your friend, as he has already reported it. It could easily come from someone involved in that procedure who is unhappy with the decision that has been made, unhappy with the soft approach that is being/has been taken.

Lilactree103 · 23/12/2017 17:56

Yes it's ok to break the confidence. The wellbeing of the children outweigh everything else.

Dozer · 23/12/2017 18:02

OK so it sounds like the man your relative has concerns about is a volunteer for a large organisation with lots of local clubs. So yes, complain higher about the local handling.

Sounds like the organisation he volunteers for are hoping he’ll voluntarily leave soon, eg retire. Poor if so.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 23/12/2017 18:03

Definitely report.

BlueCherryPudding · 23/12/2017 18:07

Omg I'm not even reading the thread - YES YOU SHOULD REPORT IT!

children deserve to be treated better than you keeping your stupid confidence!

I'm gobsmacked you even need to ask this. Help those children! You have no idea the kind of scars emotional abuse leave behind! Report it or your just as shit as the person doing it!

Original poster
BangAndTheDirtyScone · 23/12/2017 18:10

It has been repoeted, blue cherry. I'm asking if it's imperative to make a public fuss about the report not being dealt with in a serious and timely fashion. I've reached my conclusion, no need to yell at me thanks.

OP posts:
SilverDoe · 23/12/2017 18:13

Sorry haven't RTFT yet but from your update with the scout analogy I would say he was being incredibly selfish? So he realised his vulnerable child was being badly treated, seriously enough to remove him from the group, yet wants the abusive person's actions to remain secret out of fear of rocking the boat? Even though there are other vulnerable children at risk who's parents aren't aware of the situation?

Awful. As others have said if a child had told you this but asked you to keep it secret out of fear or repurcussion you know that you would still need to tell someone so the children could be properly safe guarded. It's awful that he is willing to let other children suffer when his speaking up could prevent this person causing any more harm :(

SilverDoe · 23/12/2017 18:15

So be it is right I'm afraid. Wishing you strength to deal with the inevitable fallout and thank you for putting those children first and doing the right thing.

RubaDubMum89 · 23/12/2017 18:17

I got halfway through the first paragraph and don't need to read anymore. Break the confidence, tell the relevant authority

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2017 18:20

Report this
Google your county council & safeguarding children how to report
Do it today

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