Was I insensitive?

[Happyhappyveggie]

I have just upset my friend and didn’t mean to. She has just had a miscarriage about a week ago. I have tried to be as supportive as possible texting every day etc. and offering to cook for her.
My DD has just had her birthday and I posted a few pics of her on Facebook (as my family who live away like to see pics of kids etc) including a pic of her as a baby - I do this on the kids birthdays every year.
She’s just messaged me saying how insensitive I am and how could I not think about her feelings/ how she is feeling.
I genuinely didn’t do it to upset her- I did it because it’s my kids birthday and that is what I am thinking about and I do it every year.
I would never consciously try to upset her.
Aibu to feel upset about it? I didn’t do it on purpose!

Yanbu at all. You've been very supportive to her and it's very sad that she is going through this but it doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate your child's birthday.

I'd cut her a bit of slack because clearly she's very upset, but you really haven't done anything wrong.

No you were not insensitive she is grieving and not thinking straight. It’s very sad she has had a miscarriage but she can’t expect people to no post pictures in Facebook because of it.

Ok your friend is fragile and hurting however you did nothing wrong I think you could message back apologising that the photos upset her and leave it at that.

I don't think you were but I would probably apologise as she is obviously struggling with the loss.

Of course a mc is devastating. I've been there myself.
However posted them publicly on Facebook.
It's not like you text them personally to her.
No one forced her to look at your Facebook profile. She must have known youd put up pictures of your little one. Harsh but true

Apologising isn't the word i meant to use because you did nothing wrong.

Of course you weren’t insensitive. Your daughter’s birthday is a day you celebrate and it really is nothing to do with anyone else.

You have been very nice and supportive. It’s just the way she feels, I guess, but it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong at all.

No apology required.

Of course you didn't do anything wrong. I'd call her to say you are sorry she was upset and that wasn't your intention

You've done nothing wrong, and although she shouldn't be taking it out on you, try not to dwell on it as it's coming from her pain

You definitely did nothing wrong. I'm sorry that happened to her but that doesn't mean everyone else has to change the way they live their lives in case she takes offence at it.

Maybe acknowledge her pain and tell her you're sorry she's going through this - but don't apologise for having your children and sharing their birthday joy on Facebook.

You've done nothing wrong and therefore there's nothing to apologise for.

She's rightly sad and grieving but it isn't fair to take it out on you.

Disclaimer - this is just my opinion, and you know what they say about opinions!

I believe happy families are a very emotive issue for many people, either due to their own crap childhood or a trauma of some sort in their current life (e.g. my own family has just imploded, or someone my be infertile etc etc), so for this reason I've never posted family pictures on social media, to avoid causing pain.

And I'm glad, because now I'm gutted every time I see a mummy/daddy/kids oh isn't it great photo. So I hope I've avoided making anyone else feel that way.

To go even further, and this will certainly make everyone hate me, I'd actually call it showing off (which used to be considered unpleasant).

Anyway OP, you've done nothing that most people wouldn't think is ok, so don't worry about it.

I don't think you did anything wrong - it would have been different if you'd sent them directly to, or tagged her in the post, but assuming you didn't her reaction was unfair.

However, given how raw and recent her loss is, I'd be inclined to cut her some slack and accept she's being unreasonable but be a friend about it - send a message saying something like 'I'm really sorry you were so upset by it. How are you doing? Shall I call so we can talk later?' - or something like that. Not an actual apology as you haven't done anything wrong, but acknowledging her pain and continuing to offer support.

Your 'Friend' was the Insensitive one...

I hope your DD had a wonderful festive Birthday

She's over reacting, but she's obviously struggling. I'd probably have left the baby photo out of the collage this year. I'd send her a message saying sorry you were upset, it wasn't meant to hurt you. Then leave her be for a day or two?

I probably wouldn’t have posted a baby picture no, but then I never get why people do this on fb at all tbh. I can see why someone who has just had a miscarriage and who you’ve been in daily contact with re that miscarriage might find this insensitive tbh.

Couldn’t you just message pics to people who you know want to see them? Surely it’s only family who like seeing this?

DISCLAIMER: I don’t like Facebook, so may have a strange view on this.

I have had 4 miscarriages, I know they are hard but you can’t expect everyone to stop their lives bacecause you have had a miscarriage.

YANBU to post pics, your life can’t stop....

People in pain are irrational. You did nothing wrong but she can’t think straight right now.

Agree with PPs - contact her saying you didn’t mean to upset her, and are there if she wants to talk.

You weren't insensitive at all. I've been where your friend has though which is why I came off Facebook. A dark pit of upset and self loathing, magnified because so many are do cheerful at this time of year and expecting you to be.

She was unreasonable but unless she's a me me me self absorbed person all the time anyway then I'd see this as being way out of character and her being in a dark place.

Personally I'd say how sorry you are for her loss and that you are thinking of her. Don't apologise for hurting her feelings or not thinking of her though. If she insists you do then I'd tell her you are sorry she feels that way and given the time of year you'd suggest probably not using fb so much.

I had a miscarriage in August and my friend had a time hop pic of her new born son just days after my miscarriage.

She didn't post it

you could have a baby advert on your tv and she would feel it was aimed at her.such a loss makes everything baby or child related so acutely painful.
its not you so try to literally brush it aside.dont think badly of her or upset.the loss shes had is unlike any other and all rational and nice thoughts totally fuk off.and ur left raw and in a state of total mush.
don't even try and see whether either of you is right or wrong.neither are here hun.you wont get sense from this situation not when miscarriage is involved.
but you weren't wrong.she wont see that right now.but in her heart she will no it.

Whilst I understand that your friend is hurting, she is also selfishly over reacting to this one. People often look back on past photos of their children on their birthday. Happy birthday to your DD.

YANBU to post as you did. You sound like you've been a lovely supportive friend.

However she is obviously struggling a lot so I would send her a message saying that you didn't mean to upset her and are sorry she is.