To think my hoarding mum will never change

[Goldandsilverandblack]

Long one so thanks if you read to the end! I'm 28 years old with a 4 year old daughter, single mum, work full time and have my own place.

I left home at 13 and went into foster care as me and my mum had a very difficult relationship and on hindsight, this was partly down to mental health issues and depression on her side. She blames me for this as I admit, I did rebel when I got to my teen years as she was very very strict and my brother got away with so much whereas because I was a girl, I had more pressure (my mum wasn't born in the country and in her culture, boys can be free but girls must behave, clean and not go out).

Over the last 15 years, my mums home has gotten worse and worse. She has a four bedroom home which is full up of what I would called clutter. Every bedroom is stuffed full of unused furniture, her clothes, loads and loads of books and just stuff that she have gathered over her lifetime. She collects every jar that she uses and has a habit of using old kettles to grow plants in - I counted three on my last visit. I have tried to talk to her about the place many times in the past but she always shuts me down and says that she doesn't want to talk about it now, or she can't deal with it now or that it's her stuff and it's all important to her. My aunt (not real aunt, mums best friend) doesn't mention anything to her as my mum is stubborn and my aunt knows that if she says something my mum doesn't like, she would cut her off.

What she doesn't understand is that it affects my life also. She is very resentful of the fact that I don't visit often and that we aren't 'family-like', and I'll be honest to say that I probably should visit more but it's like some kind of emotional connection is missing between us and I get so stressed out in the house. At times I have been in the kitchen and have retched as the smell is so bad. Dirty dishes, dirty cooker , kitchen and bathroom floors have not been mopped in months and you can tell.

I'm also now at a point where I don't think it's healthy for my child to be in her house or to even eat there - over the past year or so, her cleaning standards have really gone downhill and her home smells and is always dirty. I don't have the time to help and I really don't know where I would start. I feel like she is capable but is lazy. I also feel like she needs to declutter first as nothing really has a home.

She got really mad at me other day as I threw away an empty Shleor bottle which was gathering dust of the side, in an attempt to tidy. Apparently she liked there shape of the bottle and was keeping it.

On the same day, Christmas plans were mentioned and I had already said before that I would be eating at a close friends house on Christmas but would pass by with my child for an hour or so and would bring her food on the day and shopping the day before. This upset her too and she went to on say about how she has always spent Christmas with me and my brother and that we should be together. Since I went into care I have always dreaded Christmas as I felt obliged to be with her for it regardless of how crap our relationship has been. My child's birthday is actually on Christmas Day so My priority is they they have a brilliant and extra special day.

When I got home, I sent a message to her and all my feelings came out about how I can't handle the house and there isn't space for my daughter to play, no space on the table for us to eat, the cleanliness of the kitchen and bathroom etc. I tried hosting Christmas at mine last year but I spent all day cooking and no time playing with my child and making their birthday special so I said to myself, never again! I wanted to make the day special for my child and for once, do what makes me happy and not feel obliged to spend Christmas in a home which stresses me out. I'm feel bad to say that my mum doesn't cook very well anymore either / it's like the passion or love isn't here and I cannot eat her food.

She initially reacted very bad to the message and dumped some of mine and my daughters stuff outside her house and asked for her key back etc but since then, my aunt has spoken to her and explained that I just want to help her to get better and I only spoke the truth but she is not accepting that she has a problem and is just saying (she's good at emotional blackmail) that I should just leave her and focus on my child and forget her clutter.

My issue is that, she's my mum and we don't have a great relationship but I want her to be happy and to live in better conditions. She has various illnesses and has always been depressed as far as I can remember. She has one friend in real life, the rest are on the internet and she literally spends all day talking to them on the computer. I know her not seeing me or her grandchild would really upset her but she isn't willing to sort her house out at all - even with my help. When I was pregnant and emotional I couldn't go to the house at all as it upset me too much. I've never been able to bring friends or ex partners there and it really makes us difficult as I can't explain why fully as I'm so embarrassed by it.

I've even begun to question if I'm exacerbating the issue as she is in complete denial that there is an issue!I dread as my child gets older, her realising something isn't right and mentioning something to her dad - I've never told him about her home even when we were a couple.

Do I need to just accept that this is how things are and maybe stop visiting her home? Do hoarding parents ever change? Am I evil to keep bringing it up with her?

Thanks for reading!

I think you just need to look after yourself and your daughter and this might mean distancing yourself a bit more from wanting to solve the issues your mum has. Sadly your mum doesn’t seem motivated to change or to accept there’s an issue. Even if you were a difficult teen blaming you for the past isn’t ok.
Sounds like a very hard situation but your priority is your own child’s welfare now. And you deserve a bit of peace too!
See her on your terms but hoarding is a very difficult thing to treat.

I would try to ‘accept’ her home wont change and pick her up to take her out instead - local cafe for coffee and chat, park for your DD to play, that kind of thing. I’d explain it was because her house is too bad to visit but you still want to see her. She’ll get upset and may be grumpy for a while but hopefully come out with you if she wants to see you. I think the chances are she won’t change her hoarding.

I wouldn’t go at Christmas. You might well have to ‘host’ Christmas, however. Do it on your terms, you don’t have to do things you don’t want to, though. Loads of ready prepared stuff makes it easier.

My mum is just like this-her hoarding is so bad her husband has moved into another bedroom and created a clutter free zone for himself. He hates it, I'm not keen and visitors are far and few. She tries to give my daughter endless crap (broken toys, plastic tat) and I have finally said enough and asked her to stop (she's stroppy about this).

She cannot see what the problem is and doesn't understand why her husband has moved. When it's explained, she refuses to see there's a problem. I've offered to get a cleaner in to give at least the kitchen a deep clean but to no avail.

So I've left her to it. I have a life and would like to live it without the crap and tat. I rarely visit and don't stay long when we do. Her loss. Life is too short to try and change people who are dead set on a life like that.

It is know recognised that hoarding is a symptom of a mental health condition. This link may help you understand it a little better and accept there is very little you can do, just n the same way you wouldn’t be able to cure her of any other health condition, or she could just cure herself.
www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/resources/
It sounds like a very difficult relationship, and I wonder if you have ever sought support yourself to process your time in foster care?

I think you have to look out for yourself and DD. Until she's ready she won't change. I'd stop going over but would offer to meet elsewhere/invite her round.

My Mum hoards. Not as badly as yours as my Dad lives there too but there's a lot of stuff. My old (massive) room isn't accessable and the spare bedroom/office is going the same way. She regularly says how stuff needs to go but when it comes to it she can't part with it. I don't mention it anymore.

My dad is what I would describe as a clean and tidy hoarder. His house is exactly that, but with neat piles of magazines/stuff/boxes etc. My parents are divorced and dad lives on his own so no pressure to change his ways. Sadly this means that there's not much room for the children to play and it's therefore difficult to visit him with them. Dad is still active though, so we meet him elsewhere with the children (park or out for a meal) which makes it much easier. We don't really talk to him about it but my brother (who lives locally and see's dad much more) tends to gently rib him about it.

I really feel for you with a parent with a serious hoarding issue though. It sounds particularly stressful and if they don't want to get help then there's nothing you can do to change things permanently. Personally I'd consider moving when you see your mum at Christmas, so invite her for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, so you can still enjoy your DD's birthday and do your own thing on Christmas Day.

I watch the hoarding TV programmes, fascinated, with DD -- who we recognise has hoarding instincts. There must be lots of online support for relatives of hoarders. Very unlikely she will change, but you can find support to help you feel less nutty by what she does.

Look after yourself & your child first and foremost. It's not selfish. It's how you stay sane.

Thank you for your replies. I think I will stop visiting the house and meet her in a coffee shop or at mine. It's been going on for so long that I don't think it will change. I just feel so guilty that she's going to be even more alone and not completely her fault as it is a mental disorder. I'll have a think about Boxing Day plans for next year!

I haven't had any support for my time in care and am probably a bit screwed up because of it but I've done very well compared to a lot of others I knew and lived with.

I guess I do have to be selfish and put myself and DD first!