To ask about gifting to 'ex family

[fizzysister]

I was with my DS dad for 6 years and was SM to his son from 3 to 9. When we split, I would buy him clothes for bday and Xmas to the value of about £20 as ex was skint (and so was I tbf). When he reached 12, i thought it best to give him the cash to pick his own with and that's been the case until now. Ex and I were both still single until I met my DP a few yes ago and he has had a new DP for over a year. Until the situation changed I would go into the house, give SS (well, exSS) his gift/ card & money and everything was fine.

So the dynamic changed when new people entered the frame as is totally natural, however things have been deteriorating to the point that I've suggested mediation in the new year (not to put too fine a point on it, lack of communication and disrespect). There's no real conflict - in fact since I mentioned mediation he's already doing lots better - and my DS is certainly not aware of anything going on. It's meant though, that because im no longer 'allowed' in their house etc, that I've had very little contact with exSS, whenever I ask he's out or busy. But also for the past 3 occasions I've given him cards and money, I've had no acknowledgement or thanks. He's 15 now, I get that he's probably not interested in continuing our former relationship, but I think the spirit of gifting has left the building and I'm wondering if this is the right time to move away from cash gifts for him, give him a smellies set instead or something?

I'd send a card only. Maybe in it you could say you'd love to take him and your son to an event they'd both like for Christmas, and ask him to get in touch to arrange if he'd like to.do that. That way you are offering a gift but making it clear that you'd like him to make more of an effort.

That's a really nice idea nutbrown, thanks. I imagine that the adults in their family would assume foul play in view of the pending mediation but thats not something I'd worry about.

If you can afford it, I would carry on. Kids are often ungrateful and he may be hurt if you don’t keep up the tradition. It’s only as an adult I realise what people did for me and it sounds like the lad has been through enough without an extra rejection.

I agree it would feel like (or be!) a rejection if I gave him nothing at all, but I wouldn't do that.

Out of interest, what are your thoughts on if I stop gifting to him altogether when he reaches 18 as I do with nieces and nephews, may that also feel like a rejection?

He is your son's brother so send a card and small gift (no more than £10) in order to maintain a connection.
As for when he is 18, depends on him really. Two way street. If he puts nothing into the relationship with you (and his brother!) then why bother?!
To be honest though, he is 15. He could contact you, or come see you, independently of his dad and new stepmum.

Once they’re 18, I stop giving gifts/cash. Could you ask your ss what he’d like? If he asks for money, I’d say he’s not too bothered.

Thanks for these replies

I would keep sending money until he's 18 if you can possibly afford it. I agree he may appreciate it later.

How confident are you that DSS has actually received the card/money?
Plus ‘thank you’s often have to be prompted at a certain age as it generally doesn’t occur to teens to say thanks