To let DD phone her dad on Christmas Day?

[passemoilevin]

He was emotionally abusive (to me), takes a lot of drugs, I have a non mol against him. Not had any contact from him for a couple of months, which has been really lovely.

Just dropped DD (2) to the contact centre and he had left 3 bags of gifts for her for me to take home addressed from Father Christmas.

Feeling a bit awkward about it all. Should I let her phone him Christmas Day? I'm thinking no, it will just blur the boundaries and weaken my case if he breaks his non mol again. And I REALLY don't want him to think I'm opening up the idea of contact between us two. I'm just getting my anxiety sorted that he left me with.

But then I feel sad. For her, and a little bit for him (although I absolutely detest the man). He's very troubled, with a great deal of MH issues (doesn't excuse what he's done of course).

We've made Christmas cards. Should I write one to him from her and leave it with the staff when I go to collect her in an hour?

Send some pics from Christmas Day to her godfather (a mutual friend) to send on to him?

Or just do nothing?

Gahhh I'm glad he's made the effort but I'm unsure how to play this really.

Don’t do any of it. Hold firm. You have the no -mol for good reasons. Don’t blur the boundaries

I sympathise though. It’s that wish to be a “good” separated parent, to do the things you think you “should” do. But you can’t, because of his behaviour. You just can’t. Not for the moment at least.

Initially I thought give him a card but then realised - why should you? It's his own daughter he's bought presents for, not a neice or friend's kid. So no thanks needed from you for something that's between him and his DD. Wishing you a happy, peaceful Christmas

Don't respond at all. It's just bait to get you to make contact in some way ( a two year old can't write a card). I'd also be checking the contents of those bands of presents carefully.
A friend of mine in a similar situation found a framed wedding photography with the caption " mummy and daddy", cards with messages like "and tell mummy I liver her very much and give her a big kiss from me", knowing she would have to read it out to the child.
He thought he was being ever so clever and bypassing the non-molestation order. Turns out he was wrong on that count.

Bloody hell, autocorrect has gone to town on that, but you get the gist!

I wouldn't do anything in that situation. As others have said, at this age the cards are still from the parent and it could blur the boundaries.

It's also quite shitty of thing to think throwing presents at your DD will make things better when he doesn't contribute to her upbringing.

Do you have to wait until he turns up even if he's an hour late?

Do you have to wait until he turns up even if he's an hour late?

I live close so I just wait at home with DD, but it's still pretty irritating. And I got here at 12 to be told they'd extended it to 12.30 when they told me last week they'd be defining boundaries and telling him he had to start being on time and certainly wouldn't be giving him extra room time if he turned up late so I'm just sitting in the reception waiting again.

This thread has helped me massively. I read it and thought "No, he doesn't deserve anything" and then realised that I should be thinking that about my own situation. My abusive ex has court ordered supervised contact but because the contact centre is closed for Xmas I have to take DD out with him for a meal tomorrow. I don't really want to go at all and I definitely don't want to play happy families just because we're in a public place. I've not got him a present or a card from DD (she's 2) but I did send him one of her Christmas photos a few weeks ago. I just want to go, eat my food, let him play daddy and go home. I was feeling guilty for not playing along with it but I'm not now Why does it have to be so hard to know what to do for the best?

It's not about him (or you), it's about your daughter. She needs to be protected abuse and pain. Her father, unfortunately, sounds like something she needs to be protected from.

Do absolutely nothing- also give the presents back to him unless you are absolutely struggling

He clearly is a shit parent just for turning up one hour late without warning.

because the contact centre is closed for Xmas I have to take DD out with him for a meal tomorrow.

You really don't have to.

His abuse led to this situation, so you have to nothing. Make sure you protect yourself and your child.
There's a reason contact is in a contact centre.

@Lweji It was decided by Cafcass that he should be allowed time to exchange gifts and we'd be safe in a public place I really don't want to go.

Surely he could exchange gifts some days earlier or later. It doesn't have to be on a Sunday or Christmas day.

I hope all goes well.

That's awful bespawler, id really struggle with that. Hope it goes ok x

How is meeting for a meal supervised access?

Sorry to be daft, but I thought that the point of a contact centre was that there were trained staff supervising & the exes didn't have to be together?

bespawler that is just awful.

So gifts couldn't have been exchanged previously when the contact centre was open

It's no wonder some men don't make an effort-they're enabled by the bloody system!

Nothing. No card, no call, not a damned thing!

My BFF had an ex like yours. She did absolutely nothing for his birthdays, Xmas, Father's Day, etc until her son was old enough to ask her could he give a gift to his father. At that point she gritted her teeth and helped him choose something inexpensive cheap with no expectation of reciprocity.

bespawler, that's horrible! Is there someone who can go with you and perhaps sit nearby (if not at the same table)?

Bespawler you go to cafe
He sits with dc
You sit out of sight if you can
You not obliged to sit at a table with him
Or ask someone else to be there

Just got a text from his dad (last I heard from him was last month when he screamed at me whilst I had DD in my arms, I was letting him see her at my house to be kind) asking if he could come and pick her up on Christmas Day so her dad could see her. 🤦🏽‍♀️ so basically break all the rules set by social services. That was the reason for all the presents then. So predictable. Obviously said no. Waiting for the fallout now.

Also she opened a present in contact and it was a 2DS. She's 2! Im trying not to be nitpicky but honestly. How bizarre.

Stick to your guns. And remember that you don't have to answer the phone nor reply to texts or emails. Ignore ex's dad completely. In fact, if he starts shit, block him.

Whatever you do, don't break any SS rules and don't do anything that could be used by your DD's dad to set 'precedents' for future contact.

As far as the 2DS, sounds like one of those gifts that's really for the giver. I'd probably see if I could return it for something more practical, like a more age-appropriate small toy and spend the rest on clothing or other necessaries. Especially since he doesn't pay maintenance.

Yes sell the ds for something more appropriate.
Dd has done Xmas with her dad already. So just say she will see him at next contact centre time .

(I had one similar Xmas where it happened week begore at cafcass office) .

No card, she's not old enough to do that really. Maybe she could draw a picture which you could leave at the centre for him or you could choose one that she's already done and leave it for him.