To ask for board

[beanie26]

I have been a long time lurker on MN but never posted but am hoping that someone can give me some advice. DD and BF have been living with me for a year on the understanding that they were to save to get own place to rent but were paying me board at the same time. Both have good jobs and earn between them double my wage.

3 months ago, after death of own DF, I made decision to move to be near own DM. This involves me giving up own home, leaving job, moving away, etc. All sorted and move early next month. Dd and bf find flat to move into but landlord buying property so they have had to wait for that to go through.

As flat move was imminent and dd/bf hadn’t saved any money, I agreed that no board paid last 2 months. Fast forward to now, they have saved enough for flat but have also been spending money on themselves and having a lovely old time while I scrimp and save to pay bills, buy household stuff, etc.

Had enough yesterday and told DD that if they had enough money to go out spending they have enough to give me some board. Dd did not disagree (although she wasn’t too happy) and told me in her stroppy entitled way that I should have said something if I was struggling with money. I was doing it so they could save money!! Then last night, the flat they thought they had has fallen through, so now going to have to find another one. In 3 weeks!

AIBU to feel that they are taking the mickey and even though they need to find another flat now I should still insist on board being paid? They have enough for bond, etc. I feel a bit money grabbing but the money would help me out in the move (am not sure when I will next get a pay cheque). WWYD?

Er sounds like your circumstances have changed and your panicking and want the cash.
I do think they should pay something. But I think your cross your skint and she’s not.

Yes and no. They are young and clearly haven't yet learned what it is like to find for themselves. They are making the best of their position, and that's because you've allowed them too. Frankly, you could have given them only two months to save and move, but you agreed for them to stay until you wanted to move and they assumed that's was because it suited you too.

They are also right that you should have been clearer that you were indeed struggling with bills if that was the issue. Ultimately, your DD has learned a lesson through this and is now about to learn a bigger lesson. You need to let her go and learned that lesson herself.

Just sit down with them and tell them exactly how it is. They are adults. Explain that you are worried about money for you to move and that you need together to come up with solutions. Being angry at them because you're stressed about your situation is not going to help make things better.

I don't think YABU, you've already supported them to save their deposit, which they now have.

Are you providing meals etc, or are they doing their own cooking.?

YANBU. Totally reasonable to expect two adults to contribute to their own board - otherwise how will they manage when they do move out? No way should you be partially supporting your daughter’s working boyfriend!

Take a deep breath. It sounds like a stressful time all round. Can you look a wider support that you both need for you upcoming moves? It might be that the issues are getting muddled.

Not unreasonable at all to ask for rent/board, just do it with a clear head.

Thanks for this. They have known about the move for 3 months so I haven’t just sprung it on them. I guess I am just get frustrated with them both as I have been on at them to get sorted for months but they have no sense of responsibility between them. I was worried that the original flat would fall through at the end of Nov and told them then to get something else sorted. They paid no attention. It is only now ... 3 weeks before my move ... that they are now panicking that they have nowhere to go.

I am annoyed that I am skint and they’re spending but I am only skint because I have paid all the bills on my own for the last 2 months! I was only asking them to pay board for the monthly variables (gas, electric, water, etc.) anyway. They pay for their own food (and that is just food, no cleaning products, etc.). However, they seem to be feeding themselves by eating out every night! I guess I am more annoyed at myself as I have allowed their behaviour. I am not expecting them to pay for 2 months worth. I just want a contribution, more to reach them that they have to pay their way in life. I could get by without their board but I feel that why should I?

It’s becoming an increasingly frustrating situation tbh. They have both lived here for a year now and treat the house like a hotel!! No help with housework, etc. I should never have let the bf move in in the first place. Hindsight is a great thing!

YANBU and I feel for you. Our adult DC +1 moved back in with us at the beginning of the month and I fear we are going to be bankrupt before they leave. I'm ready to kill for a bit of personal space. Like yours ours are out merrily buying new phones etc while failing to contribute to the double food bill they are running up. Never again

Totally get the lack of space thing!! I don’t have a very big house

To be fair, when they are home, they spend most of their time in DF’s bedroom. It’s just the lack of consideration that makes me so cross. Both v untidy and leave stuff everywhere (and I can’t even start on the bedroom!). And they are only happy when things going their way on their terms. And when it’s not, the atmosphere is unbearable. It’s been a tough year with losing DF and get no support from either of them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect them to look after me ... they are young and should be out enjoying themselves! I want that for both of them. But they can’t have it all their own way ... they have to pay their way! And nothing would make me happier than to see them sorted in their own place. But a little bit of thought or consideration at times wouldn’t go a miss!

My own move is all sorted (bar the goodbyes, which I can’t even begin to think about yet 😢). Just want these two sorted out. I have tried to support and guide them but they pay no attention. I guess the only way for them to learn is to just let them go and work it out for themselves.