To be unable to forgive this?

[otterliegorgeous]

This goes back many years but I’m still annoyed about it.

My dad died abroad. He drowned, and no one is sure why but think he possibly hit his head.

It was obviously a really horrible time. My mum had died five years before that and I was only 22 and sort of felt like I needed an ‘adult’ :)

My dad had one brother and he and his wife, so my aunt and uncle, should really have been the ones to help. Instead, they were awful. They told my disabled younger brother he’d have to move out and sell our house as my dads insurance wouldn’t pay to bring him home (this wasn’t true but it caused us a LOT of anxiety) and kept saying how worried my dad was about us both (don’t think this was true either really but anyway it made us both feel bad and guilty.)

It was all just very OTT and after the dust settled I just never saw them.

Anyway they’ve sent me a Christmas card. So I am wondering if my pissed off feelings were because of grief and I overreacted or if my feelings are about right? I just feel that rather than try and comfort and help two young people they did everything they could to be dramatic and theatrical about it and caused a lot of distress to us both.

Yes I don't think you would be unreasonable to throw it straight in the recycle bin.

Thanks! Wondered if I was just being a bit petty.

It was a traumatic time for you and your brother. Instead of reassuring you they gave you needless worry and shite.
Bin that card girlie.
Hope you gave a great Christmas. X

Yes bin it and forget them. Horrible sounding people, your poor brother and you. So sorry to have read this and I do hope your life is happier now xx

Feelings are neither right nor wrong IMHO, though it's taken me a long, long while to understand that. Thinking that my feelings were 'wrong' caused me huge anxiety for many years.

Your feelings are entirely understandable and I'm sorry you had such an awful time. Bin that card and move on.

They clearly handled the situation badly.

Your uncle will have been shocked and upset too and sounds like he panicked and took his stress out on you rather than trying to protect you from it.

Perhaps he was clumsy and insensitive rather than deliberately nasty?

Were you at all.close to them before your dad died? Were your father and brother close? Your uncle may have been grief stricken too or perhaps they were afraid they'd be left responsible for you and your brother...either way, emotions alwAys run high when someone dies. But you were the two young people being left orphaned and whose lives were most affected, and the fact that they then didn't contact you for years would have been v disappointing. For this reason alone you could chuck the card. Or perhaps you would like to get in touch? Really the choice is yours - think about it and if you decide to leave it alone you are quite entitled to - what does your brother feel?

If my niece and nephew were orphaned I’d do everything in my power to help them. These people sound like jerks. I wouldn’t bother with them unless you think they’re genuinely sorry and have changed.

Death often brings out the worst in people. Some people, it's out of character, others, just who they really are.

When there is a sudden death, it's shocking and the unexpected grief can take many forms. It.sounds as if they behaved badly, even callously. Once they had come to terms with what had happened they could have been supportive and rallied.rpund.

I think the above poster is right to add if you were close before loosing your Father. You have every right to ignore it or you can.open the door of communication. Are you curious? Do you want to tell them.gow you feel.about what happened? I think this about is about you. You are at a crossroads but neither path is wrong.

Good luck OP

We weren’t close at all ... it was all pretty strange! I just felt so angry with them for shit stirring. My brother and I were young but both adults at the time.

Sorry about the typos, infected finger and broken screen

Bin it!! YANBU at all. How utterly callous of them to cause your brother and you such added trouble in a time of grief.

Hmmmm if it was the only thing he did wrong, is it possible he really believed it? It can cost thousands to re patriate a body. If he didn't have that he may well have believed that the money needed to come from your dads estate As awful as that is.

People don't do well with grief, if that was the only time he was bad to you and you'd like a family relationship maybe
Send a card wishing them the best in the new year?

It all comes down to whether you want a relationship with them

Bin it and move on with your life. Sounds like you've been through an awful lot and they weren't there for you when you needed parental-like support and comfort. Stay close with your brother and stick together. You never need to forgive people that that have let you down so badly. Wishing you a lovely Christmas xxx

I have relatives who feel that the best way to deal with a crisis is to make a huge amount of drama and anxiety about it.

It is never helpful or positive to do so. And it most certainly isn't kind.

Your uncle behaved badly towards you and your brother. Bin the card. Forget about him. You're good.

I am so sorry you and your brother lost your Dad like that. Very sad and I can’t imagine the added trauma and difficulties.

They may be wanting to reach out: it may be because they realise they let you down and genuine, it may be self-serving and to make them feel good about themselves.

Does the card give any clue!

Are You and your brother the only links your uncle has to blood family?

Anyway Christmas cards are not something that require immediate response. Ignore it until you decide what to do.

The fact that you didn’t have a first gut response of ‘how lovely that they thought of is and made contact ‘ suggests that you don’t actually want to e in touch. And that is fine.

Maybe, and only if you wanted to, it would help at some stage to tell
Them how you felt at the time. But only if they are generally decent people.

I am sorry it has stirred stuff up for you.