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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to cancel Christmas?

20 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 23/12/2017 01:19

Pregnant, hormonal and hugely upset. Posting in AIBU for traffic as I genuinely need opinions. We've just found out today that my Nana's cancer has returned, in the brain, and it's terminal. It will likely be a matter of weeks rather than months. She's been aware for some time that she's been unwell, but didn't want to tell us before Christmas so as not to ruin it for us (she's pretty much opted out of Christmas since my Grandad passed away 8 years ago this coming January). It turns out she's been having increasing amounts of falls (to the point where it's several a day) losing her words and becoming increasingly forgetful. DM and I noticed the word loss and a general scattyness, and wondered if she was getting dementia, but a brain tumour didn't even occur to us. I've not spoken to her myself today since she came home from hospital following the admission for testing, but DM said she couldn't even uphold her end of the conversation without prompts from my Auntie who was with her. This to me says it's got a good grip, and not going to be long for her.

None of us feel like doing Christmas. DM said to my Nana when she told us why she'd kept it from us rather than admitting she was ill and asking for help, that we're only doing it for my DS. My DS is only 21 months, so I don't know if I should suggest that we not actually bother with Christmas day as we'd planned (DP, DS and I were spending the day at DM's with my siblings. We cook between us, but she has more space). He'll be none the wiser, and under the circumstances, I hope I'll not be hit by Mammy guilt down the line for not bothering. What do people think? Are we better of giving it up as a bad job, or trying to persevere with a low key day?

(Nana will be spending the day at home with some of the family, we haven't transport for us all to get through there on the day, plus it may be overwhelming when she's suddenly quite weak. We'll visit Christmas Eve if she's up to it, then I personally won't be able to visit again until the day after boxing day when the buses resume).

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 23/12/2017 01:25

I’d talk to your mum and siblings and see how they feel. You may find comfort in being all together. It doesn’t have to be a big Christmas but more about appreciating each other. But everyone/family is different in how they process such emotions. You DS will like the Christmas things but not have any understanding of how the day is meant to run nor remember much of it the following year to compare.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, it’s just about what’s best for you all.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/12/2017 01:32

I agree with Middle Especially There’s no right or wrong answer here, it’s just about what’s best for you all.

Whether you do "christmas" or not is immaterial. But do spend the day/time together. I think you'll all appreciate it later, and also at the time because you can all support each other. Sometimes being able to talk without the main person being there is hugely helpful.

SleightOfMind · 23/12/2017 01:37

You’re right that it won’t mean a thing to your DS but people might be saying they want to do it for him Because they’d actually like to be together but don’t want to insist on it themselves.

Talk to the rest of the family and see how everyone else feels.

I’m very sorry about your poor Nan. It sounds like she is very loved and has a wonderful family around her.

LineyRunner · 23/12/2017 01:38

Go low key and spend some quiet, gentle time together. Everything else can wait.

Gifts for children, t.v. films, is fine.

You know what, death is part of the circle of life. Even at Christmas.

Weezol · 23/12/2017 01:40

What bloody awful news for you all. I am so sorry this has happened to your family.
It might be an idea to still get together for mutual support and talking as PP have suggested. You don't need to 'do Christmas' as such.

Nothomealone · 23/12/2017 02:07

A lot of forced jollity is unlikely to work for you, but as others have suggested being together as a family may be good. You can be reflective and supportive together.

Glitterandunicorns · 23/12/2017 02:56

So sorry to hear your sad news. Just do whatever you need to.

StarWarsFanatic · 23/12/2017 03:21

I am sorry that this is happening OP.

I agree with PPs who said talk to your DM and siblings and see what they all want to do but even if they all decide to go ahead if you don't feel up for it then don't.

Your child really won't know the difference so there would be no need to feel guilty.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 23/12/2017 03:41

Thanks for all of your replies. I just needed some outside perspective; I'm far from my most rational at the moment.

We'll spend the day together in any case, I just worry that I'm putting extra pressure on them at a really shitty time to do something they don't want to do.

I'm seeing DM tomorrow. She's giving us a lift to MILs to taks DS to the panto with all of his cousins which I feel about as much like doing as sticking hot pins in my eyes. DS will love it, and it will only be the second time MIL will have had all of her brood together and she's been excited since we booked in October, so I'll paste a face on for a few hours. DP called and told her, so she'll know if I need to excuse myself it's so I'm not moping and spoiling the day for the kids. We spark off eachother a lot, but she means well, despite driving me mad. I'm not taking the nice day away from her. I'll see what they all want to do.

I'm heartbroken that not only will Nana not meet DS2, she likely won't even know about him/her. I was waiting until Christmas Day to announce to the family, it now feels inappropriate to tell her, as she'll know as well as we do that she'll not be around. It's early enough that I'm not showing, so it feels kinder to keep it to myself. It's quite the emotional rollercoaster, and it's hard to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 23/12/2017 03:45

*DC2

OP posts:

Lindibop · 23/12/2017 03:52

OP, what a sadness for all of you. Im so sorry.

For what its worth I think you should tell you Nana about the baby.

hevonbu · 23/12/2017 04:02

I think so too. It can be a relief that someone little arrives and lives on. As for Christmas it's perfectly OK to spend the days at home in a low-key fashion, of one feels this to be the best. It's even OK to buy readymade Christmassy food at the supermarket should one not want to bother with cooking. It's OK to stay on and listen to the radio or TV and even OK to watch some film unrelated to Christmas on Netflix or YouTube if one feels the Christmas activities are too much.

hevonbu · 23/12/2017 04:03

if, in... which I proofread first, will start that now.

Yahdayah · 23/12/2017 04:18

Sending you a big hug.

It might be quite nice for you all to spend the day together still, I imagine it’s all very raw for you all.

Congratulations re DC2! One of my grandparents were very ill towards the end of my sisters pregnancy and although they never got to meet baby it did give hope and something positive for people to remember when it got really tough.

I always like to fast forward a year, two years, five years etc. and look back to now as to what decision I’d regret most; but whatever you decide to do on either account, you’ll make the right decision for you and your family.

Chocfingers · 23/12/2017 05:12

OP - I don't mean to sound harsh but your Nan has had the very good fortune to watch her children and grandchildren grow and the arrival of at least one DGC. Her time is now coming to a close and, whilst that's sad for all of you, I think you should celebrate life and light on Christmas Day. There will be difficult times ahead but your nan will face them with her family beside her.

Take a look at this piece from Kate Gross which might give you some perspective and guidance.

donemychristmasshop · 23/12/2017 05:41

I can relate to a fair bit of this.
It’s my mums last Christmas, just having it me , her, dp And dc 2.2 and 5 weeks. Literally doing a roast chicken with veg and potatoes and she’s having a Xmas pudding after with her brandy butter that she likes. We will have crackers and stuff and I’ve brought her a little Xmas tree which she has in her room at the nursing home.
I obviously had dc2 recently and she was diagnosed with the brain tumour July 2016 and is expected to last until Jan 2018 (not Long away).
It is fucking well exhausting spending time with her (memory loss meaning I have to prompt her on every 3rd word pretty much) but especially with DC2 , I could’ve held off conceiving etc but that’s the circle of life isn’t it , birth and death , she will be happy for you.

NotAChristmasCakePop · 23/12/2017 07:11

Oh I'm so sorry to hear your news. Chat to people and see how they feel. Maybe they'll want to see DS enjoying the day to cheer themselves up? Or maybe it will just be a case of we've got all the stuff in now, so lets cook and eat, but I'm sure you'll find support from each other.

Aftereights91 · 23/12/2017 07:15

I'd tell your nana about the baby. My nana passed before I was pregnant but I know without a shadow of a doubt that she'd have been thrilled to think of a new family member, even if she was not going to be able to see them. You have my sympathies

MiddleClassProblem · 23/12/2017 10:35

I’d tell her too. Even if it only lasts as a moment’s distraction from what she’s going through, even if you don’t get the reaction you expect, I think knowing that she knows/has been told (depending on how easily she remembers things) could be something you’d regret if you didn’t tell her if you get the chance x

chloesmumtoo · 23/12/2017 10:50

I feel you all need to talk as a family on how you all want to spend christmas and see what everyone can cope with. Your ds will bring much comfort to the family seeing him, little children brighten up the darkest times. I believe being together will help as a family, but you have to think of what you want and can cope with too. Sorry your going through this. I also think your nana would love to here your news about baby and you could regret not telling her. Wish you all the strength for this difficult time

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