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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that large friendship groups always end up being cliquey or unsuppoprtive in the long run?

21 replies

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 22/12/2017 12:55

When I was pregnant with DC2 I ended up becoming part of an online group of women having babies at the same time. About 40 of us in total.

It started off being a lifesaver, everyone was supportive and shared problem with pregnancy and babies and relationships that we didn't feel comfortable sharing in real life.

Over the past year or so people have started meeting in RL. Which is great, I suppose. Had a big party once too.

But those of us who don't live near anyone else from the group or can't attend the big parties just... slowly get pushed out. So you notice when you post something, more people reply to certain people, and others get more ignored.

It reminds me of being at school sometimes. What started as something supportive slowly becomes cliquey, even if people don't mean to do that. And then other people lose their support. It makes me feel sad.

AIBU to think this always ends up happening in larger groups?

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 22/12/2017 16:17

It must be difficult but I aagree, 40 is a very large group of friends to maintain, so I think it's only natural for some to splinter off in different mini groups, especially if they live near each other.

Are there any who live near you? If so, perhaps you could create your own mini group?

CurryWorst · 22/12/2017 16:19

40 people in a group are not friends. They are at best acquaintances. you are not being pushed out, it's just that 40 people is not a friendship group and never will be.

It's not cliquey either. It's people making actual friends within this random group of people. It's your perception of it that is the problem here.

Original poster

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 22/12/2017 19:38

You're right, it is my perception.

It's just dawned on me recently that it's like leaping back in time to school. Where there's lots of you and everyone is very friendly at the start, but then you gradually realise that you're not the Funny One, or the Really Interesting One, or the Really Nice One. IYKWIM. Sort of a flashback to mediocre school days. And an unexpected and unpleasant one (not deliberately by anyone involved) in your late 30s

OP posts:

Original poster

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 22/12/2017 19:40

I suppose AIBU to suddenly feel quite sad about this

OP posts:

Pumpkinpie657 · 22/12/2017 23:02

I agree with you OP; an almost identical thing happened to me and the group imploded. It’s a shame but I don’t think avoidable.

Greebz · 22/12/2017 23:10

I don't think you can have a friendship group of more than about 6 without it becoming cliquey / splitting! With a group of 40 I would think it was inevitable! Was it NCT? I thought their groups were much smaller than that.

Maelstrop · 22/12/2017 23:12

I’ve never had a group of online friends in that way. I’m on several forums and ‘known’ due to an incident and retaining the same name forever. Everyone was hugely supportive and it honestly helped me no end, but when I no longer needed help, the support just fell away.

Friendship is such an odd thing: some people will realise they have more in common with only a few others so are closer and others will be edged out, possibly unconsciously. I have a handful of very good friends IRL and loads in the virtual world who would have driven hundreds of miles in my time of crisis, but now might not even acknowledge me.

LoniceraJaponica · 22/12/2017 23:14

I agree. I think the optimum number is 4 or 6. More than that it splits into different factions.

Bloopbleep · 22/12/2017 23:17

I deliberately don’t form any close bonds with people in these groups so I don’t have to experience being excluded from cliques. There’s always a formula to group formation and friendship development and it’s the same process online as it is offline, inevitably the group will break up into smaller cliques. It’s just human nature. If you don’t invest much emotional time in these groups and take them for what they are (useful at times) then you won’t feel like you’re missing out so much. Easier said than done I know

Original poster

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 23/12/2017 07:25

I did invest a lot of.emotional time into the group, maybe that's the problem. We were all having babies at the same time, it felt like such a bonding thing. But of course it couldn't stay like that.

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 23/12/2017 07:32

I've been in two of these groups - both antenatal groups from mn that migrated on to facebook.

One has pretty much imploded but is still just about limping along. I don't post there anymore and no longer expect anything from it.

The second one however is still going strong (from my POV!). It's been 4 years and a few people have left here and there but we've still got appox 50 members. I think we were very lucky in that most of us just happened to be similar people with similar senses of humour. Our parenting styles vary but not in a way that seems to cause upset.
I'd be really sad if it went the way of other large groups. I do rely on it and feel like i've made some real friends there.

Agree that we're probably the exception though!

Original poster

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 23/12/2017 07:46

Apocalypse, it's very similar to your second group but all of a sudden it's... not imploded but sort of accidentally become cliquey. It felt like such a support but suddenly it seems some of us are on the outside. There's a main group of FTM's who don't work at the moment and they post very regularly and meet up if they can and those of us who work and can't or don't aren't being excluded as much, just not responded to the same way. It's probably natural and just what happens but it feels a bit like a support line is being withdrawn

OP posts:

Getoffthetableplease · 23/12/2017 07:46

Are we in the same group ?!

I know exactly what you mean. When you invest a lot of emotion and time in any group it feels tough to just let it fizzle out. People are bound to group off together to an extent, but I agree it sucks when you feel you're left without anyone after all that time

PaperBagPrincesa · 23/12/2017 07:50

Forty too many.

Dont try to be part of the Main gang. Thrre are always a few who are inexplicably given disproportionate attention.
Focus on the ones nearest to you who respond to your interest in them. If out of forty you get a group of three near to you then you will have done well.

ApocalypseNowt · 23/12/2017 08:08

Mycutie I think what also helps my group is that we're very evenly spread out around the country (so you could only get a 'clique' of 2 or 3 max) and I think FTMs are in single digits.

Also at the start of the group something very tragic happened which I think helped us form a strong bond.

I'm sorry you feel you're support line is being taken away......if there's a few you have a better connection with than the others maybe try and focus on those people (not to make your own clique but to maintain the support ifswim?) xx

RemainOptimistic · 23/12/2017 08:09

Yup sounds familiar!

I think a large part of it is that some people post constantly they then get all the responses as they're "known". But I still don't have an explanation why some people get loads of sympathetic comments while others get ignored even when having a really hard time and needing support. My group has one particular drama queen who treats the group like her own personal family therapy group, comments on every post, posts 10-15 times a day. Caused a huge kerfuffle a few weeks ago by declaring she wasn't going to post anymore because she couldn't be sure who was in the group - she'd gone through the members list and identified the mums who didn't post often - that really pissed me off. Often it's the mums who don't post much who gain the most in terms of support. Anyway if it was up to me I would have sent her a pm saying stop bullying other group members - but instead there was an "amnesty" where people had to check in with a pic of their baby to prove they were real. I was shouting at my phone by this point!

It was a lovely group at the beginning but you're right, it couldn't have lasted like that forever. It's bloody sad though!

Donnerkebabbler · 23/12/2017 08:18

OP please try not to equate it to school. I had the same school experience and it’s not pleasant or good for self esteem but it’s not the same thing as has happened with your what’s app group. In (admittedly much smaller groups) I find I really only respond to certain people because I click with them. It’s not a reflection on them, just people I have less in common with. Find a much much smaller group. Good luck

Ilovehamabeads · 23/12/2017 08:20

I was part of a big group like that, when expecting my second dc. He's 10 now and I'm down to being good friends with just 2 of them and fb friends with a handful more. As the babies get older I think the need for constant chat, reassurance, questions etc all becomes less. You aren't all going through the same thing at the same time any longer.

Gennz18 · 23/12/2017 08:23

I don't think this is necessarily true. I have been friends with the same group of girls since I started high school in 1993. Our friendships have ebbed and flowed over the years. There are some girls I am closer to and see more than others, some of us are married with kids, some single, some somewhere in between, some very career orientated some not. There are about 30 of us - the group has expanded to include younger sisters, their mates, girls we weren't so close to at school but have gone to uni with or travelled with.

We've been through all sorts - career crises, infertility, relationship breakdowns, losing babies. I can go months without seeing them - sometimes it's just once a year at Christmas drinks - but if the shit hit the fan they'd would be there for me as I would be for them.

I think assuming female friendships end up bitchy or cliquey does women a disservice.

BlueThesaurusRex · 23/12/2017 08:25

I was in a Babycentee birth club group which migrated to FB after a fight on the birth board.

The FB group became a slagging off board for BC.

the FB group had private messages screenshot and posted on BC so some people moved a group to Whatsapp... which began slagging off the FB group.

At this point I realised it was pointless trying to form friendships with a group of women where all we had in common was squeezing out a kid at similar times!

puzzledamos · 03/01/2019 19:08

I went to a NY party at my husband's friend's house. There has been a group of six of us for 8 years the husbands have known each other for longer but us three women have grown close over the years. We all live a distance apart so only meet a few times a year. The other two women have grown closer over the past two years due to me having a baby and haven't been able to meet as much as a group. To cut a long story short the two women talked about FaceTiming and ringing each other in my presence. Neither of them have attempted to ring or FaceTime me or to make our friendship stronger. When it was time to give out our silly presents the two women disappeared upstairs and it was obvious they were giving each other nicer presents. I felt so upset isolated and alone and would never have done that to someone who was at my house. I don't want to ever see either of them again but it is going to make it awkward for my husband which I don't want. I was possibly thinking of texting one of them who I am closer to as we live closer and are able to see each other more. I feel so angry and upset about it and it is eating me up. Should I cut off all ties or go completely silent. It is school yard behaviour and very mean what they did. Do you think I am being unreasonable. If the shoe was on the other foot I would never give a nicer present to one woman while the other was there and make it so obvious. Or even talk about texting and phoning while in someone else's presence as I wouldn't want the other person the feel left out.

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