TRIGGER WARNING - to feel there's too much water under the bridge?

[Lizzie48]

This is a long post so please bear with me. DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. We have 2 adopted DDs (8 and 5, birth sisters separately adopted at 1 year old) who take up a lot of our life, especially DD1 who has Attachment Disorder.

We still love each other, but we haven't managed to have sex in over 4 years, I actually can't remember the last time. There's just so much water under the bridge that I'm not sure we can start again.

We've been through infertility and the adoption process. My FIL died in a car accident 8 months after we got married and MIL has been needing a lot of support from DH since then. She relies on him much more than BIL and his family.

But the main issue is my past and my family. DSis and I are SA survivors, we were abused by our father and others including our DB, though he himself was abused as well but not by F. My DM has always maintained that she knew nothing about it and this has been a very upsetting time for her too, she always ends up crying when we talk about it and says she doesn't want me to ruin her time with her DGDs.

Our abusive F is dead, my DB has serious MH problems and my DSis and I have both been diagnosed with PTSD. The memories were suppressed for years and I developed distressing flashbacks from the past abuse, which I had had in previous years though not to the same extent. This was mainly triggered when the DDs reached the age DSis and I was when the abuse started, which was 6 (me) and 4.

I couldn't allow my DH near me after that. My DM tried to persuade me that I needed to 'lie down and think of England', as it wasn't right to deprive him of sex. We went away for the night while she babysat and we did try. I had distressing flashbacks of being raped and couldn't open my legs at all. I think my DH was traumatised by that as well as me, and for a long time neither of us could bring ourselves to try again.

It was never that great. I had difficulties with penetration because I would freeze and have distressing images, though I didn't understand why at the time. I also suffered with heavy bleeding until I had a D&C 4 years ago.

In addition, DH had erectile difficulties, which seems a minor issue compared to everything else, though it caused a lot of stress in the past.

Now I just can't imagine being able to start again with him. I don't want a life with no intimacy, but I don't think I can face it with him, IYSWIM. But I don't see how I could start again with someone else either, as I would have serious trust issues where my DDs are concerned. I'm also worried about how they'll cope if we do split up, especially DD1.

And I do love my DH and I know that he loves me and I really don't want to hurt him. But it feels like we're just parents and friends but not lovers anymore. And I don't see how it can be enough for either of us.

I'm also not in a good place. I'm on anti-depressants and I've had a long-term struggle with alcohol. I've had attempts at therapy, including EMDR, which has stopped the distressing flashbacks. But the emotional turmoil just won't stop, and it's left me exhausted and unable to feel anything.

This sounds so depressing, reading it back, I hate the way I'm feeling, at a time when my DDs are excitedly looking forward to Christmas! I know there are people on here who have dealt with similarly traumatic childhood abuse so I'm wondering if you can give me advice.

Thank you for reading this. I've posted this in Relationships as well, but I haven't had many replies so I'm posting for traffic.

Honestly i dont really know what to say. I am 19 and have been a victim of SA as well as physical and emotional, and i understand the flashbacks and those feelings but not quite to the extent that you have. I firstly would like to say i am so sorry for what you and your family have been through. However, i dont think you and your DH should split as you clearly love each other dearly and want to try help each other.
I dont really have many suggestions other than keep having nights away, but dont try force intimacy, just go for a meal, watch a film, cuddle in bed. Have no intentions of sex and maybe itll lead somewhere? Have a few glasses of wine each and try break that tension first? Come home and giggle and have fun, give each other massages, tickles, cuddles, try get comfortable with each other without thinking about sex. Try get close again, without being intimate. Try be like those little loved up teenagers you see, write letters, love notes etc, leave each other post it notes telling the other one to smile. Get back that emotional intimacy and the sexual may follow.
Hope this helps.
I wish you the best x

I'm sure someone with alot better advice will be soon along. I think sex is the least of your worries, you've all experienced so much trauma and need to work through it all to heal. I'd put intimacy on the back burner for now and give counselling a go.

Thank you for the kind words. I think you're right, sex is the least of our worries. I guess I hate feeling that I might never be able to enjoy something that other people take for granted. And I hate feeling that I'm letting my DH down, I guess I've listened to my DM too much.

Just to add, I'm low contact with my DM now, as she considers herself the expert on everything and she's so stressful to be around. I'm angry with myself for listening to her advice about our sex life and my DH has had enough of her interference. I'd go NC if our DDs weren't already attached to her. And if I didn't feel guilt at the thought of how upset she would be.

I think you should concentrate on other parts of your relationship. Possibly even couples therapy? I think you should definitely stop listening to your mum and focus on you and how you feel and think about things x

Firstly, remember that the no sex part, often occurs in relationships after children have been born without adding to it what you have been through.
Couples are tired as your lives suddenly revolve around these tiny humans who take up every minute of your time.
How about spending time together at first, without the expectation that something sexual will happen? Maybe a few times going out and just chatting and laughing. Then work your way up to kissing again- and remind yourselves why you liked kissing each other to begin with.
Then when comfortable, start introducing foreplay at a level that you are both comfortable with. Then take it from there.
But don't have the expectation that it will happen over night. Do each step for a few months, and only when you are both ready, do you move on to the next.
But the biggest thing is keep the lines of communication open between each other. If you feel a certain way then say why. If you want to or don't want to do something- tell the other person. Don't expect the other person to mind read, because as soon as you do that's when things will start to be misinterpreted X

Thank you for the advice. The difficulty is in getting my DH to actually talk about how he's feeling! He just doesn't do therapy. He went to a counselling appointment under sufferance after losing his dad and never went back. He's very private.

He also hasn't shown any emotion since he grieved for his dad, and he didn't really deal with that; he said he's unable to cry at all now. He also lost his DGPs not long afterwards and he didn't show any emotion at all, despite having been really close to them. I think he just felt he had to be strong for his DM.

He showed no emotion about the infertility, either, which made me think he didn't care. He hasn't expressed much emotion about my past either, although he has shown understandable anger at times. I think he feels I need him to be strong whereas I'd rather he'd just tell me!

I'd rather he'd just tell me he's finding it hard, it just feels like he doesn't care, though I know he does. It doesn't bode well for couples therapy.

Theres an initiative called men in sheds, the idea is men talk shoulder to shoulder not face to face. They go and tinker and fix things whilst having "therapy" but not in a traditional sense. Therapy Is not for everyone and that's OK, maybe explore other options such as that one

That's very interesting and it does sound like an option, thank you, Mulch. My DH likes to be active.