Just an update.

[BadFeminist]

Just an update. Not an AIBU.

DP didn't go to the works do last night. He took his reticence to the M.D. of the entire company and he said it's fine.

Last night around 10 he got a load of messages from a colleague, A, asking about his relationship with As girlfriend B ( who is the one I mentioned doesn't leave DP alone) and then accusing him of sleeping with her and also that IM the one who has messaged A and told him all of this.

A lot of back and forth ensued, B has been messaging me and DP different stories (clearly they do not realise we are laid in bed next to eachother comparing everything), why I needed to be dragged into it I don't know?
I've never actually spoken to A, and B gave me a wide birth in Work because I knew about an affair she's had with my supervisor, plus the whole sniffing around DP in front of me before she knew we were an item which I'm sure is really embarrassing.
I've then spoken to a friend of ours who has said A has been sat in tears because he was planning on confronting DP that night. I do really feel sorry for him, she's been round 2 other members of staff since last July and I'm sure he feels like a laughing stock, but if your girlfriend goes to work do's pissed up and deep throats beer bottles at colleagues (DP was holding my hand WHILST she did this ffs) you'd probably just think you should leave her?

DP has gone into work today and made formal grievances against both A and B and his manager has basically said this isn't the first time it's happened (last time it involved a pregnant wife) and that A and B will be sacked as soon as the office opens in January (A and B didn't turn up to work today). Apparently it was insinuated there are some changes going on and a lot of the staff aren't going to like it.

DP handled it remarkably well. He's pissed off, understandably, the whole thing made me feel a bit shit and disturbed a fairly peaceful evening.

He has also agreed to go to the DRs regarding the PTSD thanks to some really helpful posters on my last thread.

Six months until he can leave. Yay.

MN can actually be really helpful so thanks.

Can you link to previous thread?

Link to the old thread please.

Link please

What - HR actually told him that two members of staff will be fired?

Sounds highly unprofessional to me.

Old thread?

It was deleted.

Essentially I didn't want DP going to a mandatory work party. There is a lot of drug use and shitty behaviour in that office (we went together last year as I worked there with him, two colleagues joked after it that they had planned to spike DPs drinks with pills to see what he would do (DP doesn't drink or do drugs).

I was worried it would end up with DP losing his rag and fighting. He has PTSD that he refuses to acknowledge DP is ex military. Lots of posters here have apparently got an issue with military and it got rather heated and was deleted.

It did however cause an influx of really helpful posters PMing me some really useful advice that I didn't actually know was available to him.

So yay. And I was right. That place is toxic

It's a medium sized branch of a huge company and this office is renowned for its shittyness.

DP is Leaving. He just can't yet as the position he is moving into with a different company isn't ready until June and he needs to keep the relationships with his current clients until then.

I remember the thread - block her and tell DP to block her if you havent already. See what Jan brings

I remember your thread OP - really glad that things got sorted out in the end.

I hope that your DP gets some help for his PTSD, you must be really relieved that he's agreed to see someone.

Hope he gets some EMDR therapy for his PTSD. It's amazing and is now recommended by NICE for PTSD. Also starts working quickly IME - more quickly than CBT and talking therapies.

They got blocked pretty much as soon as I got the first message request, I let them both tie themselves in knots and then blocked them. I only have messenger and they aren't on my Facebook.

I hope that your DP gets some help for his PTSD, you must be really relieved that he's agreed to see someone. 

Well a couple of posters PMed me actual military help, his main problem being a civvy doctor wouldn't understand

I'm not sure I understand your last sentence, but for EMDR it doesn't matter that the therapist is a civilian, though I realise that sounds crazy.

Look into EMDR - you initially give a summary of the various traumas (like a sentence or so on each), so give the publicly acceptable summary of what happened. "In 2003 I was in an attack at x where y died." This 'labels' the trauma for ease of reference. Then you look at coping methods for a couple of sessions, finding ways to calm you down after the actual EMDR sessions. Then you pick one of the traumas and spend a number of sessions doing EMDR as follows:

You chose the worse part of the traumatic memory that you can remember (there may be worse bits you've blocked that come out later). Then you imagine yourself back into the scene, and then it's probably 1 min (?) periods of you remembering, and going in your thoughts wherever they lead. You don't say a word. The therapist periodically reminds you you are now safe, whilst (and this is apparently the key thing) either tapping you from side to side, or you press buzzers, one in each hand, or your eyes follow something from side to side. This sounds utterly nuts but NICE have approved it for PTSD because it's proven to work. Apparently the side to side motion helps your brain to process the 'stuck' traumatic memories. After each 1 min block you come out of the memory, and tell the therapist how you feel in your body. It's amazing that usually the tension you feel at the start dissipates. You may need to do the worse parts of the memory many times. It feels like you're getting the poison out. After a while you can think about the trauma without it affecting your emotionally, and the PTSD symptoms decrease.

So your brain is doing the mending, as it's almost entirely in silence. Therefore the therapist doesn't need to be military because there's nothing to discuss. Hope that makes sense, PM if you want to know more. I'm being treated this way currently.

I understand where he's coming from - I had CBT previously with a therapist who didn't understand the type of work I did, and it was just incredibly frustrating because she was giving reassurances and making comments that I knew to be factually wrong, and brought her own assumptions and prejudices into the therapy. She actually made stuff worse and she stirred things up and then I was left to deal with the emotional fall out.

I remember OP's previous thread but cannot follow this one

Sorry, that was to a previous poster. He says his main issue is because civvy doctors haven't seen what he's seen and wouldn't understand and he really doesn't want to go back through it.

I think he's scared to go back through some of his experiences. He's told me partial stories and they've rocked me to my core, so I understand but he can't just live with it and push it to one side.

He's really interested in Combat Stress and what they can do because it's military on military. I think there's reassurance there going back to camaraderie of the army.

I'm really glad, I wouldn't have ever had "the chat" if it weren't for a few of the more extreme posters, I'd just booked the appointment and left it be.

Lots of posters here have apparently got an issue with military and it got rather heated and was deleted. That is rubbish, people got very concerned about your safety and you minimising his violence. It got heated and side tracked but not because he was ex military.

Anyway I am glad to hear he is seeking help and leaving his job. Wish you all the best.

I'd have thought the firm would be in difficulties in sacking people for things they do outside working hours that have nothing to do with their work duties. Unless they haven't yet been there for two years, of course.

Lots of posters here have apparently got an issue with military and it got rather heated and was deleted. That is rubbish, people got very concerned about your safety and you minimising his violence. It got heated and side tracked but not because he was ex military.

I got a few pms from posters saying MN is very anti Military. That's all.

Glad he is getting help OP.

Would agree with previous poster. OP's initial posts were shocking - PTSD or not, he sounded utterly dangerous and OP was minimising. Very good that he has agreed that he needs to accept help.

Your last thread got derailed because people were concerned you were trying to 'save' him and had turned a violent, unstable man into a fairytale romance where the strong romantic heroine (you) saves the suffering, broken, hero (him)

He needs serious help. He is a liability to himself and others around him.

No - MN is anti meatheads, in my experience.

And perhaps also anti the idea that because someone is military and has had some shocking experiences, that excuses violent, dangerous behaviour. Because they're heroes, yes?

There is no deference to the idea of a military background being some sort of thing to admire in itself. Especially if that takes the form of talking about how 'controlled' and 'measured' and 'calm' such as person is, apparently because of this incredible military background - and yet they refuse to see a doctor and are likely to punch people on a night out.

I see a tendency on MN to hold ex-military to the same standards non-military people are held to.

I'd have thought the firm would be in difficulties in sacking people for things they do outside working hours that have nothing to do with their work duties. Unless they haven't yet been there for two years, of course.

A and B were at a works do.
And they both started just before June last year I think.

And perhaps also anti the idea that because someone is military and has had some shocking experiences, that excuses violent, dangerous behaviour. Because they're heroes, yes?*

Well I don't see anyone who joins the army as a hero. It's a job.
BUT, it should still have a duty of care to its staff. Especially when a normal day in the office for them involves watching human beings die in horrible ways.

I've been in horrible situations in my chosen career but I've always had the support and aftercare if I've needed it. He shouldn't have been signed off in the first place. And from what a PP said about the average amount of time before a veteran gets help being 12 years, its not something uncommon.

Oh BadFeminist - that's a good update! not that A&B had that issue, nor that they started texting you and your DP (I mean, WTAF??) but that he chose not to go to the party and that he's seeking the help he obviously needs.

Very pleased that things seem to be looking up - hope that his work place is at least bearable for the next 6 months.

I am very pleased that your DP is going to get some proper help. It is clear that you love him very much. It was also abundantly clear from the other thread that you are blind (quite obstinately so) as to how threatening, disturbed and unacceptable his behaviour and attitudes are. I hope that he does get help, and that it works in time for your relationship (and your safety)to be uncompromised.

BadFeminist that’s a lovely update.
I had no advice to give in your last thread but was appalled but the reactions of a lot of people on this thread.
I’m happy that despite that (and the fact it got so bad the thread ended up deleted), you still got the support and advice you needed.

I’m very happy that your DP is going to be able to access some help. You are right. The army (and us as a society) should be right there supporting ex army people when they have left.