Family priorities

[Sadbri]

A little bit of background to begin with. 2 years ago I got back into contact with my birth mother after moving away from her (volunteerally) when younger and moving to live with my dad. My step mum hates my mum and has always treated me differently since I got back in contact.
So about 12 weeks ago I gave birth to my amazing little girl and had to stay in hospital for a week. My mum was there for the labour part but had to leave the next day as she was so exhausted after the labour. So when I asked my dad and step Mum if they wanted to visit they said no as they didn’t want to see my mum. Even though I told them she wasn’t there they didn’t want to see us. Then they visited my step sister who lives half an hour away from me and they never asked if they could come visit or anything.
I’ve also tried messaging them with health concerns when I’ve not known what to do. As I used to get messages back with reassurance or guided to the right path. They are blanking me on text too. Never responded to ask if I’m okay or anything.
Anyhow, they have invited us over after Xmas after I suggested they didn’t want to see us. Would it be unreasonable to not take my little one to see her grandparents as they haven’t even bothered to meet her in the first 12 weeks of her life anyway.

This is so sad. Why does your dad and step mum hate your mum? And even so, how ever much they hate her it's no excuse for taking it out on you and their grandchild.

Do you actually want to visit them?

If you want to visit then do go, take the baby, and say you were sorry they didn't feel that they could see her before. Perhaps they feel you have betrayed them by getting in touch with your mum. Now is the time to reassure them that despite the new contact with her, you still very much want a good relationship with them (if that is what you want)

i have a similar family situation. I hadn't visited or stayed with my birth mum since I was about 2, but had a happy upbringing with my dad and stepmum (whose been around since I was 6 months old and treated me like her own). My birth mum has been around on occasions though as I am very close to her mother and family. But never more than a polite conversation in passing over the years. When I had my DD 10 years ago my birth mum offered me a large cheque "to help out". I politely refused. I felt I would be selling her access to my child. I will never understand how someone can leave their child and never bother with access (in my case). I could never do this to my children and I do not want someone capable of doing this to enter my DDs life. My DD has her grandparents and parents and doesn't need anyone coming and going. On top of that, I would feel incredibly sad for my SM & DF. They have been there for everything so why would my birth mother then get top billing? She hasnt put the work in or earned those things. I suspect your family are feeling a bit hurt and betrayed. Sorry to say but I feel you need to do the running here and apologize and make the effort. Letting them meet your daughter and fall in love with her may mend bridges. And if they love her enough then maybe they can be at school plays and birthday parties with your birth mum there for your DDs sake. Please do try to remember what people have actually done for you though, rather than who has a rite of passage just because they gave birth to you. Anyone can give birth to a child but to parent one is a whole different situation. However this is without knowing the backstory :)

Congratulations on your DC :)

That's really sad to hear. I understand that if your Dad and step Mum have raised you, they may feel a natural reaction of upset if your bio Mum is at the birth at not them. But in no way is it justified to not visit at all! What a shame, very disappointing!

I would give them a chance and take your DC to visit. DC will benefit from having doting granparents in the future and by not taking her you're almost using her as a weapon. Tit for tat. You didn't visit well I'll go out of my way to make sure you don't see her when you've invited me.

Give them a second chance and bring DC to meet them. Let them know they're still very important to you even if you've got involved with bio Mum again.

Best of luck.

Leaving my mum had been my choice as well as not wanting to see her. Then was my decision to start seeing her again. My DF and SM made it very clear that I’m choosing my DM over them and I made it clear that I wasn’t it was just every time I saw them they had always started an argument. I may take her and to see DF but so worried an argument may start and I don’t think I could handle that. X

you chose your mum over the parents that raised you and wonder why theyre upset? really?

youve dropped a fucking big clanger here

It’s not that I’ve chosen my mum when I first got hold of my Mum, me and my dad and a good relationship then slowly they distanced them self from me and argued with me for some reason after the other when I saw them. It got so bad last time I went I had 8 months pregnant and they had a huge go at me causing both me so much stress when I got into the car I had an anxiety attack. I appreciate they raised me from the age of 12 but feel they have abandoned me since i got pregnant x