To be nervous of the stigma around kids with SEN

[Phuquocdreams]

Called into school today, they say our son is posing a health and safety risk to himself and others, and they are recommending he is assessed. They mentioned they think he has processing issues and I'm guessing they're hinting at either ASD, or possibly ADHD, I don't know.
Pretty devastated, and worried about his self-esteem, how he's going to get on etc. Also I think there is still a stigma around these conditions isn't there? People judge, and are less likely to want their kids to hang around him. He hits, which obviously is going to turn the others against him - he still has friends but I don't know how long for. I just feel really sad 😥

How old is your little boy? I wouldnt be frightened of a SEN diagnosis. It will open up avenues of help that you wouldn't be able to access otherwise. Socially, support will be put into place to help him with friendships. You might find parents will be more understanding. My 6 year old dd was hit in the face with a shoe by a boy with ASD. Before I knew; I was pretty furious. Once the teacher explained, I gave my dd some tips to help her understand the little boys feelings. My brother has asd. My job is to teach my kids to be accepting and tolerant. Yours is to get your little boy all of the help he needs to grow up happy and healthy. For what it's worth; I'm a head of year. I see kids with ASD and adhd flourish with the right support. Good luck.

If he has a SEN then he needs a SEN diagnosis or he won't get the help that he needs.

He is almost 5

Thanks Loki

With ow without the diagnosis his needs, sensitivities and struggles will be the same. The only real difference is that with the dx you stand a better chance at getting him some support; without a dx you have no chance.

It's incredibly hard, understanding that your child has special needs. A huge part of yo almost has to grieve for the child they're not. But once that passes you will be his greatest champion. Don't allow your concern for other people's opinions put his needs to one side; above everything else you have to find the help and support your son needs.

Just because he has a diagnosis, does not mean you have to tell everybody that he meets. He will not "become" ASD, he will still be your little boy.

Unfortunately for kids with difficult behaviour they tend to get judged and excluded whether they have a "label" or not :(

FWIW among older people there is becoming a kind of resurgence or pride; I have ADHD and I'm not ashamed of it and I don't go out of my way to hide it - I don't announce it to everyone I meet either, but i f it's relevant then it may come up and I have found people are usually interested and curious, not judgemental. What the diagnosis has given me is understanding of myself and partially from those close to me, which has been immeasurably valuable.

If anyone chooses to stigmatise a child nobody should give a fuck what they think anyway.

Oh, also, I know it's not the same because I am an adult, but my self esteem was far, far lower before diagnosis - I kept on thinking for years and years that I was "just shit" or a failure or lazy or crap or selfish or all of these other horrible things and I went in and out of depression because of it. Since diagnosis, I have moments of "Oh god this is just me and it's never going to get better" but most of the time, I feel fine and okay and I'm much more likely to be easy on myself and say hey - look what you've managed even through all of these challenges - rather than trying to judge myself by other people's standards and finding wanting.

The school are saying that they think he needs specialist support.

It’s hard to hear or acknowledge that the unacceptable behaviours your DC is displaying are not going away as they get older. The question that felled me was from DS’ audiologist at age 3 - “Do you think his behaviour is normal?”
The only answer was “No...” but it was the hardest thing to say.
We understand so much more about his difficulties now he’s been properly diagnosed.
As for ‘stigma’ replace the word with ‘ignorance’... if he needs help you go for it. Fuck what anyone else has to say.

Hear hear Eltonjohn

As Elton says, anyone with small minds who judges a child or parent due to SEN aren't people the rest of us....decent people, need to consider or be concerned with.

You focus on your lovely DS and his needs at the moment. Forget everyone else apart from people who actively support him.x

Thank you everybody, feeling a bit teary now. I'll do whatever it takes to help him, and help him get on with others.

People DO judge. But ime less since dds diagnosis was made. In fact, perhaps depressingly, perhaps wonderfully- her diagnosis means that many of the children now treat dd much better , many even defend her "you can't say that about Christmas baby! She's autistic!" In an indignant outrage that is only applied to dd because of her diagnosis (what about those bullied who aren't asd? What about those who don't have that get out of jail card?)

School wise she is given support. When she can't complete her homework or class work she isn't punished. She isn't expected to adhere to behaviour expectations that she can't possibly achieve. Her work is ever so slightly changed to accommodate her.

I've had nothing but positive experiences since diagnosis

Quite the opposite, IME. If he is posing a H&S risk, then I'm guessing he is pushing or hitting or in some other way hurting people. Without a diagnosis, that is seen as 'naughty' or 'a badly behaved' child. With a diagnosis, then people are much more likely to be understanding. Also (and this is the main reason) with a diagnosis, he will be able to access support that won't otherwise be available. He will still be the same little boy you know and love now, he won't become his diagnosis, but he will be a little boy who is better understood, and who people will do what they can to accommodate, or make necessary adjustments for.

We've got HF at 10 and ....totally fucked aged 8 been in Sen since aged 4!.
Accept for who they are and move on!!!

OP you know your child better than anyone. Do you think he has special needs? What do you think has? Is there a reason you haven't had him assessed prior to school?

A diagnosis isn't something you are obliged to share with all and sundry. And I actually think the hitting would put people off more than any diagnosis. My ds has asd and went through a stage of lashing out and we found parents were very accommodating because we were proactive in preventing it and would shadow/remove our ds from the situation if it became unsafe for other children. I know other parents though who feel that lashing out can't be helped and just apologise after at best or completely ignore it at worst and obviously they do find play dates etc are harder to come by. Ds is older now and knows how to deal with things without resorting to lashing out but I think if you are dealing with it then you won't face any stigma from other parents ime.

As someone with sen. I remember going through the testing and my mom sobbing when she got the result. My parents were thrust in to a new world they knew nothing about. There were hundreds of worst case scenarios
I now live a life that makes me happy, i have a job, i drive etc. My parents lost all hope for that at diagnosis.

Please read this

www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

Be kind to yourself

I don't know if he has special needs. When he first when to Creche, he went through a bad stage of hitting etc but then he went to playschool he came on leaps and bounds and was playing really well, and had little friends by the end of the year. Then he went to school, and for the first 4-6 weeks, they just had issues with him not staying in his seat, not listening, not staying in line, but this has escalated now to a hitting incident almost every other day, other children and even the classroom assistant. They say they can't find the triggers, and he doesn't seem to understand what being "good" means, they have to be v literal with him. I can see when he has a melt-down he hates it but he's so obstinate. When I was on maternity leave, his actual behaviour I can't even remember (I think I was tired, a little depressed) but I remember finding him so hard to deal with, completely hyper, that I wondered did I like him any more and then I would feel so guilty and in love with him every night as I fell asleep. His last childminder, who had a baby, couldn't deal with him, although his current minder can't understand the school issues (I think he appreciates the quiet of home and her laid back style). He loves his little sibling and is not, I don't think, overly rough. The H&S issues are the hitting, obviously, and the running off - into a busy car park, for example ( which is funny because with us he's quite safe near roads, knows to stop etc)

Also almost since he can speak he talks about himself being "bad" and when you ask him why he did something he will talk about his "bad heart"

Often these behaviours are a reflection of the fact that the child is stressed.

My son who is 8 has autism. We had a lot of trouble with his behaviour in school but an occupational therapist advised the school they need to intervene when stress levels are just begining to rise - because it is like there is a build up of lots of little stressful things throughout the day - which results in the stress levels going up too high - and then he appears to explode in rage over something insignificant when it all becomes too much.

The stress might also be caused by sensory issues - like being in a noisy classroom - which my son describes as like having people shouting through loudspeakers into his ear - I would definitely feel on edge if I experienced this!

My son knows he has the option to request a break out of the class if he feels stressed and this is good as it is teaching him how to manage his stress levels himself.

Now he is taken out of the class for short intervals regularly throughout the day - like he might deliver a message to the office or take a movement break. Since the school have started doing this his behaviour has improved dramatically. He now only has a very minor incident about once every 2 or 3 weeks where he gets a small bit upset about something but nothing at all serious.

I'm not saying this approach works for every child but it works for him.

I found this book very good for helping the child to understand their own behaviours
www.bookdepository.com/Max-Me-Ines-Lawlor/9781855036161

My DS's school used a chart like this to keep track of his behaviour in order to try to understand it
www.autism.org.uk/~/media/nas/documents/helpline/abc%20chart.ashx?la=en-gb

I had the same worries about you about how people would judge my child if he was different but his diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to him. People have been kind and understanding as a result instead of viewing him as badly behaved. I've got the occasional negative vibe off some people but that is very rare and those people aren't worth knowing anyway if they're so judgemental about a young child. Because of his diagnosis, adjustments have been made and he is very happy and enjoying life - I'd hate to think how miserable he would be if he was trying to struggle through without any help.

*Yesterday 23:31 Phuquocdreams

Also almost since he can speak he talks about himself being "bad" and when you ask him why he did something he will talk about his "bad heart"
*

My son said things like this occassionally too when he was younger but now he never does. He now knows he has autism so he understands why he has some difficult behaviours. He understands he can learn strategies to manage these things. The diagnosis gave him an understanding of himself that has improved his self esteem - without it he, and other people,would see him simply as badly behaved.

What do they mean by processing issues? That’s a bit vague and could cover many things from dyslexia to SPD.

But there’s usually a trigger for children who ‘hit’ even if it can’t be seen. Anxiety, touch, proximity. To be hit you have to be quite close so is he being touched? My son doesn’t like light pressure or people in his face and will instinctively lash out even though it’s been dinned into him that it’s wrong.

I've read similar topic thread on my native country's parenting forum.
Nursery suggested that the child should get assessed prior to school entry, and parents are not sure about labeling.
One poster posted a anecdote. Her parents denied her brother having sen, so denied assessments and worked very hard for him to conform, without any appropriate help. He graduated school, and started to work for reputable company. Then he totally broke down, from all the stress he had over the years.

Getting assessed and getting appropriate help will help him have a happier life, if he does have any special needs.

Unfortunately some people are bigots who will never see past a diagnosis, yes.
Most people will not want their child playing with a child who hurts them, whatever the reason. Most children will avoid a child who repeatedly frightens or hurts them.
If your ds is lashing out because the demands of school are overwhelming him, the best thing you can do for him is find out if there are special needs underlying his behaviour because he will need understanding and support, not a "naughty" label.