About other people looking after DD?

[FootprintsontheHeart]

Have name changed for this. And probably am being UR.

DD is 2.6 but has a developmental delay of around 6 months, a speech delay of 8-10months, a physical delay of around 10 months and also a hip dysplasia i both hips. She also has asthma and damaged air ways because of in correct treatment of a chest infection when she was younger.

As a result of all that she needs looking after differently to other children; she can't walk up or down stairs so has to be carried, has to be lifted by her thighs rather than her ankles when having her nappy changed, needs an inhaler 3x daily and is also on a low dose of antibiotics and steriods daily. She's not potty trained and unlikely to be for at least 2 years. I am very PFB about her I admit.

I will not allow anyone under the age of 21 to look after DD unsupervised. I specifically chose a Nursery that only allows the Level 4 and 5 qualified staff to look after children unsupervised and they don't employ under 18s so the L4 people are 21+. I don't allow her to go in cars with anyone under 21 years old, the regular babysitter I use is 23 and if I ever employ a different babysitter I specifically request they're 21+. I have no idea why 21 is the magic number to me.

I'm supposed to be going out for a meal with DH, MIL and FIL next week. My regular babysitter has had to pull out as her partner is working so she has no-one to have her children and doesn't feel confident looking after her 2 + DD at her house on her own due to DDs extra needs. And the agency I usually use only has under 21s available to sit that night which I'm not comfortable with. My DM is working a nightshift that week or she'd happily step in and have DD at hers for the night.

I've told PILs that DH can go and I'll stay home with DD. MIL suggested SIL look after DD, and I immediately said no she's too young. SIL is 18 (19 in February), and 7 and a bit years younger than DH, she's also had no experience looking after young children before so even without DDs extra needs I wouldn't feel comfortable with her looking after DD.

MIL is saying I'm being silly and she might as well cancel the whole evening as it was meant to be a "night off" for both me and DH. She wants to know what I think will happen if SIL babysits and is making out I hate SIL (which I don't, she's lovely just "too young" to look after my PFB). I've told her about not being comfortable with SIL looking after her and how I am about the Nursery and stuff but MIL says it's stupid and I need to get over it as there maybe a time when someone under 21 needs to take care of DD.

So AIBU? And if so how do I get over my anxiety about this?

Can't they just move the date to a night you can get care you are happy with?

Not easily they've booked a table and with it being the week between Christmas and New Year it's busy, they struggled to get the table they've booked.

Move it to out of that week or you don’t go - they must understand your reasoning?

I know plenty of over 21s who I wouldn't trust and plenty of responsible under 21s so yabu on ages. Your daughter is her neice... surely she'll love and protect her to her utmost?

But yanbu in that you need to trust and be happy with whoever is watching her.

To be honest, the over 21 thing is a but arbitrary, although I can see that you are hoping age=experience. It's fair enough to be worried SIL hasn't had the experience, assuming she hasn't done much caring for DD before (with or without you). What time is the meal? Is DD likely to be in bed? If so, SIL wouldn't have to do much.

Jacob She hardly knows her as she's away at University 3-4 days a week MIL sees DD once a week, and even if SIL was there 100% of the time I still don't think she'd old enough to look after my DD.

I know it's silly.

I think you're getting too stuck on the age, I don't think being over 21 automatically makes someone better able to look after your DD. Your not being unreasonable to be selective about who looks after her, especially as she has additional needs. But I don't think age alone should rule someone out.

Meal is at 7.30pm so DD would be in bed, but she usually wakes up at least 3-4 times a night, usually at least once before I go to bed at 10ish -
and we'd likely be out later than my usual bedtime as table is book for 7.30 by the time we've ordered and got first course eaten is 8.30/9ish then second course/finishing drinks, paying and getting home so I reckon we won't be home until earliest 10.15ish.

The old enough thing is a bit silly tbh, as pp said plenty of responsible under 21s and irresponsible older.

But the SILs lack of experience/ relationship with DD would put me off too in this case due to the extra needs.

I think the difficulty here is that YABU re the age limit and you know you are BUT you are kind of entitled to be a bit U in this situation, to be honest. You get to decide who looks after your daughter and if you've decided that has to be someone over 21, then that's that.

I'd probably frame it differently in future (less about age and more about experience of looking after children with additional needs / a close relationship with your daughter etc etc) but ultimately it's your decision and your PIL need to respect that.

Hope you get it sorted!

If I'm honest, I don't understand what you think happens overnight at the age of 20 to make someone responsible. I have met 21 year olds you wouldn't let near ovens let alone children. I think you need to judge the person by meeting them not by age - is SIL responsible? Can you ask her what she would do in your worst case scenarios and see if you agree? Or can you interview the oldest of the babysitters from the agency?

I can see why you don’t want an unknown babysitter and even more the totally inexperienced SIL to do it - my on track developmentally 3 year old (good old PFB —the baby in the other hand...!—) wakes early in the night sometimes and i panic about babysitters not being what he needs!

I would get MIL to switch to a night your tried and trusted baby sitter can make the most of a night off, I suspect you won’t enjoy it otherwise. YANBU.

I think that excluding people on age thing is a little daft. My DD had needs that were more complex than those of your DD - including having had surgery 2 days before I returned to work and a mouth full of stitches as a consequence. I returned to work when DD was 7 months old and left her in the care of a 19 year old. The 19 year old in question, however, was a trained Nursery Nurse and had worked as a Nanny although had not previously looked after children with SN. She turned out to be absolutely fantastic (although like you, I had reservations about leaving DD with someone so young initially). But the point being - it is not about the age of the person, but the experience and the common sense. ie will they listen and adhere to the special intructions regarding your DD's care. It doesn't sound like your SIL has the experience to fit the bill but I think you are possibly excuding nursery staff who may be very good just because of their age.

Could an agency supply a sitter to go to your normal baby sitters house as an additional helper? It wouldn’t matter if she was under 21 as your normal sitter would be there

Age has nothing to do with it so YABU for being so hung up on that.

Purple That could work, I'll ask my babysitter.

YANBU for saying you don’t feel comfortable with your SIL looking after your DD but basing it on age is just silly. She will be the same person (mostly) at 21.

I think you need to focus less on the age thing and more on how they are as a person.
My best friend was a mum at 19 and she is a fantastic mother to her ds who is now 7. I would absolutely have trusted her at 19/21...my dsis is 25 now and absolutely no chance would I trust her