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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect MIL to allow me parent my son my way....... ARGGH!

17 replies

trippleshot · 23/04/2007 08:50

my dh is an only child so this has the potential to be an explosive situation. ds is only two months old and this woman is already driving me to distraction with her ongoing commentary on what ds needs, wants etc at any given moment. do I keep bitting my lip or address this head on?

OP posts:

Taylormama · 23/04/2007 08:54

don't bite your lip - it obviously bothers you but do it in a nice way now rather than in another few weeks when you will feel even angrier. Just say you appreciate her thoughts but you and DH have decided to do x,y,z etc and that is the end of it - smile sweetly when saying it and make sure your DH is on side too ....

moopymoo · 23/04/2007 08:55

how often do you see her? if it everyday and open house , i reckon needs addressing. if infrequent, try to let it wash over you. (easier said than done!)

tigerschick · 23/04/2007 08:57

Absolutely vital that your dh is with you on this, whatever you decide to do. If ou haven't discussed it with him yet, then do so before you speak to your MIL, maybe somehting coming from him would go down better. Sorry she's being a pain.

munz · 23/04/2007 08:57

no agree don't bite your tounge. my mil started the same but it was nipped in the bud.

I found with mine thou it was mostly cos she wanted to feel involved so i gave a bit as well - with the bathing/nappies/taking him for a walk etc (that was restricted as I was BF but she could do it)

now well since he's been weaned/off the boob by day i've been handing him over for days out etc and she's respected our parenting (esp when it comes to food) defiantly don't let it bubble away.

Original poster

trippleshot · 23/04/2007 09:03

We see her maybe twice a week for a few hours each time. I realise that she's excited but she seems to have crossed the line between grandmotherly concern and wanting to actually parent ds. she's already said that she wants to buy him a dog which she'll keep at her and fil home when ds is older. shouldn't that be mine and dh di
decision? I've had her tuppence worth on everything from feeding to education. Dh is aware of situation, but wants to see if she calms down on her accord before addressing it. I'm afraid I'm going to explode at some point. Already I want ds to spend less time with her

OP posts:

yogimum · 23/04/2007 09:04

I know what you mean though I was lucky my MIL said she may not agree with the way I raised my child but she would do it my way. Try to stay calm and always appear confident in what you are doing (even if you are not). Maybe she just wants to feel involved, though I always joke about how things have changed over the years. Everyone has their opionion especially MILs. I trained as a maternity nanny so I quite often remind her!

emankcin · 23/04/2007 09:06

Can you spend less time with her and let your DH take the baby to your MILs? that way you could have some time to yourself?

purplemonkeydishwasher · 23/04/2007 09:09

wow. this sounds very very familiar. nip it in the bud or it'll grow and grow.
DH is very protective of his mom (she's a widow) and it's hard to get him on my side about these things. if your DH understands then do it. DO IT NOW!!

Original poster

trippleshot · 23/04/2007 09:14

Sooner rather than later suits me too, but it is going to be dependent on dh. I think he's on my side, but also super sensitive to his mother. the only way she's going to take it is badly and he doesn't want to deal with the fall out. don't blame him. will endeavour to spend v.little time with her - solid advice and push him to have a quiet word. now how to tell that I don't want her looking after ds two days a week when I go back to work.....

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 09:26

Is she just giving her opinion tho, or is she actually saying that you need to be doing it this way???

Original poster

trippleshot · 23/04/2007 09:28

she tells what to do, and what I am doing "wrong" with my son if he cries.

OP posts:

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 23/04/2007 09:30

I think how you react depends what she's saying/doing.

Other people having opinions on how your children should be raised is mightily irritating, but it's also worth remembering that they are opinions and are worth nothing if you don't intend to take them on board. Just smile sweetly and let her carry on, and if she questions why you don't do things her way, I would tell her that you prefer to do it another way.

Re getting a dog, well tbh that's her perogative as long as she's happy to keep it at her house, in fact will save you the hastle of the housetraining/chewing/training/feeding/taking for walks so I would say bring it on.

emankcin · 23/04/2007 09:32

i dont think you should push your dh to say something. If something needs saying, you should have the decency to say it yourself.

Original poster

trippleshot · 23/04/2007 09:35

have no intention of forcing the situation on dh, it is my issue with mil after all. she would however take it better from him than me.

OP posts:

agnesnitt · 23/04/2007 10:56

Tell her that she has raised her children already and that it is now your turn. If she's too thick skinned to take that on board tell her that she may be meaning well, but her constant critique of your parenting skills is not endearing and you're drifting towards having as little to do with her as possible.

Everybody says that children need to learn boundaries, but so do grandparents.

Agnes

evenhope · 23/04/2007 11:22

You need to nip this in the bud now. I am still having issues over MIL from when I had DD1 21 years ago. They have raised their head since I had DD2 6 weeks ago and it's almost a phobia. I wish I'd dealt with it at the time but I left it to DH to sort out- as it's his mother- and he didn't. It also caused huge and ongoing problems between me & DH because I thought his first loyalties should be to me and his kids but he clearly puts his mother first.

Elasticwoman · 23/04/2007 21:07

Probably MIL is so excited about grandchild and full of nostalgia for when she had your dh, that she doesn't realise how inappropriate her comments are. I remember pointing out to my own mother that I didn't need to be told at what angle my baby should wear her hat, and it seemed to bring her up short!

I recommend that you are firm with MIL and deflect her intrusive advice with calm politeness, eg "Did you, that's interesting; I prefer to do it this way." Or "dh and I believe it's important to be consistent, and this is the way we're doing it." Thank her for her interest/suggestion and quickly change the subject. Or say, oh things were so different in your day, weren't they?

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