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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband lazy and not pulling his weight

19 replies

Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 13:55

AIBU? I said we need to talk last night. I said he is not pulling his weight around the house e.g. not washing up, not drying up, not putting dishes away, not hoovering, not cleaning up the kitchen, not cleaning the wash basin, shower/bath etc, not changing towels,flannels, tea towels, not properly feeding and watering our cats, leaving empty cups, mugs plates where he has drunk/eaten from them e.g. lounge, failing to open/deal with mail, pushing unopened Christmas cards in my direction, not putting clothes away after wearing them, leaving all the "i'll do that soon" DIY jobs for months on end.............
His reply? He doesn't have time. WTH? WWYD?

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 21/12/2017 14:29

I'd stop doing any of that stuff myself. And definitely withold sex - that in itself gives him more time to do the chores.

Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 14:52

HMMMMMM. That doesn't free up much additional time!

He DOES watch TV very well and efficiently though. He can read emails, whatsapp/facebook/ebay and car forum all whilst watching TV til 1am/later. He gets up for work at 4.30am (early-start shifts that he asks for). He has a full time job and so do I. I'm also studying in the evenings and some weekends. He is one those people who won't give a straight answer to a friend's text or email asking about making social arrangements.He seems unaware that tables in restaurants don't book themselves or if they do book themselves the restaurant can always squeeze an extra two people on the table!!!! This Sat night he has been invited by his close work friends to a night out but it's 50 miles away. He wants to go but doesn't want to drive himself there. I suggested he get the train but he said they might have problems because that line has a lot of weekend work repairs at the moment. I suggested that the friend who lives in said area of the 'night out' could put him up for the night. DH said well he hasn't asked me to stay over and i'm not asking if I can stay over. I said don't go then. DH said you just don't want me to go. Truth is: I do want him to go so I can enjoy the whole evening on my own with sole control of the remote for the tv and move channels. It would be bliss. We we both invited out for a meal with other friends. The table needs to be booked. I declined the invitation because I was pretty certain at the time that DH was going out with his work friends and I didn't want to attend without him there. My choice. I have loads of things I want to get done on Saturday in case I realise I need to go out for any last minute gifts or wrapping paper. DH waltzes in and out of the house as he pleases. He is totally blind to the lengths of plaster coving/cornicing on the staircase that have been there for 2 years and the unfinished ceilings above them. He started doing these 2 years ago. He lies around in his work uniform and heavy clompy work shoes and looks like a heap. He slouches all the time and his skin looks grey as he hardly ever sees daylight. He works underground. He does not go food shopping because his car is in our garage and it's 'got a small boot'. Last night i told him all he does is make excuses and that he is lazy.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/12/2017 15:01

Doesn't sound like you like him much. What are your plans for 2018 the rest of your life?

letsdolunch321 · 21/12/2017 15:06

All these points mentioned will continue to cause resentment unless dealt with.

Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 15:38

I want to deal with all the resentments but he needs to get on board too or it'll be separation for 2018.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/12/2017 15:43

Good plan. I mean, do try to sort things out between you (if he's willing) but don't settle for living like this.

Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 16:01

He used to be quite active with getting DIY and stuff done but now it seems he has lost the will and he resents me for something I did in the past. He can't let it go. I've suggested relationship counselling but he does not want to. A relationship has to be teamwork as otherwise what's it all about? (Alfie)

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/12/2017 18:13

Right, so he's punishing you. Whatever it was you did in the past this is his retaliation.

So maybe you need to think back to what you did and how you tried to resolve it. The suggestion of relationship counselling isn't going to help if he feels like it's all your fault, because he's seeing it as your problem to fix and nothing to do with him. Going to counselling together can seem to some people like implying there's fault on both sides and he's obviously resistant to it.

This is about more than housework. It's about whether you have a relationship that's saveable. Do you want to carry on while he continues to punish you? Does he really want to keep the relationship going, or is he just not willing to end it?

A difficult and painful conversation lies ahead if this is going to be resolved.

TDHManchester · 21/12/2017 18:20

Withold sex..? That sounds dangerous. It is not a commodity to be traded.

FoolandFitz · 21/12/2017 18:24

What did you do in the past?

Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 18:35

I was unfaithful. Stupid and wrong.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 18:35

He sounds like he checked out of the relationship 2 years ago...

BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 18:37

He's stays up late because he doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as you? Doesn't want closeness? Wants to be alone downstairs?

Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 18:40

So. He's avoiding close contact. I feel alone and he wants to be alone. What do i do? Counselling for just myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Todayfrustratingday · 21/12/2017 18:42

My infidelity was not recent. Something has shifted in him but I don't know what it is

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 23:04

I found this book really helpful:

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0747593604/ref=cmswwrcppapi_e3dpAb0TH1J5X

Go google John Gottmans credentials...

BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 23:05

I read it after my H left me but once I'd read it I was mortified. It nailed it but I was too late to make a difference.

PickAChew · 21/12/2017 23:08

Just keep reminding him that he's behaving like a child but childrearing never sexy, so maybe he needs a rethink.

TDHManchester · 21/12/2017 23:45

Has anyone read any of the "surrendered wife" series of books?

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