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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not reciprocate a gift?

26 replies

Giftdilema · 20/12/2017 22:59

God this is going to sound awful.
I have a friend we will call Jo. If it's relevant Jo lives at home with her parents and has very little outgoings so are not struggling as much as I am. I am a single parent of two children, one with special needs on a low income.

I met Jo through a joint hobby about fifteen years ago and they have been a great support and helped me through some real shit but I have only actually seen her in person twice in the last ten years.

Anyway Jo noticed that my children don't have much family and therefore don't get many presents at Christmas. Exh isn't around and gets them nothing. So Jo took it upon herself to send two big boxes of stocking filler type stuff for them one Christmas a few years ago. This was amazingly kind but not asked for and I bought Jo a gift in return to say thank you even though I couldn't really afford to.

The year that followed they mentioned it and several times I said in a kind way not to send stuff. They said they liked putting a smile on the children's faces and even though I again asked them not to send anything the same thing happened so I felt I had to send vouchers in return.

Again this year I have insisted they weren't to send anything and again a parcel has turned up today.

Jo is being amazing but honestly it's stressful as this year in particular we are pretty skint and not buying gifts for my parents as a result, the children haven't got anything substantial and yet while paying out money we don't have for something for jo.

Other than child benefit I have around £40 to last three weeks. Christmas presents are bought and we have food and bills are paid and we have child benefit for food top up of milk and bread and fresh stuff etc so yes we could send money to Jo but it would leave us on the edge.

Wibu not to send anything and hope that meant they wouldn't send anything the year after to the children?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 20/12/2017 23:03

Can you send a thank you card and let her know that the kids loved the gifts? If she's miffed about not getting anything she'll not bother next year, but she might want to send things for them. I've sent gifts to children in the past and not expected a gift back, it's just nice to buy for children.

Ski4130 · 20/12/2017 23:03

I'd explain to Jo that whilst you appreciate her gesture, you can reciprocate this year. FWIW I wouldn't expect a gift in return, and she does sound like she's sending gifts to your children purely for the pleasure she thinks it brings them. She sounds lovely, please just be honest with her.

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 23:03

I am sure a lovely card would be enough to show thanks. Not everyone expects something material in return.

Ski4130 · 20/12/2017 23:04

Can't reciprocate, not can.

WishingOnABar · 20/12/2017 23:05

Sounds like Jo is just trying to do something kind, while I’m normally a proud person and insist on reciprocating the fact that she continues to send the gifts when you have asked not suggests she is getting genuine pleasure from treating the children.
Have the children make a thought out thank you gift such as a really nice drawing or homemade card, and if she is disappointed as you say she will probably not do it again.

BillywilliamV · 20/12/2017 23:05

She just wants to make your kids happy, get them to make her a gorgeous thank you card. She’s just a nice person

GrooovyLass · 20/12/2017 23:05

It doesn't sound like she's doing it for the gift in return. Sounds like she's just a nice person in which case she won't be expecting anything.

SandAndSea · 20/12/2017 23:10

I would get the kids to make something for her as a thank you, eg. cards, a funny video, friendship bracelets etc.

stayhomeclub · 20/12/2017 23:11

I would send a thank you card. It sounds like she enjoys buying for your children and I buy for my friends children without any expectation of anything back.

I have a similar situation with a different slant with some friends who live abroad and still live with their parents, they still send me birthday and Christmas presents (not to children) and I just send cards these days and have done for about the past three years. I don’t like it actually, I think it’s quite clear now that I’m not up for pinging notebooks and cheap earrings half way across the world twice a year when I’ve got lots of other financial commitments. I feel that it makes me look mean so I fully get why you feel that pressure, even this year I thought should I return a gift but then I feel I’m perpetuating this cycle.

WishingOnABar · 20/12/2017 23:13

I should add a few of my long term coworkers insist on buying my ds a christmas present despite knowing I cant afford to reciprocate, they insist they enjoy picking things for him when I tell them not to.
I always make sure to take a photo of him opening the gifts and sending it on the day and he also makes them a thank you card, which they are really pleased with.

NotTheQueen · 20/12/2017 23:13

I agree with PP - a card to say thanks will be plenty. We’re DINKs, and we buy gifts for a number of friends children, both near and far, and the cards or even text messages are enough. A few make ‘Thank you’ video messages through WhatsApp etc of the particularly cute kids Grin

The only ones that bug me are my own nieces and nephews as my siblings never bother to let me know the parcels have arrived.

Most of us understand that Christmas is tough financially and like to show some solidarity/empathy. I like being the good news fairy giving gifts and donating to cat charities... we’re not rich and would flitch at an unexpected car repair bill, but we’re able to be moderately generous.

TalkinBoutWhat · 20/12/2017 23:15

If your DC are up for it, could they draw a picture, which you can put inside a thank you card?

That would make my day....

Glumglowworm · 20/12/2017 23:16

It sounds like she genuinely wants to get gifts for your children. A card thanking her and wishing her merry christmas is fine. No real friend would want you to put yourself in a financial trouble for the sake of a gift for them.

If it does turn out that she’s annoyed you can’t reciprocate then she’ll stop doing it, which you won’t mind anyway.

Original poster
Giftdilema · 20/12/2017 23:20

Yes we always send a handmade card or some type of picture or craft.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 20/12/2017 23:22

She'll probably be pleased you don't reciprocate as she will know you can't afford it! She sounds like a true friend Smile

IDSNeighbour · 20/12/2017 23:27

Agree with everyone else - it sounds like she really wants to buy the presents and doesn't require one in return.

To me it's natural to buy for children without getting back. It's different to with adults.

I live alone and have no children in my immediate family. I buy for my cousin's children and my friend's children because I love buying children's presents. It makes me sad that I don't have children of my own to buy for and it gives me genuine pleasure to search out and buy children's things that they enjoy receiving. I'd be surprised and a bit uncomfortable to be given a present from my cousins or friends - I'm not buying them presents, I'm buying their children presents. It's different. And I have plenty of money (one perk of terminal singledom!) so would hate to think of struggling parents spending money on me - especially if the whole point was to make Christmas better for their kids, not harder!

'Jo' might be getting more out of the present buying than your children do from receiving them tbh. I think buying a whole box/stocking's worth of stuff for a child sounds like great fun!

yumyumpoppycat · 20/12/2017 23:41

Totally agree, we have several people who buy presents for our children including someone we used to work with but hardly ever see, my parents neighbours who we hardly ever see, and someone my dad does odd jobs for for who I have NEVER met!

DarkDarkNight · 20/12/2017 23:42

There is no need to reciprocate. Your friend is doing a lovely thing and sounds genuine when they say there is no need to get them anything.

Before I had children of my own and I had a bit more spare income I loved buying for other people's children.

Give your friend a card and at most a box of chocolates/bottle of wine once Christmas is out of the way. But it really sounds like a card would be enough.

Enidblyton1 · 20/12/2017 23:52

Honestly, I'm sure Jo doesn't want or expect anything in return. She may have been feeling guilty that you've been buying her a present for the past couple of years, but doesn't want to embarrass you by suggesting that you don't need to.
I would let her know how much you and the children appreciate her gifts and perhaps get the children to draw her a picture or make a card - something that takes effort rather than money. Not that you NEED to even do that. It sounds like Jo just gets pleasure out of gift giving. What a lovely person.

Actually I've just remembered that a woman I used to work with (but didn't know very well at all) sent me little present last when my children were born and then for the next couple of Christmas. I always emailed her a lovely thank you and let her know how much it was appreciated. It would never have occurred to me to reciprocate gifts. Some people are just very generous and love giving presents to children.

PonderLand · 20/12/2017 23:58

I also think that sending her a card would be the best way to avoid you spending money you don't have, if it's handmade then even better!

This year we've told everyone no presents but our parents, DS and DN plus a couple of my friends kids. Today I received a present from a friend who I don't often see and I felt so guilty and embarrassed to tell him I had no way of reciprocating. If I buy a present for someone I always check it's a mutual thing. That maybe that seems a bit silly but I just hate being the person who doesn't have anything to give back so I don't put other people in that position either.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 21/12/2017 00:04

Just agreeing with everyone else. No adult expects a gift back in these circumstances.

KC225 · 21/12/2017 00:25

I met a wonderful young mum at a.baby playgroup. She has been so unlucky in love and is now.single mum of three. I am not rolling in it but I love sending the children a gift especially as we ate bow in separate countries. I do it because it's a nice thing to do, it puts a smile of the children's face and as she is a wonderful mum that would make her smile too. I would be horrified if she sent me a gift. She send me an update and some lovely photographs of the children.

I think your friend wants to do this, e joys doing it and does not expect a gift. Can you print some cheap photograph, get the chosen to wrote or make a card. She would love that

StarWarsFanatic · 21/12/2017 01:09

Agree with everyone else, as long as you send a thank you card or whatever you don't need to send a gift. I can see myself doing that kind of thing if my friend's had kids and wouldn't expect anything back. OH and I have done it with extended family's DCs and after a few years got told not to for the same reason. We tried to explain we didn't want gifts, but we had spare money as no dependants as it made it more like Christmas for us to "treat" the children. Christmas is about kids to us.

Also meant that OH got to build Lego sets with for the little ones which he enjoys massively Grin

bananafish81 · 21/12/2017 09:12

Definitely agree with PP

I can't have children but I do have children in my life, as my dearest friends have kids

I buy them birthday presents, because I like being able to buy fun kids presents that they'll enjoy (and I enjoy playing a role in their life, as their mother is a very important part of mine.

I would feel very awkward if I received a gift back. I'm not buying in expectation of reciprocation, and I'm not buying their mother gifts. My friends and I don't buy each other gifts, but we show we appreciate each other by spending time together

A home made card is a perfect thank you. I absolutely love it when I get a little thank you video on WhatsApp as well - warms my cockles

ASDismynormality · 21/12/2017 09:15

I don't think you should feel the need to reciprocate, it sounds as if your friend just enjoys buying for your children. A lovely thank you card will probably be really appreciated by her, no gift needed.