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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not let DD stay over?

20 replies

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 17:36

DD 15. Out with friend (or is he boyfriend, don't really know the status yet!) for a birthday meal with him and his parents. He's 18.

DD been off school with fever today so she's lucky in my opinion that she's been allowed out at all as she was proper rough today, coughing and hardly slept the previous night so I thought a 10pm curfew was generous and seeing as they went out to have the meal at 5pm, they had a good run of time together.

DD texts me when she's there saying they've asked does she want to sleep over and 'i feel much better now' (yes, because you just had nurofen you silly beggar). Within about 4 hours she'll undoubtedly be feeling rough again!

Obviously, I don't want her staying over at theirs for the most obvious reason (!) but also because she's ill. And, as I said to her, people who really care about others wouldn't even want you to stay out later or stay over if they knew you were ill! Had they wanted this they could have raised it before they were already out having the meal for consideration.

She seems ok with it but it annoys me that someone would introduce it at all and also not introduce it until they've got DD in their company and I can look like meanie mommy for saying no she can't stay out late or stay over.

I already said to DD that if they are staying out late and making a big night of it (it's fair play to them, it's their son's birthday so why shouldn't they) and that it's too late for someone age 15 / with a fever to be out and they clearly want to carry on the night, that not to worry, I'm standing by to come and get her at 10pm if needed, if they don't want to end their night at that time.

Good job I am standing by as it turns out since she's texted and said ok to me getting her at 10, 'because no one can bring her back, because they've all had a drink'!!

Tell me I'm not being a mean old cumudgeon?!

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 20/12/2017 17:37

15, it'd be a no from me op.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/12/2017 17:41

You are not being a mean old curmudgeon!

You're being a thoughtful parent.

Rachie1986 · 20/12/2017 17:44

Nope, totally fair.

Plus if it's him, his parents and her I would think probably boyfriend, not just friend!

InDubiousBattle · 20/12/2017 17:44

15 year old sleeping over a boyfriends house? That would be a no, fever or no fever.

Greensleeves · 20/12/2017 17:51

I wouldn't have let my 15yo go at all if he'd spent the day off school with a fever. Wouldn't be ecstatic about the 18yo boyfriend either.

Original poster

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 18:00

I thought I had it right on the money! I go with my gut, if I think "Nah-ah" then it ain't happening.

The possible boyfriend scenario has only occurred in literally the last few weeks so I'm playing it by ear just at the moment. As I say, I think letting her go out at all is incredibly generous!

OP posts:

cupcake007 · 20/12/2017 18:00

I absolutely wouldn't let my 18 yo DS have his 15 yo GF over to stay the night either. You did the right thing.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/12/2017 18:02

Good point cupcake neither would I

carefreeeee · 20/12/2017 18:06

They might have been going to let her sleep in another room, and avoid having to help her get home...but it sounds a bit odd it wasn't mentioned before as then she could have taken her overnight stuff.

You saying no helps her say no, and a 3 year age gap is a lot at 15. Especially as it's a new relationship. I'd wait till they've been definitely going out for a few months before allowing staying over.

Original poster

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 18:12

Yes that's absolutely right carefreeee but as you say, why not plan this out in advance? Even so, I don't especially like that idea even! Too much opportunity!

Yes, I did point out that people who care about others don't ask them to stay out when they're poorly, quite the opposite.

There'll be absolutely no staying over at all let me tell you, at either house although to be fair, I'm hazy on the relationship status at this time as it's very new. He seems like a really lovely boy which is a bonus - whaddaya do, 18 yr old boyfriend who's nice or on the same age who's a porn addict and a nasty rough little sod? It's difficult! One hopes he goes to University soon!!!!!

Maybe she'll have had the age gap unintentionally but ever so obviously demonstrated tonight when they all had drinks and she didn't (or she knows I'd have throttled her!). Also an added reason for her sleeping over at theirs to not be a good idea. Wouldn't want a pissed amorous lad checking in on her during the night so I'm super glad I said no even before she told me they'd gotten drinks.

I know it's awful but I think it's ever so slightly manipulative in a way, of them and I don't want her pushed into stuff that she's not ready for or that really had potential to put her at risk. She's happy with him as a friend and they hang out and stuff, let's not anyone (certainly especially anyone that isn't me) make her feel that she should or could be having more, you know what I mean?

OP posts:

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2017 20:23

As an aside, the age of consent in the UK is 16.
The boyfriend could get in a world of trouble being 18 when she is 15 if they progress to being more than friends.
I wouldn't be happy at all with that age difference for a boyfriend, and I would definitely not be letting her stay over.

Fairylea · 20/12/2017 20:29

My dd is that age and there’s no way she would even ask to stay over as she would know the answer would be no. I can’t inagine her having an 18 year old boyfriend either, she’s still very “young” - much younger than some of her friends of the same age. I wouldn’t be at all happy about her having an older boyfriend.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/12/2017 20:37

Are the boyfriend and his parents aware that she is only 15. Might be worth dropping into the pick-up conversation.

spugzbunny · 20/12/2017 21:02

When I was 15 I was staying at my boyfriends house and having copious amounts of sex. Not my Mums wisest parenting decision that one!

Original poster

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 21:12

Thanks for your replies you three! They know she's at school doing her mocks. I've already talked to her about legal age of consent, the charge of sexual activity with a child and what it would mean, and issues like coercion. Sadly DDs had to mature rapidly due to the realities of having a fuckwit dad plus other assorted family weirdnesses to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 21:13

I should say 'you four', I clearly can't count.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/12/2017 21:18

When I was 15 I had a boyfriend who was (only just) 20. My parents went off the deep end. Now I’m older I ‘see’ the age difference they saw at the time, but they didn’t take anything else into consideration. I was a mature, sensible, 15yo & he was a caring, sweet, quite young 19 year old (literally had just turned 20). He was the one who cared about me & never pushed for anything sexual at all and when I turned 16 and I was more than ready, he was the one making sure I was really wanted to, telling me there was no pressure, he wasn’t going anywhere...whilst the lads my age were just trying to get in my knickers.

My parents ended up pushing us together because they were so bloody unreasonable about it & wouldn’t listen.

Talk to her and LISTEN.

I’m not saying you should allow sleep overs, I wouldn’t. I know if teenagers want to have sex they will, but I don’t agree with making it easy or to appear to be condoning it. I also think it accelerates the relationship into ‘more serious’, much faster. But I know plenty disagree.

kittyphina · 20/12/2017 21:21

Ugh, I was a wild teenager not even a few years ago. Now I'm a mother to a little boy who has given up nights out at Zumba, The W, Bob Bob for nights in - usually playing cat bingo.

I can only imagine she's a sensible girl if she's asking for something so mild. That said, I would wait until she's 16 for any overnighting. Explain that it's simply illegal and can get people in trouble even if no one intended to do anything wrong.

Original poster

keeponworking · 20/12/2017 22:54

Annie It sounds like we think alike as he does seem very sweet and he's very attentive to her, coming round at the drop of a hat if she wants him to help her with something. In comparison, 'met' two boys of the same age as her that she's hung around with before... Ugh. Running around talking about celery up people's bums. I know which of the two I'd rather have her hanging out with that's for sure and it's not the celery up your bum boys! We do talk a lot about all sorts - I always have, I use examples on the telly, commenting on reckless behaviour or poor decision making. I TOTALLY agree with what you say about not making it easy. There's a huge element of opportunity that helps lead to first sexual encounters and I also agree that it gets things more 'serious' more quickly if you keep giving opportunities to be alone together. I've talked to DD that she needs the freedom to make decisions for herself but that at the same time, by giving her that freedom I am in some ways increasing her risk (if that makes sense?). I'd rather tackle it and help to protect her than pretending she's not getting interested in sexual activity! This is what my mum did with me. She KNEW I was sexually active and just buried her head in the sand. The number of really stupid and dangerous to myself situations I got into doesn't bear thinking about and I don't want DD to be putting herself at risk like this out of naivety. I want her to be a bit savvy and self aware.

kitty yes as I mentioned, we've had all the chats about legality and consequences etc. She is indeed sensible. Even if she was 16 I wouldn't automatically start saying yes to overnighting. There are other considerations: what about the dad, what about if a male cousin comes over whilst she's sleeping over and he's a pervert, what if, what if? I have no idea that they are alright people or that their entire family or any person who might visit their house is alright - there's just no way of knowing how safe she would or wouldn't be.

She's home now. Bit flat with me but there you go, she still feels a bit rough but didn't have much of a fever when I collected her, and managed to have a nice meal out with them so possibly she's on the mend.

OP posts:

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 21/12/2017 08:17

I guess it is making it clear to the parents and boy that you are actively involved, that whilst you like him you are keen for both their sakes that they understand that breaking the law is not something you would turn a blind eye to. He is legally an adult and whilst the age difference isn't substantial and she is close to the age of consent the difference in legal position raises issues which you would be willing to pursue if needed.

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