Name changed for this.
Please bear with me - it’s super long and I don’t want to drip feed!
Every Christmas since my parents divorced, me and DB spent alternate years at my DMs and DDad’s.
Before my parents split, my DGM (DM’s mum) came for Christmas dinner every other year (spending the alternate one with my aunt and cousins). This continued after the split, meaning that every Christmas that me and DB spent at DM’s was also spent with DGM.
This would have been fine, but DM just does not get on with her own DM. There’s lingering issues there from when DM was a child, but DGM won’t hear that she’s ever been anything less than a perfect mother. For DM, christmas day with DGM is manic - everything is timed to the minute, including picking up DGM and dropping her off again in late afternoon, meaning that by about 5pm, DM is so exhausted from the stress of dinner and organising the logistics of getting DGM (wheelchair-bound, very poor hearing and sight) out and about and making sure she’s comfortable, that she goes straight to bed.
This year, me and DB decided that the best thing would be for us to reverse the christmas plan for one year, so that on christmas day we’re at DM’s while DGM is at my aunt’s, and we can spend the day with DM without her being too stressed to enjoy the day. I told DDad about this, and he seemed okay with the plan – we arranged to meet him later in the week to do a dinner-and-presents day. We told DM we’d be with her all day, and she was thrilled.
However, DB then decided that he thought it was too mean to not spend at least some of xmas with DDad, so he then arranged that he would go and see him for lunch. He didn’t tell me or DM about this until it was already all organised.
DDad is now super excited, and has arranged to invite his sister and mum up to his for christmas, and to cook a big dinner for all of us. I didn’t find out that he’d planned this until last week, when he told me to come “any time from ten” and that he was looking forward to us all watching the queen’s speech together.
I confronted DB about this, and he shrugged and said it wasn’t fair to change the way things had been for so many years.
If we go to DDad’s for xmas lunch, DM will be pissed, but try and hide it – lots of passive aggression and pointed remarks, which will go on for weeks. It’s caused me massive anxiety in the past, and I’m keen to avoid it if possible.
If we stay at DM’s, DB will feel guilty for not seeing DDad. If only DB goes to Ddad’s for lunch, I’ll look massively rude, and DSM will definitely have something to say about it. (Besides which, DB is DM’s favourite, and she’ll resent being left with her second-best kid for her favourite day of the year.)
Please, any suggestions?!