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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is batshit crazy behaviour

23 replies

Beansonapost · 20/12/2017 14:49

Why do people expect family members to be involved in their children/child life?... NOT MIL/FIL but BIL/SIL etc.

Had my second in March....a group I am a part of all delivered in the same month.

Now I've been catching up with one of the ladies and she keeps moaning about how her BIL and his girlfriend make no time or effort to see her LO. She goes on about how upsetting it is because BIL seems to spend his time with his girlfriend's family and always have an excuse as to why they can't come and visit, apparently they live 20mins away. Her family however always makes the effort and sees the child once a week.

I don't get it! I tried explaining that we cant expect people to change because we've had a baby... people have lives. She doesn't get it...thinks I'm being unreasonable and because DH and I have no family close by I wouldn't get it. I grew up in a big close-knit family... I know the importance of family.

She let it get to the point where she has had an argument with her MIL about it... MILs response was its something between her two sons; not much detail was given. She has told MIL she needs to apologise or they won't be seeing the child anymore and Christmas is cancelled fucking OTT behaviour IMO

She has asked what I think she should do... I again told her, her world revolves around her child other people have lives and she should really get over it, apologise and enjoy her LO's first Christmas... she can't bring herself to let it go. it is her firstborn btw.

She's had other people agree with her, so feels very justified.

Is this a thing? do people really expect the world to stop because they've had a child?

OP posts:
Pennywhistle · 20/12/2017 15:10

You friend does sound rather intense and no of course other people’s lives don’t revolve round your children, however 10years on I’m still pretty hurt that my sibling didn’t come to visit when my twins were born.

I haven’t caused a family war about it though.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:18

Some people are really fucking weird about their families, I do not get it.
My family do not live in each others pockets and I am very glad of that.

My best friends fucked up family still include past exes in invites to weddings and Xmas. Now that is equally freaking insane.

YCAWS · 20/12/2017 15:23

Whaaaaat! Why would BIL & SIL drop everything to run around a newborn (which are pretty boring tbh!)

user1497357411 · 20/12/2017 16:14

My mother's two brothers came to our Christmas show with the girl guides/boy scouts for 8 years. They were single and didn't have any children and were always invited to dinner at our house later but still. 8 years going to an annual do watching other people's children on stage! (Though I guess we all liked the Luciaparade. That is always nice and really gives a good Christmas "hygge" mood.)

Arrowfanatic · 20/12/2017 16:17

I could not live in my families pockets.

I don't expect them to be involved in my kids day to day lives. My mum visits when she can, my older sister too.

Batshit crazy if you ask me

Maxbenji · 20/12/2017 16:21

It's totally up to the family. My sister was super excited when I had my DD and came over within the first week and again the next month (she lives a 2 1/2 drive away). I very rarely see her and when I go she comes to ours (we also have dogs we can't leave) or we meet at our parents. I'd love to see her more & she'd love to see us but we both have lives!
Your friend doesn't need to do anything, keep inviting them if she wants, but make each occasion more special rather that a weekly invite...

lornathewizzard · 20/12/2017 16:27

Erm, because they're the kids aunts and uncles? And their kids are/will be cousins? I'm not saying they need to visit every week or whatever but make a bloody effort! DHs brother lives 10mins away and makes arse all effort and it's shit tbh

lornathewizzard · 20/12/2017 16:28

I'd love to be able to see my family once a week but they live too far away.

Gudgyx · 20/12/2017 16:32

Our families are opposites really.

My parents and sister see DD about 4-5 times a week. They live about 5 minutes away, and my mum provides childcare for me 3 days a week. We pop up at weekends too normally. My brother lives 5 minutes away, and absolutely loves spending time with DD. She goes for sleepovers at their house, he takes her on days out etc

DPs family on the other hand. His parents have seen DD maybe twice this year. One of his brothers lives abroad, but isn't interested either way, think he's only met her twice full stop. His other brother lives about half an hour away, makes out he's interested but doesn't show it. She actually saw them quite regularly until maybe the past 8 or 9 months, when his interest just dropped and he didn't ask to see her anymore, ask after her etc.

I know it hurts DP that they are not more interested, but what can you do about it really.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 20/12/2017 16:44

My dsis was the same. When she had her ds and dd I was under enormous pressure to be involved. I lived 3+ hours drive away and was a student so the petrol alone was most of my weeks money. Every second weekend was not even enough to her. It really drew a wedge between us.

Nearly 10 years later I have a 3 year old ds and I can count on my hands the number of times she has met him. We are still close and I love my niece and nephew, but hard not to bear a grudge

MillennialFalcon · 20/12/2017 16:47

Totally OTT to cancel Christmas because she wants her BIL to spend more time with her baby, surely Christmas could have been a chance to spend time together as a family?! Completely counterproductive and now they won't want to see her more because of the drama. It sounds like there is an underlying issue between her DH and BIL that she is ignoring and she needs to see the bigger picture rather than taking it as a personal rejection. And if I'm reading your OP correctly she is threatening to cut her MIL off from seeing the baby just for not taking sides? That's unfair on everyone, especially the baby. I understand she's upset but I really think she will regret this when she realises she has alienated everyone.

Some people just aren't that into babies who aren't their own. I adore our DN and see him weekly, whereas DH is great with him when he sees him on special occasions but won't go out of his way to visit, he's busy with work and just not that emotionally invested. I know it disappoints SIL but he doesn't mean it personally. As you say, it's just that other people's lives don't change the same way yours does when you have a baby. Reading this, I'm very grateful she hasn't taken it this badly!

pictish · 20/12/2017 16:49

I think expecting your childless bil and his girlfriend to make a special effort to hang out with your baby is pretty unrealistic. Of course some families have this dynamic going on but most don't. Her mil's response that it's between the brothers was a good one and your friend sounds very controlling to threaten her because it didn't tally in with what she wanted to hear. She's an arsehole. Sorry.

Phineyj · 20/12/2017 16:52

DH and I made big efforts with our nieces but now we've got a DD, it is not reciprocated - because 'people have lives' I suppose! People really do vary in how much they value sibling/cousin relationships and it's awkward when there's a mismatch.

Misspilly88 · 20/12/2017 16:52

She's a bit extreme but I have to say I'm pretty disappointed that my SIL has never once made the effort to visit my children. All of my family are abroad and I wanted the dcs to have a close family member other than us...but as you say you can't force anyone. I just know id be different if it was my niece or nephew.

GoodLittleWoman · 20/12/2017 16:52

Your SIL's reaction is OTT but tbh if my brother didn't make the effort to come and visit me after I'd had a baby I would be really fucked off. Is that unreasonable? No one I know IRL would think it was Confused.

I'm not a huge baby person and I still always made the effort to go. It's just common decency, surely.

pictish · 20/12/2017 16:54

Where does it say he's never been to see her and the baby?

crunchymint · 20/12/2017 16:57

I went to my niece and nephews stuff. My sister and BIL do not give a shiny shit about me or my family.
I find if relationships are good between adults, they are normally good between adults and children.

XmasTreeOhXmasTree · 20/12/2017 16:58

I think that she is probably used to her own family (siblings and parents) being very involved with her child. Consequently, she feels bad for her partner that his brother is not interested. Her husband may well feel very isolated from his brother and upset that he sees his girlfriend's children.

You can't say that this lady has been over the top with her MiL because you weren't there. For all you know, her MiL may have said some horrible things and that's why she wants her to apologise.

StrawBasket · 20/12/2017 17:04

It goes both ways. You can read some posters who believe they are entitled to a cuddle and to see babies as soon as they are born, as much and as often as they want. They are horribly smug and unpleasant towards mothers who want peace and space. You can imagine how they are about their own children. So yes, some people do believe the world revolve around their children!

Then it's up to the family dynamic. If you have a close family, it's difficult to understand that not everybody feels that way. I am lucky I am very close to my sisters and their family, but honestly apart from them, other people's children are boring and uninteresting. Some parents cannot comprehend that.

yourhavingagiraffee · 20/12/2017 17:08

My bil & his wife were extremely upset (moaned to anyone that would listen) that our world didn't revolve around their first child.

Although they made zero attempt to see my 2nd baby who is 9 months older etc. Bil would moan cry to pil that my husband didn't go visit most nights/weekends, bearing in mind we had 2 young kids and both worked and had our own lives to live.

Safe to say relationship has only got worse as they are very self centred and extremely petty and I no longer bother with them.

diddl · 20/12/2017 17:23

I agree that it's between the brothers.

So now MIL isn't allowed to see her (only?) GC?

Seems very harsh, and it was unlikely that the MIL would takes sides between her sons.

Perhaps the woman was just after a bit of sympathy though that her husband's brother wasn't interested?

Moanyoldcow · 20/12/2017 18:18

Your friend is BU.

I expect no one to run around after my children. My PIL adore my DS which is lovely for all of us but it's very much not an expectation or obligation.

monkeysee100 · 21/12/2017 18:27

Brandon's post, this is so familiar!

My SIL thought nothing of announcing her impending baby over Christmas dinner while we were undergoing genetic testing for our child and to find out if we could/should have another. Btw I was the only one in the family who didn't know!Hmm

My SIL kicked off that we didn't make enough of a fuss when she was pregnant and when she had the baby (we were invited round while she was in labour Hmm and again the next day to give presents

The worst thing is she is the most inattentive parent who allows my mil to have the kids non stop

I've just had my second and I don't expect the adulation that some do!!

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