Non contact

[Hatsoffdear]

I want my lovely dil to go non contact with her vile abusive parents at least for a while. She agrees. They seem as nice as pie and then make horrible comments to her really quietly about her appearance and parenting and this spiralls her into a depression. Every time she’s happy and coping they being her down.

So has anyone gone non contact? Has it worked? Advice please

What has this got to do with you? You want your dil to go nc? It's her decision. Back off.

Mmm she’s unable to look after my dgd due to a collapse in her mental health and I am supporting them both!!!

I have taken leave from work to support them. I love her and as a family we want her well and happy. My ds is beside himself.

What a stupid unsupportive nasty post Alison you will make a typical mumsnet mil wont you!

And she wants to! Read the fucking post.

I don't really understand the question.

Presumably the trick is just to not contact them? It may back fire if they do not understand what is happening and why. Have you or your son tried confronting them about their behaviour and specifying what words are unacceptable and why?

the thing about non-contact as opposed to articulating what behaviour is unacceptable is that it doesn't resolve anything - it just makes the person feel depressed about having a bad relationship with their parents and not being able to do anything about it.

Sorry - that came over harsher than intended. I understand she wants to stop talking to them but I guess it would be best to leave it to her to handle as she wants. It's not really your call. If she asks you for advice then I think the kindest thing is for her to explain why she is going non contact then stop contacting them. I hate the idea of just stopping contact, often leaving the other party confused and upset about what has happpened. Regardless of whether they are abusive or not, it takes a special kind of cruelty to simply stop talking to your parents without telling them why.

The reality of NC as an adult with shit parents is the shit parents probably won't give a fuck and it'll just hurt your dil.

But if that's it then al she really needs to do is stop speaking to them. Maybe delete/block numbers and social media and then just move on from it.

Just make sure she's not expecting a big emotional reunion in a few years time when they miraculously see the error of their ways. it doesn't happen like that.

Regardless of whether they are abusive or not, it takes a special kind of cruelty to simply stop talking to your parents without telling them why.

Bullshit.

Agree with @BadFeminist. My 'D'M is a nasty piece of work. Best thing I ever did was cut the bitch out of my life. It was starting to affect my kids and I wasn't going to have that happen. In my case it was easy. But struggled with low contact for years.

If she's not able to look after her child because of her parents then she needs to cut all ties, for her sake and her daughter's. Children come first. If she doesn't and it continues then her child is going to be affected as she grows up. It sounds like you're very supportive so just continue to be there for her and help her to see she doesn't need them in her life.

Sorry for being snippy but it’s a very hard time.

Ok she has tried and tried to build a relationship with them and again and again they just bring her down. They criticise everything.

I don’t want to confront them as she doesn’t want me too. My ds has on many occasions. They act like it’s dil who is unreasonable. It’s not. They even told her in a wedding speech how lucky she was to marry ds. It wasn’t s joke.

I know it sounds unbelievably but they seem to deliberately set out to upset and undermine both their children.

Please has anyone any experience of this?

Thanks met we are trying.

BadFeminist you have it exactly. She cuts contact. They try to instigate and say sorry. She thinks they mean it. She meets them and they ok for a while and just as she feels they are the parents she needs and deserves they being her right down again.

Vicious circle of abuse

Honestly?

I moved out at 16 and then spent bouts of one, three and then one years no contact with my mother and haven't spoken to my father in 8. They are divorced. I also live very far from my mother as a safety buffer. She cannot drive so visits are on my terms.

The ONLY reason my mother got second chances is because I needed a Mother, and each time the relationship broke down I would cut ties until I felt able to reconnect.

After the last NC she was the one to apologise for her actions not only in the present but for the horrid of my childhood. She is making a visible effort which is her saving grace.

We have a tense relationship at times and it only exists because she is a good grandmother to my children. If she goes back to how she behaved before I will cut ties for good. She knows this.

My father, there were no positives to combat the negatives and no effort on his part so I feel no loyalty to keep him in my life. He hasn't attempted to contact me once, I reached out to be ignored, this is his choice.

If her relationship with her parents is as toxic you seem to think then I fail to see how she will lose anything.

Feminist

Yes she reaches out every time because she wants a kind nice mum and of course she should have one. She wants her now but she wants the mum she would like to have not the one she has. I think she just hopes they will change. Her dad is worse. Very vicious.

They are big church goers and pillars of the community. It’s so sad and so unfathomable to me.

Thanks for the advice and so sorry for your upbringing. It’s so unfair xx

How old is she OP?

She’s older then my ds so 30.

sounds like her parents are classic narcissists

ask her to read up on it so she can understand the dynamic for herself and how to manage them and the no-contact.

www.scarymommy.com/narcissistic-parents-incapable-loving-children/

Omg just read that heebie and it’s them to a tee. They both used corporal punishment too. Big time. I will get her to read that.

There’s not much things better in life then a good safe loving childhood is there? Poor pet has no foundations.

They told her that she should ‘make more effort’ or my ds would look elsewhere. Who says that to their own dd? Or anyone?

I think she's old enough then to be able to make the decision.

They are arseholes.

Agree Feminist although I think the constantly trying to get approval does make you act and seem younger then you actually are.

You see what I mean like w child always wanting validation where a good parent gives it and the child becomes the confident adult at the proper time.

Not well put but hope you see what I mean. She wants to please them all the time and us too.

100%

When I first met my children's fathers mother all those years ago I bent over backwards to try and impress her and make her like me. She was lovely and very motherly but I think that set a precedent of me always having to make the effort with her.

With DP, all these years later, his mother made a shitty comment and I haven't spoken or seen her since, fuck that.

Your DIL may have just not reached that point of realising how we facilitate it and how much better off you are to just move on and cut ties.

Yes totally totally agree.

She spends ages worrying that she has offended us or one of dss siblings and tries so hard to please. It’s so bloody sad.

Yes she does need to cut ties and move on but guessing it’s bloody hard.

She's spent 30 years being made to feel completely inadequate and not good enough. It's learned behaviour she's going to really struggle changing.

I wish her all the best.