When you know of an affair...

[WhatHappensInVagas411]

I've NC as this is very outing.

An in law (A) has confided in us that they are having an affair and are planning to leave their spouse (B). I'm not surprised but I am gutted. I really like B and they have always been very nice and supportive.

Now every time I see B I feel like a two faced bitch. Knowing what's going on behind their back and them being totally oblivious to it. I'm trying to avoid seeing A and B as much as possible but now it's Christmas it's kind of hard.

AIBU to be fucked off with A for putting us in this awkward position. We're quite a close family and this will blow everything apart. If others find out we knew, we'll lose people we love.

Any advise on how to deal with the guilt I feel?

Tell A they have til New Year to 'fess up or you will ...

Not an option. DP's loyalty is with A and my loyalty to DP comes before anything. I don't think he would forgive if I said anything.

You just have to suck it up and be quiet. My DH’s best friend did that to his DP. Luckily it didn’t last long, but I still can’t forgive him for it.

My friend is married to a man that I know cheated on her. They were engaged when he cheated, it was a one-off as apposed to an affair.

I know the woman he cheated with because it was my sister.

Me, my sister and our friend are all really close. We have all been best friends for nearly 20 years.

I told my friends fiancé that I know he'd cheated.

Unfortunately my sister was also with a long term partner and had a child with him. If I'd have disclosed the ONS it would have broken up my sister's family and it would have destroyed our friendship circle and I doubt my sister would ever have forgiven her. At the end of the day my loyalty was to my sister.

About a year after the ONS they got married and I was bridesmaid at their wedding as was my sister. I felt so sick. All I could think was "I should have told her" but in reality I know it was never an option for me.

They've been married about 8 years now and I still harbour the secret. We are all still really close and I still have feelings of guilt not that I didn't tell her as such, but more the fact that I know about the affair and haven't told her, it feels like I'm colluding with her now DH and I feel that I'm betraying her by staying quiet just as much as my sister and her now DH did.

It's horrible.

You have my sympathy OP because it's an incredibly difficult position to be in and it's not as black and white as just telling the truth because the consequences can be horrendous.

I think it was terribly unfair of you to be put in this position, at least I only knew about it because I caught them.

I hope you somehow find an answer as to what to do

Not your rodeo.

Affairs are complicated and shitty and the messenger ALWAYS gets some level of redirected anger.

Crikey, what an awkward situation A has put you in. Why did A tell you? I have a feeling it's because, they wanted to gauge your reaction, and somehow telling you made it all the more real about ending the marriage. Doesn't help you I know, but if I were you, keep quiet, A might decide not to do it, and if they do, explain to B that you didn't want to hurt them, and didn't think it was your place to say anything, but whatever happens you will always be their friend.

Unfortunately my sister was also with a long term partner and had a child with him. If I'd have disclosed the ONS it would have broken up my sister's family and it would have destroyed our friendship circle and I doubt my sister would ever have forgiven her.

Sorry to derail the thread OP, but Queen WTF? Your sister had a ONS and she would not have forgiven the person whose partner she cheated with if she had exposed it? Wow, talk about not taking responsibility for your own actions. Unbelievable!

Well your DP should have a fucking semblance of loyalty to you too I'm afraid.

You tell your DP that you will NOT be put in a position of being a two faced liar to a guest in your own home over Christmas. Tell him to tell his brother that he doesn't have the right to impose his shittiness on the wider family and put all their relationships at risk. It's his brother's responsibility to either tell her now or make sure they keep their distance until he has sorted this.

Your sister had a ONS and she would not have forgiven the person whose partner she cheated with if she had exposed it? Wow, talk about not taking responsibility for your own actions. Unbelievable!

I mean I doubt my sister would have forgiven me if I had exposed it.

Loyalty makes things very difficult

Maybe A is actually hoping that you will tell his wife and that's why he told you? I really do think it's wrong to keep mum. That poor woman won't know what's hit her. Do you know whether he has told anyone else? Or whether his tart has threatened to spill the beans? Maybe you could write her an anonymous letter-it's the decent thing to do. No loyalty is due to cheating scum.

Well your sister was not thinking about loyalty to her DP when she was shagging someone else. Blaming you would have still meant no responsibility for her own actions.

I totally agree with FizzyGreenWater. Your DP isn’t the one being wronged. I would say what Tinsel suggested-they have until new year to tell them. It’s not fair to put you in that position. Really don’t see how your DP can feel like you did anything wrong by doing this.

Blaming you would have still meant no responsibility for her own actions.

Very true.

But my options were to tell my friend, break up their engagement, ruin our friendship circle, break up my sister's family and probably lose my sister...

.....or I just stayed quiet. So I did.

Like I say, I still feel guilty about it very frequently, it's always there when I look at my friend, it's very hard to know I'm keeping such an awful secret from her but I made my decision not to tell her so I just have to try and push it out of my mind.

OP I would suggest that when it all comes out, you vehemently deny any prior knowledge. At least then you can't be blamed for keeping a dirty secret. If A says they told you, you can just deny it.

I'm not sure what it says about your partner that his loyalty is to A who is having an affair? Where are HIS principles?

Affairs are complicated and shitty and the messenger ALWAYS gets some level of redirected anger

Not always. When I was told I thanked the person for telling me and we are still good friends

Exactly what Green Fizzy Water said. With bells on.
Don't let shitty A use you as his method of breaking it to his wife so he doesn't have to
Tell DH, you cannot be used in this way, he needs to be loyal to YOU not A. It is not loyal to you if he expects both of you to be A's accomplices.
A can fix his own problems but not in your house and not over Christmas.
Cancel their visit and tell A why.
He's let you know in the hope you will deal with his wife and his problems, caused by his own selfish actions. He is deliberately dragging you into it, demanding loyality from your DH so that you have to take A's side and not Bs' Why should you have to be involved at all? (so unfair on you and your poor SIL). Also. It's up to you if you chose to comfort someone that horrible A is being cruel to.. not for your DH to dictate.

If the inlaw actually told you then they have played fast and loose with their own secret and made it not a secret any more.

Having an affair is shitty behaviour it’s also shitty behaviour to disclose to someone and put them in the situation you are now in.

Your husband gets to choose what he does with that information, you get to choose what you do with it.

What a nasty position to be in op. No I wouldn’t tell but I would never discuss it with A again or allow him/her to with you. End of.

no advice, but I agree it's a shitty position to put you in.