Wibu to not go to DP's grandmothers (possibly last) birthday?

[Mrsknackered]

Bit of a back story. We have been NC with PIL for 2 years, as they failed to ever accept me into the family, because of my race. The only family member who wholeheartedly accepted me, and didn't make a comment about the DC ethnicity is DP's grandmother.

DP and I have been going through a bit of a shit time recently, but we have spoken at length and we're gonna work through our differences, so we are still spending Christmas together, my parents and the DC.

DP's grandmothers birthday is on Christmas Eve and yesterday we received an invite. She's very elderly now, and quite poorly. DP really wants to go, which I think he should because a) we do not know how much longer she will be here and b) she would miss his presence. But I don't think I want to go or the DC, as the rest of his family will be there, which will not only set off my anxiety but I don't believe my children should be placed in that (probably very passive aggressive) environment and if any arguments were to break out, ultimately it would ruin DP's grandmothers birthday/party.
He understands why I don't want to go but thinks we should be there together, to show that we're not bothered by their views and are there to support one another. Which I think is also a very good point.
Sadly, due to grandmother being on dialysis and various other treatments, it's not like we can just pop in another time and we live 200 miles away, we are in the area for Christmas only.
Would you go? I can see pros and cons to both.

You and the DC might never see her again after this. Go, you don't have to speak to anyone except her. At least send the DH and DC.

This is a tricky one. In theory it would be a shame for the racist twats to stop you attending her birthday party. On the other hand I wouldn’t ever want me or my children in the same room as the racist twats. So I would suggest that DP attends the party alone. Could the two of you visit her (with or without DCs) another time while you are in the area?

Make your excuses for the party if she knows the situation she'll understand
You can go the day before and make a huge fuss of her when the others arnt there you need to make the effort her

Effort for her*

The really important question is, does she want to see you? If so, all of dps family can go f* themselves.
I agree with your partner that if you all go you will show a united front. Perhaps it is it possible with grandmother being unwell the rest of the family will be on good behaviour?

I fee that you should go to support your dp - especially if you have had a tough time recently. It will show him you value him and his important relationship with his grandmother at a difficult time. It shows you put him above his horrible family.

ChristmasFerret I'm not 100% sure she knows the situation. Her memory isn't all that great, and although she remembers DP and I, she is always taken aback by the boys as if she's never seen them before.

We are arriving on Christmas Eve and leaving Boxing Day, and as she lives with a racist family member it's not all that easy seeing her (she had to leave her home about 6 months ago due to disability)

I do think I should because of 'united front' but I really don't know if I have the energy to deal with MIL/FIL/SIL. DP has two younger brothers primary school aged, and they're instructed not to speak to me because they 'don't want to encourage our lifestyle' :(

I definitely won't be taking DS1 - he can stay with my mum if I do go, because he's nearly 5 and is much more aware of what is going on. DS2 is a clinger, so he won't be entertaining any of them anyway!

No reason why dh can't pop in ahead and ask them to wait outside while you have some private time with her.
Don't let the nasty fuckers keep you away from being respectful to someone you respect back.