*lighthearted* To think my teenage son might be...

[ididntmeanitlikethat]

a vampire

DS is 14 and appears to be allergic to daylight. He'd happily spend his whole life in his bedroom, blinds closed, no light on...ever!

He speaks a weird language, that only his vampire teenage friends appear to understand.

There's this strange smell attached to him, which no amount of deodorant masks

Oh yes, girls too. My oldest has a floordrobe, a collection of kitchen stuff with strange things growing in them and an inability to put anything in the bloody bin.

I shut the door and pretend it's not happening. When she buggers off back to uni I go in and open windows, clean and hoover.

Still one child to go through this. Joy.

DS1 is at uni now. The smell abates during term time and reappears in the holidays. I think it is mainly unwashed clothes and bed linen now - the bedding I do but I'm not picking clothes and towels off the floor for an 18yo who has been doing his own laundry all term.

PS there has never been a Lynx habit among my boys but The Smell still appears from time to time

What amazes me is the way that Lynx, liberally applied by a teenager, can reach every single corner of even the largest house!

When all three dses were teenagers, getting ready in the morning, you could feel the smell of Lynx, even through closed doors.

Basically, it is weaponised fragrance. Probably not an advertising tagline they will want to use.

What is the average age for emergence I wonder?

It varies IME - I do think finding a romantic partner that they want to impress/bring back to the house has a wonderful effect on personal cleanliness and tidying their room. I also refused to buy Lynx products any more after having to roll down the car windows in mid winter to escape the Lynx-fug that enveloped the car when I was giving DS and friends a lift to a party. I pitied any teenage girls that they tried to get close to that night.

I have a member of the same species.
Every so often to supposedly keep me happy he will open his bedroom window for about 2 minutes. This apparently means he is not obliged to view natural light for the rest of the day, has had enough fresh air to keep him going for several weeks and the peculiar smell slightly lessens.

Mine is not officially a teen yet but certainly acts like one. Clothes are dropped 1 metre from the clothes basket, sweet wrappers under the bed and drawn curtains and blinds.

DS is also a light dodger. DD on the other hand I have to repeatedly TELL to shut her curtains. I am sure the neighbours opposite are perfectly nice people but I don't want them to be watching my teenage daughter cavorting in her underwear and she seems completely oblivious.

I am turning into my Mother. She would always get agitated if some guys were coming over to deliver a new carpet or similar and we weren't up and dressed. "Get up! The men are coming!" is still a family saying. As if some poor hapless carpet fitters were going to be lusting after us three spotty skinny girls in our flannelette nighties and specs. But now I am the same!

Girls on the other hand live in the bathroom so I think it’s vampires v mermaids. App quite normal. They do grow up.

"Get up! The men are coming!"

This made me chuckle...the image of you all rushing around to get decent before they arrive!

This thread has made me laugh soooo much. Thankyou!!
I first noticed the transition not from the smell - though that was powerful - but about 2 years ago he stopped speaking English and began speaking Meme. I don't have a dictionary, so we communicate in the only mutual language we still share, Nag, which I developed a few years ago, and he responds with expressive French Shrugs and eye rolls, accompanied by the same single drawn out sing song mumble which sounds a bit like "IddunnoKKnowwww" or "IsaaaaaiDOKkkaaaayyy!"

I have 2 of them OP.

I keep large amounts of garlic in the house.

We just have 'hmm' about 90% of the time. There's a no idea hmm, Mum your boring me hmm, meh hmm, maybe later hmm , an I'll pretend I'm listening hmm and many more I haven't quite translated.

Ah!! this is clearly the reason why teenage son responds to most questions with the single word "dead" .

Ah yes, teenage girls can also be vampires, mine likes curtains closed all day, although lights have to be on (even though it's bright daylight outside - my electric bills! !) So maybe only half vampire, half mermaid (she also seems to live in the bath when not asleep or wandering round half dressed.) Conversation isn't too bad at the moment but I do get tired of shouting all the time because most conversations seem to take place while she also has headphones glued to her ears.

oh metalmum I feel your pain re headphones!

How many one sided conversations I enjoy with my ds in the car on the way to school

I don't know when it ends but I think it mostly starts at about 12. My lovely funny nephew has just been replaced with a shuffling mumbling spotty zombie who just stares at the tv and his phone when we are around!

Oh and his poor mother, my unsuspecting sister in law, said to me, "I don't know what's going on with Tim, but I can't get him out of the bathroom these days! I used to have to nag him for days to have a shower, now he's in there for hours."

ERM..........

I wasn't going to be the one to tell her

A friend once told me her teenage sons room smelled of livestock and entitlement

This thread has cheered me up no end.
My mermaid 1 just called down stairs to tell me she heard the door bell but didn’t answer! Wtaf. 2 parcels now to be collected for her

livestock and entitlement

Love this!

When does this phase end it's been driving me insane. They never want to go out anywhere. You can't even nip into town without loads of grunting and growling the whole way

I have a female vampire but I'm pretty sure she's a vegetarian vampire as she wants to eat nothing but salads and cheese pizza.

"Get up! The men are coming!"

That was my mum too! So funny looking back at it, she'd get in a right flap. You'd think the queen herself was coming to read the meters.

I don't have any teens yet but this thread is hilarious, I hope it's as funny when you're living it!

My DS was the same, and thought he was self-cleaning. That smell, yes. Hormones combined with TheBigUnwashed. It passes. He's a young dad himself now, he showers daily ánd baths his baby-son. His girlfriend doesn't complain. Still, mornings are a challenge. The trick is not to talk to him, communicate by pointing and putting things in front of him, like coffee.

I have a female vampermaid. Basically vampiric with mermaid tendencies. Will only eat mugshots and pizza and dies if I dare open her bedroom curtains / window.

However, two nights a week she is perfect - ATC. It’s an amazing transformation. Bedroom goes from floordrobe pit to immaculate - especially if fellow cadets are staying. Although I have to say - 3 female vampermaids can beat the fug of lynx. 3 lots of different spray deodorants followed by hairspray and perfume. I can open every window in the house and still cut the fug with a knife to remove it.

Please tell me it passes soon