To expect a reasonable sex life after having dc?

[Nightskydreamer]

I gave birth nearly 9 months ago now, I'm all healed and greenlighted my dh that was all was ok around 12 weeks after I have birth (I needed to have surgery down there).

We have had sex once since March.

He simply isn't interested. I've tried talking to him about it, throwing myself at him, naughty lingerie, spontaneous kitchen/shower foreplay.... he is just tired 24/7.

He's been to the dr to see if there's an underlying reason why he is so tired but nothing medical.

Dc is now pretty much sleeping through and we have evenings to ourself but nothing. All he wants to do is eat and sleep.

I made his favourite dinner last night, and suggested an early night so we could just cuddle as I need some intimacy in my marriage and he decided to have a 45 minuet shower and go on his comp.

I feel very unwanted and whilst I know he loves me I feel its not enough. Its effecting the way I think of him

Tired all the time... no interest in sec... is there a chance he’s depressed? What was his sex drive like prior to having a baby?

I meant sex, obviously!

Was he at the business end during your delivery? You say you needed surgery, is it possible he was traumatised by the sight of you tearing or similar?

Did he want children?

He sounds depressed

His sex drive wasn't amazing before having dc, and has been the source of arguments in the past, but this now is the worst it's ever been. The doctor mentioned depression and gave him a number to ring for therapy but he wont ring it

He was at the business end, despite my pleads to stay near my head he went down for a look. He was also in surgery with me and saw 3 surgeons working on me. I've asked him if it's effected the way he sees me but insists not

Yes he wanted children, dc was planned and welcomed x

I was going to suggest depression too. I think it would be different if he was saying he just didn't want to do it much and you have to like it or lump it, but if he's saying he would like to except he's tired all the time - and you can see that's true - then it warrants a bit more patience and investigation... Although are you saying he says he's tired but then stays up late on his computer? In which case you might need a discussion about how he is using his time. It's one thing to have patience with someone's libido after having a child, but I'd be less forgiving if my partner wasn't putting any time at all aside to spend with me for seemingly no reason at all.

X post with your update, sorry.

Remember that often the adult dynamic changes quite significantly from a psychological perspective, OP.

You are now a mother, and, as Freudian as this sounds, this can activate something in your DH's psyche to the point where it becomes an interference to normal, healthy, adult-to-adult sexual relating.

In other words, it may have triggered 'mother issues', however benign. You have gone from "whore" (so to speak!) to "madonna", or 'virgin'.

If everything medical has been ruled out, and your DH's desire doesn't return, then I'd be suggesting he goes to talk to someone to deal with this.

I think your H has probably always had a fairly low sex drive, by the sound of it. Was he brought up in a religious family? (religion is often poisonous in terms of damaging people's sexuality as all the main religious are profoundly misogynistic).

You could ask him to look into some sort of therapy, which might help but he needs to want to want sex in the first place. If his view of sex is that it's a bit icky and unnecessary unless you want to have another baby - and, particularly, if he's got a fixed idea that nice decent wives and mothers endure sex to make babies and women who actually enjoy it are slags - then this may not change.

There is also the fact that, ultimately, a person has a right to dislike sex and refrain from it. It might be the case that he's never going to have much of an interest and will resent you more and more for wanting a) sex to happen and b) him to make an effort. The marriage might not be sustainable longterm - but if you can talk about it honestly and with kindness, the separation might stay amicable.

Before DS2 OH and I would have sex 4+ times a week; now it's maybe once a week. He wants it and I don't. DS2 is 7mo.

I have no interest in sex just now. I am chronically tired, mind fog, cannot get in the mood, would rather do anything else, hair falling out, gastrointestinal issues etc.
Although they may be symptoms of depression it can also be a vitamin deficiency. I know I'm not depressed, so I'm taking a general multivitamin and a B12 supplement (I don't eat meat and this can lower b12).

It might be something as simple as that and not depression, which is why he never phoned the therapist, or him having gone off you.

I love my OH, I want to be with only him and still fancy him. I just cannot make myself want to get physical. Just another perspective

this happened to me after ds1. Barely ever had sex again. Made me feel like shit and I think ultimately indirectly led to us splitting. Once the sex goes, you may as well just be friends.