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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want to give MIL a piece of my mind

25 replies

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:30

My mother has a progressive neurological disease and my father has been ill with several serious illnesses over the last two months and he is her main carer.

I am helping all I can and feel very sorry for them at the moment.

MIL is aware, I've told her. She is fit and healthy, has a jam packed social calendar, has a young grandson and two other children, and yet she still tries to guilt trip my husband into loads of family time at Christmas. We have been asked to make a Christmas party, a Panto, Christmas lunch on the day, a second Christmas down south with family members on the 27th and 28th and casual mid week drinks aswell.

I feel like asking her when she was expecting us to spend time and offer support this Christmas to my ill parents. Grinds my gears, it's so selfish.

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 19/12/2017 17:32

He's her son, so of course she wants to spend time with him. I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the min, but she hasn't done anything wrong in asking. He doesn't have to say yes to them all, and if he does want to go, surely you can each do your own thing?!

taratill · 19/12/2017 17:34

Is she normally so demanding and / or selfish?

Perhaps she thinks you will enjoy the distraction and doesn't realise she is coming across as insensitive.

It does seem as though you have a lot on your plate at the moment so I think if I were you I'd explain to her how your feel or,perhaps better, ask your DP to.

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:36

I know, there's no harm in asking but I feel it's just a bit inconsiderate when she knows that my parents can't make a nice dinner for themselves this year.

I'm all for doing our own thing, but some of it is physical support I give them and the more hands on deck the better.

OP posts:

LucilleBluth · 19/12/2017 17:36

He's her child, of course she wants to see him. Just accept the invitations that you can make and don't do the ones you can't.

Would you be moaning if you weren't in to anything?

RestingGrinchFace · 19/12/2017 17:38

Don't. A short-sorry, we can't make it to everything because we need to spend time with my wife's sick parents too you know. From your DH should be enough. At any rate it's his job to manage his mother's behaviour, not yours. Don't get involved.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2017 17:40

As long as she's not fussing when you say "thanks but no thanks" I don't see the problem. Maybe she's just laying out the possibilities and expecting you to choose the one or two you'd like, rather than deciding in your behalf that you're not interested.

I guess there maybe a back story but this does seem to be a "damned if you do, damned if you don't " scenario.

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:42

Good advice. I'll let him turn her down and take a deep breath. She's always pushy but means well. Just a hard time and particularly inconsiderate I felt.

OP posts:

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 19/12/2017 17:42

Do you and DH do everything together? Is he with you every time you visit your parents and do you have to be with him every time he visits his?

blueskyinmarch · 19/12/2017 17:43

It depends how she reacts when you turn some things down? She may want to give you the options of doing some things with them and asks you so you never feel left out. How does she guilt trip your DH?

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:46

She wasn't laying out options. She was inviting us to all events and would like us to attend all events.

No we do our own thing lots, but not on Christmas Day normally. Also this is about the support aspect. Not the social

OP posts:

AngelsSins · 19/12/2017 17:46

I think there is harm in asking actually because it shows no consideration for you or your family. I'd find that really hurtful....

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:48

Yes she guilt trips him by telling him that Christmas with "just the three of them" - her, husband and eldest son - would be sad so it would mean the world If we could come. He feels guilty. Things like that really

OP posts:

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:49

@AngelsSins you have hit the nail
On the head of how I feel

OP posts:

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 19/12/2017 17:49

So you tell her you can attend X but not Y. I don't think she's being unreasonable by issuing invitations so long as she understands that you can't attend everything.

dreamingofsun · 19/12/2017 17:49

how do u know she wasnt just giving you options? why is it deemed selfish to invite your offspring to pantos and food? I hope my kids do this when they are older You cant expect her to not invite you to things because your parents are ill.....thats up to your husband to politely decline

Motoko · 19/12/2017 17:50

Sorry to hear about your parents, it must be very worrying for you.

What has your DH said about all these invitations? Has he told her that you won't be able to attend them all?

I don't think you should give her a piece of your mind, much as it must be tempting, but you could just explain to her that under the circumstances you need to spend time with your parents to give them some support.

If she's a reasonable person, she'll understand. If she's not, and insists you should do all these things, then you'll need to be more assertive, but that doesn't need to be rude.

ButteredScone · 19/12/2017 17:51

You are overreacting. Calm down.

Your MiL is just doing her Christmas and including her family. You are free to not go. Not sure why not inviting you to things would be somehow better. She's sociable and wants to hang out with you all.

Original poster

bebem · 19/12/2017 17:55

They aren't options as we said yes to one thing, then another, and then more invites are issued. So they weren't laid out as "I know you have a lot on so here are some options" it's was can you do this, and this, and this.

It's not the invitations that bother me per se, it's the acting empathetic but the actions don't really back it up in my opinion

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 18:14

Can you not just ring her and let her know how you are feeling about everything?

She might be able to offer you more support, do shopping, some cooking etc.

silkpyjamasallday · 19/12/2017 18:15

I understand where you're coming from OP, and it is of course going to make you feel stressed and pressured when your MIL knows how much you have on your plate and tries to guilt trip your DH. I don't think it's necessarily coming from a malicious place, just a selfish one.

Coastalcommand · 19/12/2017 18:17

YABU. She just wants to spend time with her son.

L0V3 · 19/12/2017 18:18

My MIL used to try this kind of stuff all the time. We also have family in different parts of the country. She hates it if the plans change and turns in the water works. This is the first time in 9 years she won't be in my home for Christmas demanding a feast and I'm really happy about it.
Be firm. Say "that doesn't work for us, I need to help my parents".
Sorry about your parents btw, that must be hard enough

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2017 18:24

If it were my DC in-laws that were poorly to this extent I would be taking a back seat without being asked.

They're all grown-ups. She can survive without her son for one bloomin Christmas (in fact she should be encouraging him to be helping with his in-laws.}

packofshunts · 19/12/2017 18:25

Not to minimise but my PiL can't be arsed to make any time to see us over Xmas

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 19/12/2017 18:29

Then it isn't about the invitations at all is it? You want her to care about what is happening to your parents and show her concern.

Tell her that if that's how you're feeling. It's not unreasonable. Saying she shouldn't be inviting you to things is confusing the issue.

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