Having children really throws all of your relationships under a stark light...

[KatnissMellark]

DS is 9 months old. I've made some fab friends with DC the same age who just seem to really 'get it' which is fab. Some are great friends for this stage in life, and a couple I'm sure will be really long term friends. Also reconnected with a couple of old friends with slightly older children.

On the other hand, my Dad has seen DS three times since he was born, only one of which was him making the effort to see us. In laws are constantly niggling about how they did things differently and their DC are fine. Other family want to see DC but I need to fit around their dogs schedule . Pregnant friend is constantly telling me how she will be doing things 'quite differently' to me. It's just all a little bit irritating. Obviously tolerance is lower nowadays as I'm busier and more tired, and implied criticisms feel a bit more personal when they're about you're parenting. It's really making me want to avoid some people, and also making me realise that some relationships have always been a bit one way/on the other person's terms...

Ha! yes.
I was told I was irresponsible for having a dog and a gay mate, and for not having a TV. By otherwise apparently normal people.

Yes I think that’s probably true. Some of it is seeing things from a new perspective and some of it is not having the time or energy to put up with other people’s poor behaviour.

Problems between MILs and DILs often don’t start until after kids come along for example.

Personally it was moving through the toddler stage that really changed me. If I’m not prepared to put up with tantrums from a 3 year old I’m absolutely not putting up with them from grown adults.

I’m much tougher post kids.

How bizaareirk, people do seem to think they have a right to comment. And that if you're doing something differently to them it is a personal insult

I think that's true too Penny, I really cannot be bothered with other people's drama anymore...

I sometimes think that the reduced headspace after you have dc can absolutely be a blessing. It really does shine a light on the dynamics of your relationships. I have found it much easier to say I dont care about this person or this issue and not feel guilty for it. Its not that I couldnt say no to people before, its just that it slips off the tongue more readily now.

Yes yes yes. I agree. Now that you don't have time to make all the effort then you loose touch with some people!

My dad came to visit twice in the year after ds was born. I was ill and needed to stay near home to go to the local hospital. My dad was like "oh, we have a hospital too" but couldn't understand the logistical nightmare of being hospitalised hundreds of miles away from home when you have a baby. One friend seemed to be really bossy and gleeful to tell me everything I was doing wrong; telling neighbours and mutual friends that I had pnd and anxiety (when in truth I was fine). My brother and sister and their families did not visit (2 years later have not seen my brother)

Otoh, my mum was amazing, came to stay with us late pregnancy and when baby was born. She also came up to help when I was later hospitalised. My husband has also been just such an awesome dad, and has took an equal share of the load. And oddly, my friend who does very vocally not like children, has actually been the most understanding and accommodating of all my friends.

And I've taken my mums advice "don't build bridges for folk that won't jump puddles for you"

Yep! I think it’s great too! Who can be bothered with petty dramas. Some of my friendships have been really put under a bright light and given me such strength to see that I don’t want those people in my sons life! It’s great to be free of caring!
Don’t dwell too much love. Onwards and upwards!

It's not all one sided. A lot of (most?) people change when they have children. Some parents seem to lose their entire personality, and all they are is a mother or a father - not a person in their own right. All they want to talk about is their children, and I'm not just talking about the newborn days. Of course they're going to lose friends because they're not the person they used to be.

Ime that epiphany of "these are the people who really get it" doesn't always last. People who don't seem interested enough, not making enough effort, irritating in all sorts of ways, may still be great friends or family members in the long run. And vice versa. By the time your dc are teens, you will want totally different things from friends and family. So I wouldn't give up on people just now, just accept that at the moment you won't be listening too much to what they say.

"People think they have the right to comment" goes both ways. I sometimes think those who've had children recently are more used to speaking about things, particularly health related, in such a matter of fact way they sometimes forget you're not an NCT friend. I've had to remind several friends that my downstairs is none of their business but I'm sure they'd never have asked pre-DC.

Cory, that gives me a different perspective on things. So thanks

not the person they used to be

That’s pretty cold surely Daily? You wouldn’t really dump friends just because they naturally a little baby focused in the early years? That wouldn’t make you a very good friend surely.

Hang on in there for a few years and you’ll get your old friend back, perhaps even slightly improved.