Don't know if that's a word but oh well.
This is going to be a long one. Sincere apologies in advance.
I'm really stressed about a multitude of things pregnant with dc2 but I am/was a heavy smoker haven't smoked since finding out but it's so bloody hard. Constantly fighting the urge to run out and buy some.
On top of that I'm overseas first Christmas without my family (as in my mum and siblings) Dh is normally working due to the nature of his job so I've always spent Christmas at my mums without him and returned home Xmas night/Boxing Day morning. This won't be possible as the flights are just so expensive.
I've not been in the mood to decorate or anything to be honest I'm not sure how but Dh went out and bought a few bits this morning and was happy enough to help me put up... one set of lights. After that he was completely unavailable to help. I was left feeling overwhelmed having never done it before (ok laugh if you want but I normally spent Christmas at my mothers and my mum is amazing at it, god I wish she was here) and feeling like a bit of a knob doing it for/with myself. So asked Dh to come out of his office and do some with me (he was gaming not doing anything important) he came out and snapped at me that no he had no time for that as he had to clean because I hadn't done XYZ he'd asked me to do yesterday/the day before (xyz being ironing which I did half of but struggled to do due to toddler ds being naughty and it was unsafe, the rest of it I did, washing, dishes, mopping etc). He martyred himself completely about how much house work he had to do. There was some to do (dishes, sweeping by the back door where ds spilled glitter and taking bins out) none of it has been done yet he's sat on his ass most of the day. Unless he's shouting at me.
It's midnight here right now (australia)
But at 9:30pm Dh asked me to cook some food for him which I was happy to do, this may seem late to some but we're night owls.
I put on some potatoes intending to put sausages and veg with it for him I wasn't very hungry just had a slice of toast. After half hour I asked him to check them he didn't, I began to feel unwell and called out to tell him so and that he'd have to finish them off/serve them himself and he kept badgering me about what he was supposed to do with the potatoes I gave some suggestions and he started having a go saying "oh well fucking fabulous Ill just have a single potato for food. HOW AMAZING" and other such sarcastic comments while he stomped around.
I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me
I'm laying in bed crying, feeling so alone and unfestive. I really wish I'd left the decorations in their boxes, they look shit anyway. I want a cigarette. Angry and upset with Dh, feeling humiliated and hurt.
He shouts at me all the time, at my best I'm not good enough and there's always something to shout at me for.