Affair

[Jammydodger23]

A few days ago found out my wife is having an affair with a man from work, it all came about as the last few weeks she had been really nice and affectionate towards me (much more so than she usually is ) but she is normally a happy and affectionate person anyway. We share the same sense of humour and after 2 weeks of this I jokingly said whats going on are you having a affair, her response was "how did you know".

She admitted that it had only been going on for a couple of weeks, which ties in with the extra affection i was getting.

After I found out she is now very cold towards me, has moved to separate bedroom. I still love her very much, and can forgive her, as I have not paid her as much attention as i should over the last year, due to work and looking after our 2 lovely daughters.

I know she is very confused by the way she is acting, but she is adamant that she does not want to work things out.

I am 51yrs old and she is 17yrs younger, which perviously hasn't been a problem to either of us. But is does make me wonder is she having some sort of early midlife crisis. She acts like a loved up teenager when he messages, as i can tell when he has by the look on her face. He is also married with 2 young children.

Your advice and comments would be most welcome, I really want to try and sort things out.

That's an awful situation. But if she wants to leave, let her go - why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like That?

You seem very calm. I wonder if it hasn't truly sunk in?

Don't do the "pick me" dance. Take some time apart. If she wants to go then you need to just let it happen. She has done this, not you.

34 is not a mid life crisis.

If she doesn't want to work on the relationship there is nothing you can do.

Hi yes I am calm, I did not react in the way I thought I would. I am hoping to keep it amicable what ever happens for the sake of the girls, I have seen what happens to kids in messy split-ups

She has said doesn't want to work things out. I'm sorry, but I think you should accept this and make plans to split.

You deserve better than this. Sorry.

She acts like a loved up teenager when he messages, as i can tell when he has by the look on her face

This is so cruel! How are you so calm? Kick her out!

It's still very very early days and a lot could change. Both your emotions must be running at over drive.
I'd take her at face value. I wouldn't do the pick me dance as it elongates the pain.

I love her very deeply, and most of all don't want the children getting hurt.

The confusion she is going through, I can tell she doesn't know what to do. Its like she is on an emotional rollercoaster and I don't want to push her either way until she comes to a decision with a clear mind, which neither of us have just as the moment.

I agree it would be good to split, but owning our own home and having 2 young children this can't be done quickly or easily as the house would have to be sold before we could move on and neither is us could afford to until a sale as agreed, nor could we afford to keep the house we are in on our own.

No real advice, I'm afraid, but just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Unfortunately you can only work things out if you both want to.

From her perspective, do you know how long things have been "not right" in the relationship? Does she cite your lack of attention over the last year, or is that just a guess on your part?

Could one of you go and stay with friends/family for a while? You sound exceptionally calm, but I think the situation will get harder and more painful if you're both stuck under the same roof with no space to think things through.

Having an affair is one thing, throwing it in your face by smiling when you're in the same room when he messages is disgraceful, self absorbed and cruel.
Have sone self respect, you deserve better than this.
And an affair is only the fault of the party who has an affair, no one else.