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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to have a bit of a limit on Christmas present spending, even if the family is small?

15 replies

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 10:38

My in laws are a tiny family. There's literally just PIL (two only children, no surviving grandparents sadly) and DH and BIL. No children.

My family are much larger - both parents are one child of three, lots of aunts, cousins, siblings etc.

As for everyone, Christmas is an expensive time of the year! However, with in laws there is an expectation of really quite expensive presents. Tney spend around £180-200 per person on us, and we are expected to return this like for like. And the expectation is that, in this, there will be a 'big' present and several smaller ones of £10-20 each, like a stocking.

They are well-off, and for them this is their only Christmas expense really. We, on the other hand, have to buy for my family on top!!
We are finding it financially and practically a bit onerous. Would we be unreasonable to ask for a limit to be put on gifts, of say £50 for giving and receiving? I'm aware that there are fewer presents in the in law's family because it's so small, and I don't want to make Christmas seem thin and meagre, but it would be really helpful if we could reduce the cost a little.

If it is OK, how would you raise this?

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 10:41

Don't ask, just tell them.

Do not get yourself in debt for Christmas.

RandomMess · 18/12/2017 10:41

It's a bit late for this year!!!

You don't give to receive, just spend what you can afford. In your family you perhaps need to all cut down on who you buy for - cousins really???

Greycat11 · 18/12/2017 10:43

Would they not have already done their shopping for this year though?
Are you sure that there is a real expectation, or could you be putting pressure on yourself that they expect you to spend the same amount back?
If you spend less then surely they will not comment on that?
I know sometimes I might receive less than I give with present giving but it tends to balance out over the years

Tinselistacky · 18/12/2017 10:43

Gifts are just that, gifts, not ordered. Give only what you can afford.. My adult dc do a £20 limit among themselves.Mr and dh do each other a stocking and dc £100 each +stocking.

divadee · 18/12/2017 10:44

I have a similar situation. And it gets harder to buy for in laws family as they buy everything they want anyway. I am suggesting a secret Santa next year and combining the two families and we each only buy for one person with a limit of £50. This will be for the adults only and under 18s will still get presents as normal.

Situp · 18/12/2017 10:48

Can I ask how you know you are expected to reciprocate? Perhaps they spend a lot on you because they can and not because they expect it in return.

I found that a lot of my obligations were actually in my head.

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything and just spend less this year. If they bring it up, which in my view would be very tasteless, you can explain that this has been a tough year financially.

PonderLand · 18/12/2017 11:46

I only see my parents and brother from my family so I spend about £20 each. My partner has 2 aunties, 4 cousins, 1 nephew, brother and sil, and two sets of grandparents. We told my partners side we're just getting nephew and his parents presents this year, but we told them at the end of October! I think you've left it far too late so you should get them something small like chocolates/alcohol/board games and tell them now that you aren't spending much.

Original poster

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 11:51

Sorry, I should have been clearer - I wasn't thinking about this year! Gifts are already bought on all sides. I was pondering next year, and wondering whether this Christmas is the right time to raise the issue of next year's spend (or whether to leave it for January/February?)

The expectation is definitely that it is reciprocated. I think we would need to have an explicit conversation about limiting the spend.

OP posts:

TidyBadger · 18/12/2017 11:56

Agree it's too late for this year.

My policy is that we give what we can afford each year. We have a large family too. Some years it's boots gift sets, other years it's a nice jumper.
I don't set a value on presents. Every person just gets something I think they will like. So for some people it might be worth £20, others £40 and that changes each year.

Whatever is received we just accept gratefully and never pass comment on the perceived value of gifts. One year I spent £30 on a niece and was told off by mil for overspending. I then and there vowed that I would never take any notice of others opinions on gifts I have chosen and just focus on getting them some thing that they will like and spending what I can afford.

I would also never ask other people to adhere to spending limits/rules. My take on it is you do you.

PonderLand · 18/12/2017 11:59

Ah I see, well I probably wouldn't mention it at this Christmas but I'd let them know in advance for next year.

Original poster

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 11:59

Tidy - That's an interesting perspective.

I am worried that if we spend £50 and they spend £200 there will be distinct disappointment. It's a bit different to spending £20 or £40. I think there genuinely would be chagrin and upset, too.

OP posts:

TidyBadger · 18/12/2017 12:11

But you can't control their spending, you can only control your own.

I'd probably advise them next autumn what your plans are. It's then up to them what they do. Leave the ball in their court and don't make yourself the bad guy.

A few of our family buy lavish gifts for everybody. I'm happy that they can afford it and gratefully receive them. I just cannot justify their budget so don't reciprocate at the same value.

One day the tables might turn and we'll be loaded and able to spoil everyone and they might have fallen on hard times (this has happened in the family).

RandomMess · 18/12/2017 12:25

Your DH needs to warn his parents that you have to cut back on gift spending from now on.
No mention of £££ etc just that you will be spending less.
I agree I go for what I think will be liked/enjoyed - some years far more than others!

Motoko · 18/12/2017 13:06

Sod their expectations! Just spend what you can afford, and if they moan, ignore it.

My in-laws usually give us a small gift to open as well as £200-£300 between them, but they know we're the poor side of the family, so they tell us not to get them anything, although we usually get them something small like a nice tin of biscuits or a potted plant.

Your in-laws should be grateful for any gift you give them, as long as it's been bought with thoughtfulness.

Original poster

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 15:36

Random - yes, that's it I think - I feel like we need to tell them what we are doing, not simply appear with far fewer presents than normal as a horrible surprise. I don't want them to think that there's any less care, and nor do I want to dictate to them what they should do. We are more than usually up against it financially this year - building work - and it's reached the point where DH and I actually can't afford to buy a single thing for each other because there's no spare cash for that.

OP posts:

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