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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter’s group of friends has dwindled

10 replies

Sunnyjac · 17/12/2017 21:59

More a WWYD. First time posting for myself and hoping for advice. My DD has just turned 8, in yr3. She has a best friend she’s known since I became friends with the mum while on mat leave. They started school together and during reception year the children naturally formed friendship groups although there was some fluidity with these. My DD and her best friend were in a group with a few others. By yr2 the groups appeared more set but all the children would still interact and move between groups. It’s a small school, only one class per year group.

At Christmas last year my DD’s best friend moved away. They are still in touch but can’t see each other often. Over the course of this last 12 months other friends in her group have moved too and the last one leaves at the end of this term. She’s left feeling on the fringes of the other groups and with a few friends she sort of gets on with but not all the time. I’ve asked if she joins in with other children and she says yes but that they don’t play games that she wants to join in with.

She does quite a few extra activities after school and we can’t fit more in. She doesn’t have close friends at these, just friends she gets on with at the time, if that makes sense.

I have spoken to her teacher about how to help her. Initially the teacher just commented about how DD is always playing with children when teacher looks. I explained that she does play and get on with the others but has lost her special group that she was part of it and particularly her best friend. Teacher said she’d keep an eye on it but nothing has improved. I don’t really know what she can do anyway.

So I guess what I’m hoping for is your wisdom. Suggestions and advice on how to help my DD cope with the loss of her group and how to feel part of another. She’s quite sensitive, shy and not very confident, worries a lot about getting things wrong or being told off so she’s not big on putting herself forward or going out of her comfort zone.

Many thanks to anyone who reads this and responds. I’m worried about her, I want her to have friends who are her own and not to feel sad and left out.

OP posts:
Lackingimagination6 · 17/12/2017 22:05

This happened to my son - he had a really tight group of three of them, pals since reception, and the other two left within a few months in year 4.

It was really tough for him. He was a popular boy, was never on his own, but losing that close gang was really hard. By the end of primary school he definitely had two or three "best" pals again but it took quite a while I think for him to be as secure as he has been before.

No advice really except to say that if she is an easy going, friendly girl, she'll be ok in the end. But don't underestimate the impact in the short term. And do try to stay in touch with the friend who moved away.

dontbesillyhenry · 17/12/2017 22:07

I think you should strongly encourage her to socialise with a wide group of people as best friends can be very isolating as she has discovered. Is there a play leader on the playground or a buddy bench system?

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 17/12/2017 22:08

It's a difficult one and I'm not sure how much the teacher can do.
If she were being bullied it would obviously be a different matter but it's hard to force children to play with each other.
Perhaps it's something that will resolve itself in time? I feel for your daughter though Sad

Sunnyjac · 17/12/2017 22:11

Lacking thank you, it’s good to know it can change. It’s horrible seeing your children sad. Glad it’s come together for your son x

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 17/12/2017 22:13

Thanks for the posts, I’ll check out the buddy bench thing and will work on widening her social circle

OP posts:
littlepeas · 17/12/2017 22:15

This is happening to my dd too - same age and school year. She was in a group of 3 - one girl left at the end of last term (moved abroad) and the other is likely to be moving schools at the end of this academic year. I am encouraging her to play with other children in her year, and they are all friendly with each other, but she is particularly close to this one girl (they have really clung to one another since their other friend left). I am going to start inviting other girls for play dates and so on. No real advice, but I'm in much the same boat!

MyOtherProfile · 17/12/2017 22:16

I would ask her for 3 children she would be interested in a play date with and then contact their parts and invite them over one at a time. I'm a big fan of play dates to help build friendships, as well as to work out who they actually get along with.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/12/2017 22:19

I think this happens a lot now, because people are more mobile. It's horrible for the child left behind, but if your daughter has not had trouble making friends in the past she will slot into a new group soon enough.

In the meantime plenty of reassurance from you and keeping busy so she isn't at a loose end will help.

Sunnyjac · 17/12/2017 22:19

Thank you both. Play dates seem to be the way forward so will start in January x

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 17/12/2017 22:52

definitely inviting kids round to play is a huge help.

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